On Journaling

by Ester R.A. Leutenberg

Ester R.A. Leutenberg

Journaling is a time-honored way to help people sort out their thoughts and feelings. Many different techniques can be used to begin a journaling practice. One way is to set aside some time each day−maybe 15 to 30 minutes in the morning−to simply write whatever comes to mind. Another way is to pick up a journal and write when the person has a “thinking loop” that seems stuck. In the act of writing, often the thought or situation will lose its intensity. Others find that journaling is a substitute for talking. Some people use their journals as a way of writing letters to their loves ones.

Journaling has been such a valuable tool for me in my process of grieving over our son Mitchell’s death by suicide. I journal for my own pleasure, release, to sort out feelings. If every time I had another insight or thought about Mitch’s life, mental illness, or death – and would mention it to loved ones or friends – they would all be weary of hearing about it. Instead, I journal often and still talk about Mitch at times with family and friends. It seems to be a good compromise, and keeps me grounded.

Each year I take my journaling to another level – on the day of Mitch’s death and send an email out to everyone I know – this was my 2011 letter.

Dear family and friends,

Twenty five years ago today, November 22, 1986, at 30 years of age, our son died by suicide. We commemorate this day – we celebrate Mitchell’s life. Mitch was an exceptional son, grandson, brother and uncle.

For eight years we kept the promise Mitchell asked of us, from the time of his first suicide attempt, not to tell anyone he had a mental illness. He felt it was a ‘shonda’ – a shame, an embarrassment, people wouldn’t value him for who he was, only the see the mental illness. The moment Mitch died, we told anyone and everyone. We were not ashamed or embarrassed. He had a disease, a mental illness. Although Mitchell did not discuss it, we hope other people will as the stigma of mental illness slowly lifts.

To quote Glenn Close about her family members…

“The stigma is toxic. And, like millions of others who live with mental illness in their families, I’ve seen what they endure: the struggle of just getting through the day, and the hurt caused every time someone casually describes someone as “crazy,” “nuts,” or “psycho.”

Even as the medicine and therapy for mental health disorders have made remarkable progress, the ancient social stigma of psychological illness remains largely intact. Families are often unwilling to talk about it and, in movies and the media, stereotypes about the mentally ill still reign.

The World Health Organization (WHO) estimates that by the year 2020 mental illness will be the second leading cause of death and disability. Every society will have to confront the issue. The question is, will we face it with open honesty or silence?”

I remember when my mother would whisper the word cancer. We’ve come a long way. Talking and dealing with mental illness should be no different from having cancer, diabetes or any other disease.

“We have to get the word out that mental illness can be diagnosed and treated, and almost everyone suffering from mental illness can live more normal lives.”

~ Rosalynn Carter

Twenty-five years is such a long time! We miss the hugs, conversations, laughter and even the tears. We miss the family time with him – he SO loved his family (especially his two nieces!) Mitchell would have loved the 7 more nieces and nephews that were born after his death. He would have loved Tucson and would be so happy for us. At one point, a few years before he died, he visited Vermont and came home with plans to build homes for our entire family to vacation together.

We do know that Mitch looks after us. We feel his spirit and it warms us.

We think about him every day – with love – and with admiration for trying so hard to stay alive.

Many people find that they are surprised at how their thinking has evolved when they re-read their journals. For most people the changes that they are experiencing are subtle. Often people grieving do not realize the hard work that they have done, nor do they recognize the changes they have made.

Re-reading a journal can provide an opportunity for self-appreciation.

The GriefWork Companion was developed to help adults who are grieving heal from their losses. The GriefWork Companion contains worksheets, quotations, educational and journaling pages. It is a user-friendly book and self-help resource. We live in a society where people are expected to get over their loss quickly and we understand this is not realistic. We know there are many ways that people grieve and we support each person’s right to grieve in an individual and unique fashion.

My First “Comfort Bike”

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Just for Laffs: Built for Comfort, Not for Speed

I guess it’s a sure sign of getting older, but I just bought a “comfort bike.” It has a wide padded seat, handlebars that let me ride almost upright, and a chocolate dispenser on the handlebars. Okay, maybe not, but a girl can dream, can’t she? When I ride, with the wind blowing through my helmet, I feel as though I’m seven again, pedaling around the neighborhood on the old blue Huffy bike I got for my birthday and rode until my last day of college despite the Huckleberry Hound stickers I had pasted on the fenders when I was ten.

“I’ve had my share of “discomfort bikes.” I bought a ten-speed bike when I got my first job because it looked aerodynamic and fast. Until I got on, that is.”

I’ve had my share of “discomfort bikes.” I bought a ten-speed bike when I got my first job because it looked aerodynamic and fast. Until I got on, that is. The only way for that bike to maintain its sleek look was if I folded my body into an Origami shape and perched motionlessly atop the ½-wide seat (What is with those seats anyway? Just what part of your body is supposed to stay aloft on them?). I ended up leaving the bike sitting the garage for several months, but it seemed sad. Like a mustang meant to run. To alleviate my guilt, I sold it to a guy who was also aerodynamic and fast—which he had proved on our first, and last, date.

Despite the fact that I never used more than three speeds on that ten-speed bike (primarily because shifting scared me) and the fact that I lived in one of the flattest places on earth at the time, my next purchase was an 18-speed mountain bike. Mountain bikes are built for rugged, adventurous people and I thought having the bike would force me to become one of those people. But just the opposite happened. After just two months with me, the bike became wimpy and agoraphobic. Every time I opened the garage to get my car out, it would flinch in the sunlight. Soon I was hanging wet laundry from its handlebars and it looked happier than I’d ever seen it. When I moved, I left that bike in the apartment – it seemed wrong to try to move it.

I was bike-free for a few years, but then one day I saw a guy riding a recumbent bike down the street. The bike had a back to it and you rode in the seated position. Not that I’m a total slob, but the idea of sitting down while getting my exercise did have some appeal. And the bike had small tires, so no one could expect me to ride up a mountain or down a steep trail (and having moved to where there are mountains and steep trails, I didn’t want to take any chances.) But the best part about the bike was the guy riding it looked kind of geeky. Now there was a bicycle style that didn’t intimidate me.

“But when the kindergartners on their trikes whizzed by at my eye level, I knew my self esteem wasn’t up for this low-rider of a bike.”

I was happy riding that bike as long as no one else was out riding. You see, when your wheels are only 4” tall you have to pedal much, much faster to go the same speed as someone whose wheels are say, 16” tall. It wasn’t so bad when the aerodynamic racers passed me or even the muscular outdoorsmen on their mountain bikes. But when the kindergartners on their trikes whizzed by at my eye level, I knew my self esteem wasn’t up for this low-rider of a bike.

Which brings us to my new bike, for which I have high hopes. Primarily because it doesn’t have high hopes for me. There’s no pressure to be faster or more athletic than I truly am. And I don’t have to compete with five-year olds to see who can make it to the cul-de-sac fastest. I can just sit there on my nice padded seat (the one that comes with the bike, not the one that comes with me) and pedal through the neighborhood looking relaxed and comfortable. My neighbors are jealous. I can see it in their eyes. They wish it was them with the red rubber horn and the pink and white streamers in the handlebars!

-By Leigh Anne Jasheway

What Relaxation Techniques Really Work?

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What works for you when you want to relax? Have you found a reliable relaxation tool?

Advice abounds for those who are struggling to find an effective relaxation tool – the technique that will be a magical answer to stress issues. The following are quotes from some of our authors and staff describing what relaxation tools they use when stress begins to overwhelm them. Read them, and try the ones that appeal to you. Remember, of course, that relaxation is a muscle response, just like shooting a basket or playing the piano and it takes times to master a new skill. Practice for a couple of weeks before you try another. Eventually, you will find what fits you the best. I’d love to hear about your search.

Ester Leutenberg, co-author of many of our workbooks says, “When I have unwanted thoughts or memories rumbling around in my head and cannot fall asleep at night, I take in a deep breath slowly, and the release it slowly. Never make it past 4 or 5 breaths, and I’m asleep. I start with my toes and totally relax them, then ankles, calves, knees and on up, ‘till I’m a limp rag. SO GOOD!!!”

Izzy Gesel, author of Playing Along, and a master of improv tells us, “Whenever I am feeling stressed and I am able to take a moment to pause and listen to my self-talk, I often realize that my stress is about something that happened in the past, is going to happen in the future, or is about another person or something I cannot control. What’s helpful to me in these stressful moments is to close my eyes, take a breath and ask myself, ‘What am I grateful for?’ Within about 15 seconds I feel more grounded. I’m able to focus on the present and take action on something I can control thereby reducing my stress.”

Carlene Sippola, WPA’s Publisher tells us, “In the winter, I relax sitting in front of our fireplace playing a few games on my iPad or catching up on the day with my husband. In the summer, we spend time at our camper where we kayak, hike, and sit around the fire pit at night (my favorite). Spending time with good friends is always relaxing.”

Amy Broadsky is one of our talented illustrators, and a skilled, licensed therapist herself, says she does a progressive muscle relaxation starting at my feet and working upwards. “I also do deep breathing. Specifically I breathe in through both my mouth and nose to the count of 6 or 8, and then breath out to the same count. Initially I practiced these techniques three times every day until I was able to effectively relax. I have not had a panic attack in 27 years due to these techniques. I also listen to guided imagery at times, relaxation music, sounds of waves or rain.”

Our shipping and order entry Queen Deb says, “I relax at our family cabin in my kayak, with a soothing beverage.”

Julie Lusk, Yoga master and author, had a hard time choosing her favorite relaxation technique. She often combines Yoga with meditation to achieve the ultimate relaxed state.

From Jack Kosmach, WPA’s President, “I’ve always enjoyed sitting down with a good book. When we were first married, my wife Lynne and I would sit on the couch with our books and read and read. It was a really nice time to relax. Then life seemed to interrupt and the opportunities to be ‘alone’ to read became fewer and fewer. It is still my favorite way to unwind.”

I looked forward to Leigh Anne Jasheway’s response to my “How do I relax?” question. She is the author of Don’t Get Mad Get Funny and Are You Playing with Me and is a prolific speaker on all kinds of funny topics. “I’d put improv at the top of the list. Improv is like spending 2 hours at recess with friends whose sole goal is to have a good time. We laugh so hard and completely forget about anything we were worrying about before the improv session started. Afterward, I find that not only am I less stressed by things, I’m also filled with great ideas about every project I’m working on. That, in and of itself, reduces my stress further because now I have solutions.

“And let’s not forget that all that laughter introduces endorphins and other healing chemicals into the blood stream and massages all the organs. Improv is like recess, falling in love, and a full-body massage all wrapped in one playful adventure.”

Fran Liptak who put her own devastating loss to use by co-authoring the GriefWorks series with Ester Leutenberg says she does several things. Here’s her list:

Meditate daily – I have a practice that involves some stretching and meditation each morning. I miss this when I don’t do it.
Walk outside – I have a real need for fresh air so when the weather is really too harsh for me to be outside I notice it.
Take long, warm baths as needed/desired
Frequent deliberate long, slow, deep breaths throughout the day
Listen to guided imagery scripts as needed
Exercise regularly
Spend time with friends
Gratitude practice – say aloud a minimum of three things each day for which I’m grateful, just before going to sleep

Jacquelyn Ferguson definitely has a favorite relaxation approach. Here’s what she does:

I start in a reclining (a recliner, not a bed) position with eyes closed doing a rhythmic breathing exercise for a minute or two or more, depending upon how hyper I am.

I inhale slowly to the count of 6 observing my abdomen swelling, hold to count of 4, exhale to count of 9 (to trigger the parasympathetic nervous system – the “relaxation response”) focusing on my abdomen compressing. I repeat until I find myself floating around with no real attempt to do anything. If I return to more of an “awake” feeling I repeat the breathing exercise. If distracted I allow myself to be aware only of what I sense: sounds, a breeze, an odor, etc.

I program myself to become alert in 20 minutes or 30 minutes. I do become alert each time at the virtually the exact minute programmed. This part fascinates my husband, Bob.

That’s all I do. I have others I’ve done over the years but this one is what I’ve been doing for a good decade. So, so simple.

Me: When I first came to work at Whole Person I hadn’t heard of relaxation techniques, let alone tried one. After a particularly harrowing day my boss sent me home with “Countdown to Relaxation”, and after a couple of weeks of practice it worked like a charm. Now I begin to count backwards from ten, deepening my breathing with each number, cleansing my body as I become more and more relaxed. I recommend it highly. Click here for the CD. I’ve used it for so long that all I need to hear is the opening music and I can do the rest myself. My other favorite: close my eyes when my family is all together and immerse myself in the sound of happy folks.

As I said at the start of this piece, I’d love to know what you do to relax. Click in the comment section and tell your story.

Help End the Barriers to Mental Health Treatment

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How can we end barriers to mental health treatment and reduce the stigma associated with it?

An article published on the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration website states that “In 2010, the Affordable Care Act extended health insurance coverage to individuals aged 19 to 25 whose parents had employer-sponsored private insurance. Thanks to this extended coverage, more young adults have access to mental health and substance abuse treatment services through their parents’ employer-sponsored health insurance.”

The article goes on to say that from 2004-2012, average yearly treatment costs for 19-25-year-olds who received mental and substance use treatment remained constant at approximately $1,600. However, the source of those payments changed significantly. Private insurance took on a much larger share, increasing from $520 to $822 annually, while treatment paid by Medicaid and other public sources (such as Medicare, Veterans Affairs/Civilian Health and Medicaid Program for Uniform Services) declined from $698 to $417. (February 16, 2016) Retrieved from http://blog.samhsa.gov/2016/02/18/more-young-adults-use-private-insurance-for-behavioral-health-treatment-following-the-acas-dependent-coverage-mandate/#.VsspKPkrI5c. February 22, 2016.

Although this data indicates that private insurance is covering more of the cost for those seeking treatment, there is not a corresponding statistic that shows an increase in young adults seeking mental health care. Is that because there aren’t more young adults who need mental health or substance abuse care? Are there significant barriers for those who seek mental health treatment?

Joel L. Young M.D. in Addressing Mental Health Treatment Barriers (January 29, 2014) https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/when-your-adult-child-breaks-your-heart/201401/addressing-mental-health-treatment-barriers published on Psychology Today’s blog page lists the following barriers to seeking mental health treatment for people of any age:

Refusing Treatment – I don’t want/need help.
Balancing Life and Treatment – I don’t have time.
Financial Issues – I can’t afford it.
Family Support – I’m the screw up of my family. My family doesn’t want to admit I have a mental illness.
Geographic Barriers – There isn’t any place to receive treatment that I can get to.
Finding the Right Treatment – I can’t find a therapist that I can work with.

Another barrier to seeking treatment must not be overlooked. Stigma. Refusing treatment, balancing life and treatment, a lack of family support are frequently the result of the stigma of mental illness, and the “Black Sheep” point of view are informed by that stigma. It seems incredible that in this age of enlightenment, of ready access to the internet, and of celebrity espousal of the cause, the stigma of mental illness and substance abuse is still so prevalent. Retrieved from https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/when-your-adult-child-breaks-your-heart/201401/addressing-mental-health-treatment-barriers. February 22, 2016.

Here are some suggestions of how to help from an article found on Shatter the Stigma Mend the Mind found at http://www.mendthemind.ca/stigma/seven-important-things-we-can-do-reduce-stigma-and-discrimination, on February 22, 2016.

1. Know the facts.

Educate yourself about mental health problems. Learn the facts (“Top 11 Myths about Mental Illness”) instead of the myths. Visiting our website is a great place to start!

2. Be aware of your attitudes and behaviour

We’ve all grown up with prejudices and judgmental thinking. But we can change the way we think! See people as unique human beings, not as labels or stereotypes. See the person beyond their mental illness; they have many other personal attributes that do not disappear just because they also have a mental illness.

3. Choose your words carefully

The way we speak can affect the way other people think and speak. Don’t use hurtful or derogatory language.

4. Educate others

Find opportunities to pass on facts and positive attitudes about people with mental health problems. If your friends, family, co-workers or even the media present information that is not true, challenge their myths and stereotypes. Let them know how their negative words and incorrect descriptions affect people with mental health problems by keeping alive the false ideas.

5. Focus on the positive

People with mental health and substance use problems make valuable contributions to society. Their health problems are just one part of who they are. We’ve all heard the negative stories. Let’s recognize and applaud the positive ones.

6. Support people

Treat people who have mental health problems with dignity and respect. Think about how you’d like others to act toward you if you were in the same situation. If you have family members, friends or co-workers with substance use or mental health problems, support their choices and encourage their efforts to get well.

7. Include everyone

In Canada and the US, it is against the law for employers and people who provide services to discriminate against people with mental health and substance use problems. Denying people access to things such as jobs, housing and health care, which the rest of us take for granted, violates human rights.

Speak up when you hear someone using stereotypical statements and/or making derogatory remarks about folks with mental illness. Keeping quiet is tacitly agreeing to what is being said. Sometimes it takes courage to speak up, but it is your duty to do so.

Click here to go to the National Alliance of Mental Health’s graphic describing how children and teens are affected by mental health issues.

Check out these websites. They offer great information and ideas for stamping out the stigma of mental illness.

http://bringchange2mind.org/
https://www.nami.org/stigmafree
http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/mental-illness/in-depth/mental-health/art-20046477
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/brick-brick/201405/the-stigma-mental-illness-is-making-us-sicker
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/dustin-demoss/combating-the-stigma-of-m_b_6834980.html
https://wholeperson.com/store/mental-health-stigma.shtml

Animal Assisted Therapy – How Animals Help Humans Heal

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Animal Assisted Therapy Works!

My dog at work

Those of us who own pets know they make us happy. But a growing body of scientific research is showing that our pets can also make us healthy, or healthier. Animal assisted therapy is gaining more impetus every day.

That helps explain the increasing use of animals — dogs and cats mostly, but also birds, fish and even horses — in settings ranging from hospitals and nursing homes to schools, jails and mental institutions.

What, exactly, is animal therapy? According to the Mayo Clinic, “Animal assisted therapy is a broad term that includes animal assisted therapy and other animal assisted activities.” Animal assisted therapy can significantly reduce pain, anxiety, depression and fatigue in people with a range of health problems:

Children having dental procedures
People receiving cancer treatment
People in long-term care facilities
People hospitalized with chronic heart failure
Veterans with post-traumatic stress disorder

And it’s not only the ill person who reaps the benefits. Family members and friends who sit in on animal visits say they feel better, too. Animals also can be taught to reinforce rehabilitative behaviors in patients, such as throwing a ball or walking. (From Mayo Clinic Consumer Health Retrieved 2-10-2016 from http://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/consumer-health/in-depth/pet-therapy/art-20046342?pg=2.)

Take Viola, or Vi for short. The NPR website tells us her story in an article entitled “Pet Therapy: How Animals And Humans Heal Each Other” by Julie Rovner: (Julie is now with Kaiser Health News.)

The retired guide dog is the resident canine at the Children’s Inn http://www.aubreyhfine.com/faithful-companion/ on the campus of the National Institutes of Health in Bethesda, Md. Families stay there when their children are undergoing experimental therapies at NIH.

Vi, a chunky yellow Labrador retriever with a perpetually wagging tail, greets families as they come downstairs in the morning and as they return from treatment in the afternoon. She can even be “checked out” for a walk around the bucolic NIH grounds.

Thelma Balmaceda, age, 4, [loves to] pet Viola, the resident canine at the Children’s Inn on the campus of the National Institutes of Health in Bethesda, Md. Families stay at the inn when their children are undergoing experimental therapies at NIH.

“There really isn’t a day when she (Vi) doesn’t brighten the spirits of a kid at the Inn. And an adult. And a staff member,” says Meredith Daly, the inn’s spokeswoman.

But Vi may well be doing more than just bringing smiles to the faces of stressed-out parents and children. Dogs like Vi have helped launch an entirely new field of medical research over the past three decades.

Aubrey Fine, a clinical psychologist and professor at California State Polytechnic University says that use of animals in medicine dates back to Egyptian times where dogs and serpents were often symbols of powerful healers. “One could even look at Florence Nightingale recognizing that animals provided a level of social support in the institutional care of the mentally ill,” says Fine, who has written several books on the human-animal bond, including his latest “Our Faithful Companions: Exploring the Essence of Our Kinship with Animals.”

But it was only in the late 1970s at a conference in Dundee, Scotland researchers started to uncover the scientific underpinnings for that bond. In a study published in October of 1988 authors Vormbrock and Grossberg reported “Results revealed that (a) subjects’ BP levels were lowest during dog petting, higher while talking to the dog, and highest while talking to the experimenter and (b) subjects’ heart rates were lower while talking or touching the dog and higher while both touching and talking to the dog.”

Rebecca Johnson, a nurse who heads the Research Center for Human/Animal Interaction at the University of Missouri College of Veterinary Medicine, explains that interaction with animals can increase our level of oxytocin, the renowned “feel good” hormone.

“That is very beneficial for us,” Johnson said. “Oxytocin helps us feel happy and trusting. Oxytocin has some powerful effects for us in the body’s ability to be in a state of readiness to heal, and also to grow new cells, so it predisposes us to an environment in our own bodies where we can be healthier.”

But Johnson says it may also have longer-term human health benefits. “Oxytocin has some powerful effects for us in the body’s ability to be in a state of readiness to heal, and also to grow new cells, so it predisposes us to an environment in our own bodies where we can be healthier.” From an article by Laurel Johnson to downloaded on Feb. 9, 2016 from http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2015/07/29/pets-as-therapy/.

Johnson is now working on a new project with likely benefits for dogs and humans. Military veterans returning from Iraq and Afghanistan are providing shelter dogs with basic obedience training.

And while it’s still early in the research, she says, one thing is pretty clear: “Helping the animals is helping the veterans to readjust to being at home.”

Animals act as therapists themselves or facilitate therapy — even when they’re not dogs or cats. For example, psychologist Fine, who works with troubled children, uses dogs in his practice — and also a cockatoo and even a bearded dragon named Tweedle.

“One of the things that we have always know is that the animals help a clinician go under the radar of a child’s consciousness, because the child is much more at ease and seems to be much more willing to reveal,” he says.

Horses have also become popular therapists for people with disabilities. “The beauty of the horse is that it can be therapeutic in so many different ways,” says Breeanna Bornhorst, executive director of the Northern Virginia Therapeutic Riding Program in Clifton, Va. “Some of our riders might benefit from the connection and the relationship-building with the horse and with their environment. Other riders maybe will benefit physically, from the movements, and build that core strength, and body awareness and muscle memory.”

Mental Illness Stigma – A long-fought battle

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Stigma of Mental Illness

Folks have been fighting the stigma of mental illness since before mental illness was a diagnosis. Recently, I found the following article describing the creation of the symbol for Mental Health of America of the Heartland. Incredible as it seems, as late as the 1950’s mental health patients were bound with iron restraints.

Story of the Bell

From http://mhah.org/who-we-are/story-of-the-bell/, downloaded January 28, 2016.

“Cast from shackles which bound them, this bell shall ring out hope for the mentally ill and victory over mental illness.” – Inscription on the Mental Health Bell

During World War II, future leaders of the National Mental Health Association worked in state mental hospitals. There, they witnessed the deplorable and inhumane treatment of patients with mental illnesses who were chained by their wrists and ankles to the hospital walls. This experience inspired the men to devote their time to improving the lives of all those who suffer from mental illnesses, and changing the way America thinks about persons with mental illnesses. They believed with better understanding and treatments, the cruel practice of using shackles and chains to restrain people with mental illness would eventually stop.

In 1950, the National Mental Health Association chose a bell as their symbol. Two years later, Mental Health America issued a call to asylums across the country for their discarded chains and shackles. Volunteers at the Mental Health Association’s National Headquarters in New York collected the metal restraints from hundreds of mental hospitals across the country and piled them in the building’s lobby. These restraints were then shipped to the McShane Bell Foundry in Baltimore, Maryland, where on April 13, 1956 they were dropped into a crucible and cast into a 300-pound bell. Nothing could proclaim hope for those who have mental illness more dramatically than a bell cast from the actual chains and shackles used as restraints for persons with mental illnesses.

To many, a bell symbolizes freedom and liberty for the 40 million Americans affected by mental illnesses. The bell serves as a powerful reminder that the invisible chains of misunderstanding and discrimination continue to bind people with mental illnesses.

Over the years, national mental health leaders and other prominent individuals have rung the Bell to mark the continued progress in the fight for victory over mental illnesses.

Today the Mental Health Bell stands as a national symbol for the mental health movement.

Bring Change 2 Mind is a great place to learn about stigma.

Sacramento, CA sponsors another good site.

Psychology Today also addresses the stigma of mental health.

Tell us what are your favorite sites to fight the stigma of mental illness.

Family Breakup and Survival

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Family Breakup and Survival

This article is taken from Family Breakup and Survival Workbook by
Ester Leutenberg and John Liptak, EdD.

In this article, the title care-giver and adults will be used for family members or paid helpers who give direct CARE and are responsible in any way for one or more children and/or teens.

Through out the article, the term breakup will be used to include any breakup, separation, annulment, and/or divorce.

What is a Care-Giver Breakup?

A care-giver breakup is one of the most stressful events that a family could encounter. Separation, and ultimately a breakup, can be very difficult on care-givers, children, and other caring family members.

It is important to distinguish among the various types of circumstances that are included as breakups in this discussion. Here are a few:

• A couple dating who choose to stop seeing each other.
• A legal separation, which often comes before a divorce.
• Annulment, when a marriage is declared null and void.
• Divorce, the dissolution of marriage and the changing of legal responsibilities.
• Separation in which a couple stops cohabitating.

Breaking up can mean many different things to different people. For the purposes of this discussion, we are using the term breakup to include people living in the above situations. Breakups are extremely complicated processes that usually involve phases of a breakup between the two people and their families, and then possible various stages of a grieving process, for all concerned.

Although some breakups end with reconciliation, the stages of grief, the trauma, the issues of child-care, the communications, the visitations, the relationships, the feelings, and the changes still disrupt the family unit in a heart-breaking way. Things that are said, family members remember. Children suffer. How they react depends on their age, personality and the circumstances of the separation process. Families change. The contents of this discussion will help, whether there is reconciliation or not.

The next two sections will provide information related to these two important aspects of any breakup.

The Phases of a Breakup

It is never easy to break up with someone, but the breakup of a relationship can thrust your world into chaos and trigger all types of painful and negative feelings. The process of a relationship breakup follows some fairly distinct and predictable phases.

This model is not meant to be a definitive way that people in a relationship progress toward a breakup. All breakups will be unique and specific to the people involved. Therefore, the model that follows is designed to provide you with a sense of the behaviors, thoughts, and feelings that accompany each of the phases of a breakup.

Phase 1
In this phase, the idea of a breakup often surfaces. The relationship experiences stress and it feels like it is in trouble by the initiator, or by both people. The notion of a breakup is often not directly verbalized, but may be verbalized also.

Phase 2
In this phase, ideas about a breakup are often verbalized. Typically, there is an initiator and a non-initiator. The initiator often has gone through a gamut of feelings and is now focusing on the cognitive aspects of telling the partner. The non-initiator usually feels rejected, anger, confusion, self-doubt and depression.

Phase 3
In this phase, the couple involved in the breakup usually begin to shut down and distance themselves physically from each other. They may stop talking to each other and doing things for each other. The couple involved at this point often look at what happened and who is at fault.

Phase 4
In this phase, the legal process often begins. This tends to be a more cognitive stage than the previous one, and most difficult when children are involved. The couple in the relationship feel the reality that is setting in and they begin to explore how their roles, and their families’ lives will be different.

The phases of a breakup can be devastating to everyone involved in the relationship. It is important to remember how stressful each of these phases are for both the initiator and the non-initiator as they consider how it affects themselves, each other, children, and other family members.

Stages in Grieving a Breakup

Regardless of their makeup and family dynamics, all members of a family proceed through specific stages in the process of grieving a breakup.

Although the descriptors for these stages may differ from what others use, they are simply a guide for better understanding the general issues that family members may experience while going through a breakup. They are not absolute or chronological.

Stage 1 (denial)
In this stage, family members pretend that the breakup is not a big deal and that they can easily move on with their lives. They often talk about their situation and their emotions until the initial shock wears off. Most people in this stage may feel numb about the situation and try to move past it quickly.

Stage 2 (anger)
In this stage, after the initial pain begins to wear off, family members begin to become angry about their situation or others involved in the breakup. They get angry and see themselves as victims of an injustice. In this stage, the anger can range from mild feelings of aggravation to feelings of rage. In this stage family members may often search for ways to vent their anger.

Stage 3 (Bargaining)
In this stage, family members try different tactics to get back what they had. They begin to believe that reconciliation, no matter how bad the situation was, is better than living the way they did in the past, or living the way they are currently. They often seek a “quick fix” for the situation so that they can get back to the way life was before, even if it was not ideal. In this stage, many members of the family may feel guilty about what happened.

Stage 4 (Sadness)
In this stage, family members begin to experience signs of sadness, possibly leading to depression. They may have difficulty sleeping, lose interest in eating, feel exhausted, and are often irritated. In this stage, family members feel pensive and wish the relationship had turned out differently.

Stage 5 (Moving On)
In this stage, family members begin to accept the fact that a breakup might be the best for all people in the relationship, and they are ready to move on. They are interested in releasing the past, living in the moment, and making strides toward a fulfilling future. They realize that it is time to move on and focus on the positivity in their lives.

Stage 6 (release & establishment)
In this stage, family members are ready to release any bitterness and even accept the reality of the situation. They are ready to begin establishing new relationships that will be part of a positive future.

Look for the next blog for the next this series: Stress & Fear Related to a Breakup.

Active Listening

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Are you an active listener?

Taken from The Communication Skills Workbook by
Ester Leutenberg and John Liptak, EdD

“Do you hear what I hear?” These words from a Christmas carol reminded me of the need to practice active listening. Especially when we are stressed or overtired we find ourselves in conversations and realize that we have not really heard what is being said. Either we are thinking about what we want to say next or we are somewhere else in our mind. Some folks even agree to participating in an activity that they never would have considered had they really been actively listening. (That’s when I learned to be an active listener.)

Active listening is a critical component of any conversation with another person. How hard can it be? After all, we’ve had plenty of practice listening…from the time we are born until we close our eyes for the last time, someone is talking at us. And “talking at us” rather than conversing with us is the case far too often.

What are the barriers to active listening?

Daydreaming – allowing your attention to wander to other events or people. It is when you stop listening and drift away into your own fantasies.
Rehearsing – when you are busy thinking about what you are going to say next, so that you never completely hear what the other person is telling you.
Filtering – when you listen to certain parts of the conversation, but not to all of it.
Judging – when you have stopped listening to the other person because you have already judged, placed labels, made assumptions about, or stereotyped the other person.
Distractions – when your attention is divided by something internal to you (headaches, worry, hunger) or external to you (traffic, whispering, others talking).

What can be done to master active listening?

Paraphrasing – you restate, in your own words, what you think the other person just said. You can use such phrases as “in other words…” or “What I am hearing you say is…”
Reflection of feelings – you restate what the person has said to you much as you did in paraphrasing. However, you restate what you think the speaker is feeling.
Clarification – you tell the other person what you thought you heard, learn whether you were right or wrong, and then ask questions to clarify.
Body Language – you show through your body language that the message you are hearing is one of interest and that you are paying attention to the speaker. You encourage the speaker to tell you more.

Okay then, all of us should easily become active listeners, right? Unfortunately it isn’t that easy to change the habits of a lifetime. Many of us bought into the idea that if you were consistent you could form a new habit in 22 days. That has been proven to be a myth. It actually takes at least 66 days to acquire a new habit. Read this article by James Clear of the Huffington Post to get the details. Choose the barrier to active listening you feel plagues you the most and spend the next two months being consciously aware of your mind slipping away from the conversation to something else. Look the person in the eye so they know you are truly there.

You will find at the end of a couple of months of paying close attention to what is being said active listening will become habit and your conversations both at home and work will be more effective and on point.

This material is adapted from The Communication Skills Workbook by Leutenberg and Liptak.

Click here for the lyrics to “Do You Hear What I Hear”.

Holiday Journaling

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Journaling About Your Holidays

Who has time, one might remark, to journal during the mad rush of Holiday week? Who has energy left after Hanukkah preparations to sit down and write anything at all, let alone something meaningful. The entire family just left following Kwanzaa celebrations and you are exhausted. And now you are supposed to write about it? Get real people.

John Liptak, EdD, and Ester Leutenberg have written extensively about the benefits of journaling in many of their mental health resources. In the Communications Skills Workbook they say:

Journaling is an extremely powerful tool for enhancing self-discovery, learning, transcending traditional problems, breaking ineﬀective life and career habits, and helping to heal from psychological traumas of the past. From a physical point of view, writing reduces stress and lowers muscle tension, blood pressure and heart rate levels. Psychologically, writing reduces sadness, depression and general anxiety, and leads to a greater level of life satisfaction and optimism. Behaviorally, writing leads to enhanced social skills, emotional intelligence and creativity.

No where in the quote above does it suggest that we must write perfectly…express ourselves just right. Sometimes the problem with writing in our journal isn’t so much the actual writing once we settle down with pen and paper, it is the idea that we have to be a cross between Shakespeare, Emerson, and Dickens.

What we feel like is Pooh, that bear of very little brain, said, “For I am a bear of very little brain, and long words bother me.” (Thank you A.A. Milne.) No one cares if your longest word is five letters! Perhaps we feel, as Pooh did that, “When you are a Bear of Very Little Brain, and you Think of Things, you find sometimes that a Thing which seemed very Thingish inside you is quite different when it gets out into the open and has other people looking at it.” We are embarrassed to write our thoughts, feeling that they will express our shallowness or silliness or weakness or whatever. What we forget is that our journal is for one person only…the writer. In fact, I have a note pinned to mine that asks my survivors to burn my journal without reading it. I have made my kids swear that they will do so. I don’t want to censor what I write. If I am unhappy with one of my children I want to be able to write it without fear of hurting their feelings later.

So write, fellow bloggers, write without fear. Write to clear your mind, to see your position about something more clearly, to unburden yourself, to express your love, to create a plan, to simply enjoy the flow of words from your pen (or fingers if you journal on your computer.) You never know when something of great depth or value will pour forth.

I have a friend who teaches high school history to home schooled kids. Their assignment was to write a journal entry which, contrary to our personal journaling, would be reviewed by their instructor. This student chose to write a psalm. I think you’ll enjoy it, courtesy of Brianna Ankrum and reproduced here with her permission.

Psalm of Praise

Even when I wander, looking for love somewhere else, leaving you to sit all alone on a street corner with nothing but the light post to keep You company, you still love me. Even when I mock you, saying mean things behind your back, false things that I know aren’t true, but I lie just to look good, you still love me. Even when I mess up, failing and failing and never succeeding you reach out your hand to come and save me from my self. Even when life gets hard and all I want is to lie my head down and drown in the waters that life drags me towards, You set up anchor and gently steady my boat. Even when I feel so unworthy of your love and the joy it brings me, You still deliver and every time. You never seem to fail me.

Oh why do I do these things when I know you’ll never leave? When I know your love is never failing? When I know that I can’t live on my own and I need You to be truly free? That you’ll come to me in a storm and protect me from all the hurts and damages from life? Is it because I realize how powerful you are and it scares me?

All these questions that fly through my mind, making me go dizzy over how amazing you are. It scares me, but yet calms me. How can a God so big and huge love little old me? That’s something that I know only you can answer. I know you created me for a purpose and when I fail you’ll always be there to catch me and hold me with arms open so wide. I stand in awe and amazement of You.

Not all of us are eloquent when we write. It doesn’t matter. Write for yourself, for the release journaling can give, for the perspective it can bring.

May your holidays be filled with Joy and Love.

A Yoga Poem

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‘Twas the Night Before Christmas A Cool Yoga Poem

DECEMBER 9, 2015 BY JULIE LUSK and December 15, 2015 by PEG JOHNSON

Adapted by Julie Lusk in 2013 from ‘Twas the Night before Christmas by Clement Clarke Moore (1779-1863) and from Alex Newport-Berra’s rendition titled Bikram’s Torture Chamber in 2009.

‘Twas the time before Christmas, and in yogi’s place,
Not a muscle was moving, ‘twas all filled with grace.
The mats were lined up on the floor straight, with care
In hopes sweet relaxation would quickly be there.

The students relaxed, all snug on their mats,
While life sped by outside, like some silly cats.
Bodies were moving, they’re this way and that.
Finding just the right pose, not too curvy nor flat.

“Now Tadasana! Now, Chandrasana! Virabhdrasana! and Bridge!
On, Cobra! On, Bow! On Locust and Fish!
To the top of your head! And the bot’m of your heart!
Now breathe away! Breathe away! And please, please don’t fart!”

When up in my brain there arose such a clatter,
I fell out of posture, to worsen the matter.
When what to my wandering mind should appear,
But a big plate of chocolate and a six-pack of cheer!

With a mental mirage so clever and quick,
I knew in a moment, ‘twas a monkey mind trick!
More calmly and deeper my breathing I made,
To ensure that distractions so quickly would fade.

Breathing mindfully now, making ocean sound noise,
I found balance and focus to bring my life poise.
As I turnéd my head, I lost sight of myself.
Caught a brief glimpse behind me, of Santa’s small elves!

She was dressed in an outfit, all green and all red,
A tall pointy cap to cover her head.
Her back-bending looked strained, ‘twas most likely due,
To her crafting and building, ’till her knuckles were blue.

At last they were all stretched out and about,
Their stout little bodies about to break out,
From the crown of her head to her cute little feet,
Her positions were perfect, oh my, she was neat.

Their energy cleared, their circulation was merry,
Their cheeks were like roses, her nose like a cherry.
During downward dog pose, blood rushed to my head,
My brain filled with oxygen, turning me red.

It was then that I realized, that much like the elf,
I created a gift, yes of peace, for my Self.
Yoga postures and breathing, no cell left untouched,
Now the body at peace, and the mind just as much.

Each posture creating a wonderful feeling.
T’was real, yes, I knew that I couldn’t be dreaming.
Each part of my body I learned now to treasure,
A true gift of love, and far beyond measure.

In final shavasana I heard not a word.
I felt I was soaring, on golden winged bird.
My body at peace, and so too, my mind,
Releasing my Self from the stressors that bind.

Never too poor, and never too sick,
Never too healthy, or fat, like St. Nick.
All life is yoga, it’s certainly true,
Health and vitality is right here for you.

And when as you leave, flown to a great height,
Here’s one phrase I hope that you get just right.
It expresses the feelings of yoga’s great light:
“Peace and Joy to you all and to all a Good Night!”

Adapted by Julie Lusk from Twas the Night before Christmas by Clement Clarke Moore (1779-1863) and from Alex Newport-Berra’s rendition titled Bikram’s Torture Chamber in 2009.

Can You Play?

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Play – Just for Kids?
By Leigh Anne Jasheway
From Are You Playing with Me?

What three little words have the power to make you smile and ﬁll you with the hope that maybe today won’t be so bad after all? Words you probably said and heard hundreds of times when you were a child but somehow forgot as you got all grown-up and professional? Words that almost always brought a smile to your face then and could do the same thing today if you let them.

Ready? Those three little words are: “Can you play?”

Remember when you were young and a kid would show up at your door and ask “Can you play?” It was exciting and fun. It meant you had a friend, and you could ﬁnally get out of the house, away from the stuffy grown-ups! If you’ve forgotten just how magical those three words can be, stand outside an elementary school during recess and listen to the giggles, the songs, and the shouts of glee coming from the playground. When was the last time you felt the urge to make joyful noises so loud they could be heard down the block? And as a presenter or trainer, when was the last time you were able to help any group of people feel that way? A few weeks ago? A year? Never?

Play isn’t kids’ stuff. It’s a vital way of bonding with other people, of communicating messages that get remembered, and of leaving a good lasting impression. Unfortunately, in our rush to grow up and get serious, we forget how a playful attitude can make almost anything easier. People who speak and teach for a living forget this lesson too. That’s why so many of them stand behind a podium and lecture with PowerPoint – or as I call it “I’m not interesting, look at this slide!” But unless the point of your lecture is to bore your audience to tears or drive them to spend their time secretly text messaging the ofﬁce on their Blackberries or cell phones, there are better ways to get a message across.

Maybe I’m biased. The ﬁrst time I gave a “speech” was in tenth grade Speech Class at Abilene High School. Rather than stand at the lectern the teacher had set up, I hopped on the table and sat in the lotus position. (This was back in the days when I could actually still get out of the lotus position without having to call the paramedics to use the Jaws of Life to pry my legs loose.) The rest of the class learned more about my topic and probably remembered it longer than had I just read some statistics off note cards like everyone else did that day. And there may still be people talking about my audacity lo these many years later.

During the past ﬁfteen years of my life as a speaker, trainer, and humorist, I’ve had the chance to develop a deep sense of appreciation for the power of fun and play among audiences of all sizes, shapes,and levels of seriousness. I’ve played with doctors, nurses, teachers, bus drivers, librarians, engineers, forest managers, loggers, bankers, scientists (yes, even rocket scientists!), cat rescuers, dentists, nursing home residents, interior decorators, insurance agents, dance moms, newspaper reporters, screenwriters, pastors, HR directors, medical assistants, and postal workers (none of whom went postal on me). I’ve played with people who warned me in advance that they weren’t very playful. People who thought they were too stressed out to relax. Even people who were very, very afraid of letting their inner child out for fear the inner adult would run away and join the circus. A playful approach has always worked. Sometimes it works better than other times, but it always works better than just talking to them ad nauseum until their ears bleed.

Now you may be thinking, “That ﬁne if you’re talking about something that’s fun, but I’ve got to teach my audience about global warming/organizational restructuring in the credit union industry/programmable customization models for the disgruntled end users who insist on speaking English. I can’t make that fun, can I?”

The quick answer is yes. When I ﬁrst started using games and play to help educate and enlighten, I was teaching stress management, nutrition, ﬁtness, smoking cessation, and AIDS prevention. I’d been teaching these subjects and having experts come in to to speak about them for years before I decided I needed to lighten up the messages. I mean, how many times can you hear “Exercise three times a week for thirty minutes” before you want to throw barbells at someone (if you’re strong enough to, that is)?

Believe me, the people who were still smoking after years and years of being lectured to, really didn’t want to even be in the same room with me. I remember that right after deciding to integrate humor into my health education approach – creating game shows, using the old Saturday Night Live “Whiners” sketches, using improv games, etc. – I took my show on the road to – a prison! I know, I get all the good gigs.

My job was to teach a group of prisoners why and how to stop smoking. It was a small room and I was the only woman in it. If not for a playful attitude and fun approach to the topic, both of which distracted the guys from their nicotine ﬁts, I’d probably still be there or at least have a nice prison tattoo.

My experience has shown me that even serious topics can use a little fun around the edges – to break the tension, to help the audience feel more comfortable asking questions, even to help you get out alive. Even if you don’t think the topic lends itself to being playful, you can wedge the important, serious stuff in the middle of more light-hearted games. Think of it as the Oreo™ cookie approach to presentations. No matter what topic I’m presenting, I always adhere to Bob Basso’s philosophy that “If it’s not fun, you’re not doing it right.” I think audiences know that intuitively, even if they can’t put it into words. No matter what you have to say, if the people listening have fun, enjoy each other and you, and are in a playful spirit while there, your message will be better received. Not to mention that if your audience doesn’t fall into a coma, they will learn more and remember more of what you had to say.

Leigh Anne Jasheway – Click photo to learn more.

Mouth Yoga

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Mouth Yoga
By Julie Lusk

According to the yoga tradition, 80% of your problems can be solved with mouth yoga. That is, what you eat and drink and put in your mouth, what you say, and who you kiss makes a big difference. Wise yogis ask us to consider 3 things before saying something:

Is it true?
Is it necessary?
Is it kind?

Thich Nhat Hahn, a Vietnamese Buddhist monk who was nominated for a Nobel Peace Prize by the Rev. Martin Luther King recommends smiling, even if you don’t feel like it. He says you will feel more positive and at peace. In his book, Be Free Where You Are, he suggests we use this simple exercise: “Breathing in, I smile. Breathing out, I release.” If you’re wondering why you should smile when there isn’t joy inside, he answers, “Smiling is a practice. There are over three hundred muscles in your face. When you are angry or fearful, these muscles tense up. The tension in these muscles creates a feeling of hardness. If you know how to breathe in and produce a smile, however, the tension will disappear – it is what I call ‘mouth yoga.’ Make smiling an exercise. Just breathe in and smile – the tension will disappear and you will feel much better.”

If you have a difficult phone call to make, smile as you make the call. Keep smiling as you talk, and you’ll find that your ideas come across much better and you will create less confrontation. Belleruth Naparstek calls smiling “affirmations for your face” and promises you’ll start getting smiles back from others. Julie calls it smile-asana. Go ahead… and smile now!

Do you have jaw tension? Do you grip your teeth tightly? Try opening your mouth and moving your jaw up and down and sideways to relieve tension. Another method is to rub your scalp around the half-moon circling over the top of your ears. While you’re at it, rub your outer ears with your fingertips and thumbs for a nice energizer. Lowering your caffeine levels may relieve jaw tension too. Come on now, let go … and smile! Practice your mouth yoga.

The yoga police say, “You have the right to remain silent.”

What you see and hear matters too.There is a phenomenon called the Illusion of Truth Effect. Basically, it says that repetition increases our mental validation of anything we’re exposed to whether or not the information is true. Hearing or seeing something consistently is viewed as more valid than messages we’re exposed to only occasionally. A weak message repeated twice becomes more valid than a strong message heard only once, according to research from the University of California at Santa Barbara. Therefore, be careful of the messages you’re being exposed to since repetition matters. Think again about all those political messages and evaluate their accuracy with facts.

Dr. Habib Sadeghi offers these recommendations:

MAKING WORDS WORK. To consciously harness the power of words for your benefit, start with the ones you’re using.
NO NAME-CALLING OR SELF-CRITICISM. Everyone is doing the best they can at any moment in time with the consciousness they have to work with, including you. Be kind and offer yourself the same empathy and compassion you’d extend to anyone else.
STOP ALL SELF-DEPRECATION. Never make your body, or something you’ve accomplished, or anything else in your life the butt of a joke. Words have power, and quantum energy doesn’t have a sense of humor.
RESIST GOSSIPING AND SPEAKING ILL OF OTHERS. It’s impossible for your words to resonate in anyone else’s body but your own.
GO ON A NEGATIVITY DIET. Instead of saying that a meal was terrible say, “I’ve had better.” You’ve basically said what you wanted to say without putting negative energy through your body—you even used a positive word to do it!
BOOST THE POSITIVE ENERGY OF WORDS. Instead of saying something like you had a good time at a concert, ramp up the positive energy by saying great, terrific, or fantastic. These feel much better and generate a bigger energetic response in the body.
IF YOU HAVE SOME NEGATIVE NANCYS IN YOUR CIRCLE OF FRIENDS, limit the time you spend with them or find better friends. Negative energy has a way of dragging everything surrounding it in, like a big black hole. Avoid it when you can.
SURROUND YOURSELF WITH POSITIVE, UPLIFTING WORDS. Put affirmations on sticky notes around your home and office that say wonderful things about you, your family, or your goals. Wear clothes that have positive messages or phrases on them. Imagine the kind of positive energy you’ll be generating for yourself when you’re wearing positivity all day long. As you keep doing these things, you use the power of repetition in a highly effective way for your benefit. You have the power to change your world, and using words consciously is one of the quickest ways to shift the energy you bring into your life.

Check out Julie Lusk’s website.

Julie Lusk

Go to our website to check out Julie’s books.

Holiday Eating

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How to Enjoy Healthy Holiday Eating

Yum. The holidays are almost here. I can smell the cookies baking, the turkey, the Christmas ham, the mince pies, apple pies, pumpkin pies, sweet potato pies, chocolate pies…yum yum!

On the other hand, I’ve just knocked off a few pounds and I don’t want to put them back on with an orgy of eating. Thanksgiving is at my daughter-in-law’s this year, and I really don’t want her to feel insulted because I didn’t eat the things she made specially because our side of the family likes them. It’s enough to ratchet my holiday stress up another notch.

So…I went hunting for some tips to keep holiday eating reasonably healthy. I found these seven from Dr. Lisa Young of the Huffington Post. She says:

“Here are some tips that I’ve successfully used with clients in my nutrition counseling practice. Even if you just incorporate a few of them into your daily routine, you are taking a step in the right direction, and by the new year, these small steps may develop into full-fledged habits.

Eat structured meals.
Pack a healthy snack.
Indulge in favorite treats sparingly and watch your portions.
Stay hydrated.
Include plenty of fruits and veggies.
Stick to your exercise routine.
Don’t fret. Tomorrow’s a new day.”

Click here to read the details.

Here are some strategies from Real Simple:

The Strategy: Bring Your Own Food. Contribute a healthy dish to a gathering to ensure there’s something you can indulge in.
The Strategy: Don’t Go Hungry to the Mall. To cut down on the lure of the food court, never go to the mall on an empty stomach.
The Strategy: Keep Track of What You Eat. Maintain a food diary to help you stay committed to your goals during this risky eating period.
The Strategy: Eat Before Going to a Party. Before going out, have a healthy snack to curb your appetite.
The Strategy: Keep Healthy Snacks at the Office. Stash healthy foods in your desk at work so you’re not as tempted by the treats piling up at the office.
The Strategy: Manage Portion Size. Take sensible portions so you don’t end up eating too much.
The Strategy: Control Your Environment. At a big sit-down supper, be the last one to start and the second one to stop eating.
The Strategy: Keep Up the Exercise. Schedule time for exercise and stick to it. It can be a little shorter, but don’t skip.
The Strategy: Choose Your Indulgences. Eat those things that are unique to the holiday and choose reasonable portions.”

Click here to read it all.

Here are some healthy substitutes my family is trying this year. We got some of them from last year’s Canadian posting for a more healthy holiday.

Green beans lightly sauteed in cooking spray and tossed with slivered almonds and lemon.
Oven roasted root veggies turn out beautifully if you remember to cut the vegetables the sizes appropriate to their fiberousness They should then cook evenly. Use just a tiny bit of vegetable oil instead of butter.
You can substitute half of the butter in a cookie or cake recipe with applesauce or mashed bananas. They say pureed prunes work, too, but I haven’t been that brave.
Mashed sweet potatoes have more fiber and beta-carotene. Try buttermilk or milk instead of butter and cream and leave the marshmallows in the bag!
Use whole grain breads for stuffing. Replace sausage with fruit, nuts, and veggies. Dried cranberries are our favorite.
Try mashed cauliflower instead of mashed white potatoes. Use turkey broth instead of some of the butter. Don’t make them too runny…that’s a dead giveaway to skeptical family members.
Sodium…use low sodium or no sodium whenever you can. Let folks add it at the table if they notice it is missing.

From WebMD, the following tips collected by Kathleen M. Zelman, MPH, RD, LD, as the Top 10 Holiday Diet Tips of All Time. Here is an excerpt.

To navigate the party landmines with your healthy diet intact, you need a strategy. Experts agree: Having a plan in place will help you handle night after night of eating and drinking.

“Think of your appetite as an expense account, and figure out how much you want to spend on drinks, appetizers, entrees, and dessert,” advises Michelle May, MD, author of Am I Hungry? What to Do When Diets Don’t Work. She suggests giving yourself permission to enjoy your favorite foods — in sensible portions.

To help you survive the seasonal parties without packing on the pounds, WebMD consulted diet gurus across the country for their best holiday diet tips. Here are their top 10 recommendations:

Trim back the trimmings.
Wear snug clothes and keep one hand busy.
Chew gum.
Be a food snob.
No skipping meals.
Check out the party. Take some time to have a sparkling water and socialize.
Add fun and games.
Alternate alcohol with nonalcoholic beverages.
Skip the appetizers.
Limit the variety.

This is an article well worth reading in its entirety. Click here to go to read it.

Certainly we can have a jolly holiday and enjoy the foods we love that bring warm fuzzies to us. We just have to remember the key is moderation.

Happy and Healthy Holiday Eating

Coping with Holiday Grief

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Coping with Grief: Holidays and Special Days are Challenging

The following information was taken from Chapter 13, “Special Days“, in GriefWork: Healing from Loss by Fran Zamore, LISW, IMFT & Ester Leutenberg.

Special days, like holidays, birthdays, anniversaries, graduations, Sundays and many, many others, offer challenges to anyone who has suffered a loss. These days are glaring reminders (as if they were needed) of the absence of a loved one. We may find that our emotionality is heightened just prior, during and just after any special day. Many people who are grieving are surprised at this phenomenon and truly feel blindsided.

Another surprise that often catches people unaware is the emotional difficulty they experience during the second year. This is often true because people think that they have managed this particular event without the loved one, so it will be easier the second time. They do not prepare for the emotional impact and are shocked. Or, they realize, with hindsight, that during the particular event in the first year they were still quite numb, and in the second year they are fully feeling their feelings.

Here Are Some Tips for Coping with Holiday Grief:

Get plenty of rest.
Any special day can be difficult.
Set reasonable expectations for yourself. Don’t try to do everything and see everyone.
Be realistic about what can and cannot be done.
Schedule brief breaks to be alone.
Try to tell those around you what you really need, since they may not know how to help you. Ask for their understanding if you withdraw from an activity that doesn’t feel like a good idea to you.
Acknowledge to yourself that the occasion may be painful at times.
Let yourself feel whatever you feel.
Express feelings in a way that is not hurtful.
Don’t be afraid to rethink traditions. Keep in mind that traditions, even long-standing ones,can be changed and can be resumed next year, or not.
Limit your time – grief is emotionally and physically exhausting.
Take time for yourself for relaxation and remembrance.
Honor the memory of a loved one – give a gift or donation in his or her name, light a candle, display pictures and/or share favorite stories with supportive people.
Discuss, ahead of time with family and/or friends, what each person can do to make this time special. Share in the responsibility, and see what can be eliminated or included to keep it less stressful.
If celebrating does not feel right, try volunteering this year.
Think about what part of this event you are not looking forward to, and discuss with other participants ahead of time, what can be done to change it.
Remember, it is okay to laugh and enjoy yourself.
Leave an event early if you want or need to.
Make a shopping list ahead of time and shop on a good day.
Propose a toast to your loved one and invite people to share memories.
Give yourself permission to cut back on holiday decorations, preparations and gift-giving.

Coping with Grief: Holidays and Special Events Worksheet

Choose ﬁve of the sentence-starters below and write in the ﬁrst thoughts that come to your mind.

Examples:

My birthday is no long as joyful since my loved one died.
My birthday reminds me of all the previous birthdays we spent together.
My birthday gives me an aging and vulnerable feeling.

My birthday ____________________________________________________________________________________ .

_________________________________________________________________________________________________ .

On ______________________, my concern is _______________________________________________________ .

_________________________________________________________________________________________________ .

Buying gifts is __________________________________________________________________________________ .

_________________________________________________________________________________________________ .

Special family events (graduations, weddings, births, etc.) are _________________________________ .

________________________________________________________________________________________________ .

___________________’s birthday is coming up soon and __________________________________________ .

________________________________________________________________________________________________ .

On holidays I am still expected to _____________________________________________________________ .

________________________________________________________________________________________________ .

Special events feel ____________________________________________________________________________ .

_______________________________________________________________________________________________ .

The anniversary will be coming soon and ____________________________________________________ .

_______________________________________________________________________________________________ .

On holidays I feel obligated to _______________________________________________________________ .

______________________________________________________________________________________________ .

The weekends _______________________________________________________________________________ .

______________________________________________________________________________________________ .

Go back to the list of coping skills at the top of the blog. See if any of those skills will help. Jot them down next to what you have already written.

For a printable version click here: Coping with Holiday Grief

Veterans and PTSD

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What is PTSD and how does it affect our Veterans?

The National Institute of Mental Health defines PTSD this way:

When in danger, it’s natural to feel afraid. This fear triggers many split-second changes in the body to prepare to defend against the danger or to avoid it. This “fight-or-flight” response is a healthy reaction meant to protect a person from harm. But in post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), this reaction is changed or damaged. People who have PTSD may feel stressed or frightened even when they’re no longer in danger.

PTSD develops after a terrifying ordeal that involved physical harm or the threat of physical harm. The person who develops PTSD may have been the one who was harmed, the harm may have happened to a loved one, or the person may have witnessed a harmful event that happened to loved ones or strangers.

http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/post-traumatic-stress-disorder-ptsd/index.shtml Retrieved 11/3/15. (Cut and paste url to view original.)

They go on to say that PTSD was first brought to public attention in relation to war Veterans.

According to the U.S. Department of Veterans Affairs, this continues to be a recurring problem for our returning Veterans. According to their statistics, the number of Veterans with PTSD varies by service era:

Operations Iraqi Freedom (OIF) and Enduring Freedom (OEF): About 11-20 out of every 100 Veterans (or between 11-20%) who served in OIF or OEF have PTSD in a given year.

Gulf War (Desert Storm): About 12 out of every 100 Gulf War Veterans (or 12%) have PTSD in a given year.

Vietnam War: About 15 out of every 100 Vietnam Veterans (or 15%) were currently diagnosed with PTSD at the time of the most recent study in the late 1980s, the National Vietnam Veterans Readjustment Study (NVVRS). It is estimated that about 30 out of every 100 (or 30%) of Vietnam Veterans have had PTSD in their lifetime.http://www.ptsd.va.gov/public/PTSD-overview/basics/how-common-is-ptsd.asp retrieved 11/3/15.

John Sippola, Chaplain, LTC, ret., MDiv, expresses the issue well in his forward to Veterans: Surviving and Thriving After Trauma, by Ester Leutenberg and Carol Butler.

War casts a long shadow. For far too many service members and their families, the initial expressions of welcome, joy and relief are soon overshadowed by hidden wounds to mind, body and spirit. Too many Veterans ﬁnd they are engaged in yet another desperate battle. And, in this hidden war after the war they discover enemies they feel ill-equipped to ﬁght. Aftershocks of war-related trauma and dangerous undertows of depression sabotage their mission for a more satisfying life in community: Moral injury drowns the quest for inner peace, and substance abuse undermines hard-won gains.

How can we help our Veterans with PTSD? How do we return them to their families and communities healed so they can begin to carve out their “new normal?” How can we make sure that soldiers leaving young families like the one pictured below will return to that family having dealt with the scars of war?

This is, of course, a huge question…far greater than can be answered here.The following is information from Veterans: Surviving an Thriving after Trauma by Ester Leutenberg and Carol Butler. As you will see, it addresses Veterans in language they will easily understand.

Education and Assessment
Deceptions and Distortions

This information and exercise below are aimed at the Veteran and ask questions from his/her viewpoint.

DECEPTION in military terms means a strategy that seeks to deceive, trick or fool the enemy and create a false perception in a way that can be leveraged for a military advantage.

DISTORTED THOUGHTS deceive us and make us miserable. Cognitive therapy asserts that thoughts affect feelings which affect actions.

Example: A service person thinks I should have died when my buddy died; I’ll never enjoy life again.

The service person feels depressed, guilty , hopeless and worthless.
The service person acts in detrimental ways such as drinking or drugging to escape, driving recklessly, possibly attempting suicide, all because of thinking I don’ t deserve to live.

Example: A partner thinks the changes are very drastic: I don’t even know the person I married.

The partner feels overwhelmed, unable to understand, scared.
The partner acts standofﬁsh, fearful, irritated.

Distorted thoughts are your current enemy. They have been camouﬂaged but now you will recognize them.

Place a check or highlight the distortions that describe ways you usually think.

DISTORTION	EXAMPLE
All or nothing Or Black or white	You see absolutes: right or wrong, good or bad, no middle ground, no gray areas.
Overgeneralization	You see a past failure or trauma as a never ending pattern of defeat or destruction.
Mental Filter	You dwell on negatives Ex: looking at coffee grounds and ignoring the coffee.
Discounting the Positives	You downplay accomplishments; you ignore productive possibilities of trauma.
Jumping to Conclusions or Fortune Telling	You are sure things are bad or will get worse, even though you have no proof.
Mind Reading	You are sure people are against you and thinking the worst about you.
Magnification	You blow things out of proportion, usually negative things.
Minimization	You blow off or ignore positive things, or hard issues you need to face.
Emotional Reasoning	You feel demolished and devastated now, so you decide you are ruined for life.
Shoulda, Coulda, Woulda	You criticize, and regret what should, could, would have been done or not done.
Labeling	You call yourself names or stereotype people who remind you of the enemy.
Blame	You blame yourself for events for which you were not entirely responsible, or you blame others when you have contributed to a situation.
Catastrophizing	You treat challenges as major disasters and expect the worst outcome.
Excessive Self-Criticism	You put yourself down: you are harder on yourself than you are on others.
Making Demands	You expect people to follow your orders – just as when you were in the military.
Self-Fulfilling Prophecy	You expect the worst from yourself and others, and usually get it.
Personalization	You think negative events are your fault or that things happen because of or in response to you, or to a situation you created.

Insight and Empowerment
Deceptions and Distortions

Counterforce, a strategy used in nuclear warfare, targets military infrastructure.
You can counter your cognitive distortions with positive but realistic thoughts.
You are not expected to minimize the atrocities of war or the severity of your trauma.
No magic cure exists to undo damage done to you and others.
Different ways of thinking help you recover.
Just as there are military police, you can be your own thought police.
Prior examples show how your thoughts adversely affect your feelings and actions.
The next examples and exercises show you how changing your thoughts will favorably affect your feelings and actions.

Read the negative example below; note the distortions, resultant feelings and actions.

Thought: I was traumatized in combat and will never get over it.
Distortions: Over-generalization, jumping to conclusions, fortune telling.
Feelings: Discouragement and despair; no hope for recovery.
Actions: Give up on yourself; refuse help or do not seek help.

Read the positive but realistic replacement thought below; note improved feelings and actions.

Thought: I was exposed to trauma, but I can get therapy and learn ways to help myself.
Feelings: Awareness, acceptance, empowerment, hope.
Actions: Ask for treatment; join support groups; learn techniques for self-help.

Troublesome Thoughts

Describe your most troublesome thoughts below; identify the distortions, resultant feelings and actions. Then replace each thought, noting the improvement in feelings and actions:

Negative Thought:

________________________________________________________________________________

Distortions:

________________________________________________________________________________

Feelings:

________________________________________________________________________________

Actions:

________________________________________________________________________________

Replacement Thought:

________________________________________________________________________________

Feelings:

________________________________________________________________________________

Actions:

________________________________________________________________________________

Negative Thought:

________________________________________________________________________________

Distortions:

________________________________________________________________________________

Feelings:

________________________________________________________________________________

Actions:

________________________________________________________________________________

Replacement Thought:

________________________________________________________________________________

Feelings:

________________________________________________________________________________

Actions:

________________________________________________________________________________

Negative Thought:

________________________________________________________________________________

Distortions:

________________________________________________________________________________

Feelings:

________________________________________________________________________________

Actions:

________________________________________________________________________________

Replacement Thought:

________________________________________________________________________________

Feelings:

________________________________________________________________________________

Actions:

________________________________________________________________________________

Negative Thought:

________________________________________________________________________________

Distortions:

________________________________________________________________________________

Feelings:

________________________________________________________________________________

Actions:

________________________________________________________________________________

Replacement Thought:

________________________________________________________________________________

Feelings:

________________________________________________________________________________

Actions:

________________________________________________________________________________

5. Decisive Point in military strategy is a geographic place, speciﬁc key event, critical system, or function that allows commanders to gain a marked advantage over an enemy and greatly inﬂuence the outcome of an attack.

Your decisive point is now.
What are the advantages of cognitive counterforce as illustrated by your replacement thoughts in numbers 1-4?

________________________________________________________________________________

6. Consider the following quotations.

Explain why you agree or disagree with each one, and apply each one to your life:

The basis of optimism is sheer terror. ~ Oscar Wilde

________________________________________________________________________________

Oh my friend, it’s not what they take away from you that counts. It’s what you do with what you have left. ~ Hubert Humphrey

________________________________________________________________________________

Life is a shipwreck but we must not forget to sing in the lifeboats. ~ Voltaire

________________________________________________________________________________

There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so. ~ William Shakespeare

________________________________________________________________________________

Click here to download a printable version of the Veterans exercise above.

Thank the Veterans you know for their service, no matter when it was.
Ask what you can do to help if you see a Veteran struggling.
A happy WWII Veteran, Alex Lutkevich, returning home to his bride.
Talk to your pastor, priest, rabbi or other religious leader about starting an organization for returning Veterans in your church. (An excellent resource: Welcome Them Home, Help Them Heal. Written to equip the growing number of pastors, parish nurses, counselors, and caregivers in churches across the country to support and advocate for Veterans and their loved ones. It expands the reader’s knowledge of how to provide physical, mental, and spiritual care for Veterans and sparks a spirit of willingness and hope.)
Rejoice that so many willing young people serve our country and support them in any way you can!

Random Acts of Kindness

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Random Acts of Kindness

In today’s often horrific environment I find myself wondering if kindness is worth the effort. Then I see someone doing something nice for someone else (or for me) and I realize that living in kindness is a personal thing. The joy of doing something kind unexpectedly for someone else is not only good for the person you helped, but for you.

“We make a living by what we get. We make a life by what we give.” ~ Winston Churchill

“It’s not what you gather, but what you scatter that tells what kind of life you have lived.” ~ Golda Meir

There are a ton of websites out there promoting random acts of kindness, including the Pay It Forward Foundation . Many offer ideas, many share pictures. My favorite is a YouTube video. Click here to watch.Stay with it until the end. The recipient’s reaction is priceless.

The following is an article about 5 lovely side effects you receive when you do something nice for someone who doesn’t expect it. Thank you, Dr. Hamilton, for your permission to use it here. I added the photos.

The 5 Side Effects of Kindness

Published on May 30, 2011 by David R. Hamilton PhD
Retrieved from http://drdavidhamilton.com/the-5-side-effects-of-kindness/ on October 21, 2015.

When we think of side effects the first thing that springs to mind are the side effects of drugs. But who’d have thought that kindness could have side effects too?

Well, it does! And positive ones at that.

1) Kindness Makes us Happier

When we do something kind for someone else, we feel good. On a spiritual level, many people feel that this is because it is the right thing to do and so we’re tapping into something deep and profound inside of us that says, ‘This is who I am.’

On a biochemical level, it is believed that the good feeling we get is due to elevated levels of the brain’s natural versions of morphine and heroin, which we know as endogenous opioids. They cause elevated levels of dopamine in the brain and so we get a natural high, often referred to as ‘Helper’s High’.

2) Kindness Gives us Healthier Hearts

Acts of kindness are often accompanied by emotional warmth. Emotional warmth produces the hormone, oxytocin, in the brain and throughout the body. Of recent interest is its significant role in the cardiovascular system.

Oxytocin causes the release of a chemical called nitric oxide in blood vessels, which dilates (expands) the blood vessels. This reduces blood pressure and therefore oxytocin is known as a ‘cardioprotective’ hormone because it protects the heart (by lowering blood pressure). The key is that acts kindness can produce oxytocin and therefore kindness can be said to be cardioprotective.

3) Kindness Slows Aging

Aging on a biochemical level is a combination of many things, but two culprits that speed the process are Free Radicals and Inflammation, both of which result from making unhealthy lifestyle choices.

But remarkable research now shows that oxytocin (that we produce through emotional warmth) reduces levels of free radicals and inflammation in the cardiovascular system and so slows aging at source. Incidentally these two culprits also play a major role in heart disease so this is also another reason why kindness is good for the heart.

There have also been suggestions in the scientific journals of the strong link between compassion and the activity of the vagus nerve. The vagus nerve, as well as regulating heart rate, also controls inflammation levels in the body. One study that used the Tibetan Buddhist’s ‘Loving Kindness Compassion’ meditation found that kindness and compassion did, in fact, reduce inflammation in the body, mostly likely due to its effects on the vagus nerve.

4) Kindness Makes for Better Relationships

This is one of the most obvious points. We all know that we like people who show us kindness. This is because kindness reduces the emotional distance between two people and so we feel more ‘bonded’. It’s something that is so strong in us that it’s actually a genetic thing. We are wired for kindness.

Our evolutionary ancestors had to learn to cooperate with one another. The stronger the emotional bonds within groups, the greater were the chances of survival and so ‘kindness genes’ were etched into the human genome.

So today when we are kind to each other we feel a connection and new relationships are forged, or existing ones strengthened.

5) Kindness is Contagious

When we’re kind we inspire others to be kind and studies show that it actually creates a ripple effect that spreads outwards to our friends’ friends’ friends – to 3-degrees of separation. Just as a pebble creates waves when it is dropped in a pond, so acts of kindness ripple outwards touching others’ lives and inspiring kindness everywhere the wave goes.

A recent scientific study reported that than an anonymous 28-year-old person walked into a clinic and donated a kidney. It set off a ‘pay it forward’ type ripple effect where the spouses or other family members of recipients of a kidney donated one of theirs to someone else in need. The ‘domino effect’, as it was called in the New England Journal of Medicine report, spanned the length and breadth of the United States of America, where 10 people received a new kidney as a consequence of that anonymous donor.

******

This information and all scientific references can be found in more detail in my books, ‘Why Kindness is Good for You’ (Hay House, 2010) and ‘The Contagious Power of Thinking’ (Hay House, 2011)

Having trouble thinking of something to do for someone that doesn’t cost a ton of money? Check this site.

Here is my random act of kindness for today. Are you a fan of Handel’s “Messiah,” especially the Hallelujah Chorus? If you are watch this YouTube video that first appeared around 2009. Click here if you’d like to watch. Enjoy your laughter. It too is good for your health.

Motivated Behavior Modification

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Motivated Behavior Modification (MBM)
From Emotional Well-Being Workbook
by Ester Leutenberg and John J. Liptak, PhD.

Emotions can hinder behavioral change. The impact of emotions on a person’s motivation and subsequent behavioral changes can be monumental. Therefore, as the facilitator, it will help to be aware of any emotional barriers that may be keeping participants from being successful as they work to live happier, emotionally-well lives.

Here are some of the most prominent reasons that bar people from changing their negative, pessimistic emotions into positive, hopeful, and optimistic ones.

Some people prefer instant gratification and don’t look at the long-term benefits and consequences of their behavior.
Some people, even when they are conforming to the plan, experience negative emotions, and believe that a little cheating on the program is OK. They will deal with the consequences at a later date.
Some people feel they are too busy to worry about the consequences of unhealthy behaviors.
Some people are indifferent to unhealthy behaviors. They are the “This will never work” folks.
Some people have a sense of invincibility and believe that they are immune to the negative outcomes of their behavior.

Calm and Collected Ester Leutenberg

Enhanced emotional well-being has been shown to contribute to one’s ability to cope with stressors and change in life, self-esteem, and longevity. In working with emotions to enhance emotional well-being, it is important to remember that emotions influence thoughts and behaviors. Emotions have the quality of alerting people that something is wrong in their lives and something needs to be changed.

Motivated Behavior Modification (MBM) is an effective tool to deal with these issues. The seven steps are:

1. Self-Assessment – Determine the frequency, circumstances, and outcomes of the emotions to be altered or enhanced. Motivated Behavior Modification relies on objective self-assessment to determine each participant’s unhealthy emotions and to establish a baseline for their strengths and limitations. Once a baseline is established, the data collected can be used to track a participant’s progress in changing unhealthy emotions to more healthy ones.

In this stage, people acknowledge that they have a problem and begin to seriously think about making healthier lifestyle changes. They want to explore in depth the level of their difficulties in changing negative emotions. Self-assessments are very powerful tools for helping participants learn more about themselves and gain valuable insights into their thinking, feelings and behaviors. Facilitators can gather information about participants to get a complete picture of each person.

2. Support System – The next step in Motivated Behavior Modification involves participants recognizing who is in their support system and identifying which people are supportive of which topics. This requires participants to think about who can support them through each particular behavior modification, what their supports can do, and how they will help.

3. Journaling – The next step in MBM is journaling answers to specific questions. Journaling has been shown to be very effective in helping people to think critically about themselves and the issues with which they are coping. Remind participants not to concern themselves with grammar or spelling. Just free-writing thoughts and ideas is the purpose of the journal.

4. Goal Setting – Goals initiate an action plan and are necessary to motivate behavioral change. These goals will help participants replace their old, negative habits with new, healthier habits. This will help to give order and context for the change process. Goals should be specific and behavioral, measurable, attainable, relevant and time-specific.

5. Monitoring – The next step in Motivated Behavior Modification is to monitor behaviors until desired outcomes are reached.

6. Rewards – This step defines rewards for accomplishing behavioral goals. These rewards will vary greatly from person to person.

7. Tips – This final step in Motivational Behavior Modification is to provide insights into ways people can deal with unwanted behaviors.

These steps are outlined in much more detail in the Emotional Well-Being Workbook. Click here to learn more about this workbook.

Sleep – wanted, needed, necessary!

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The Importance of Sleep

Retrieved from the National Heart Lung and Blood Institute, http://www.nhlbi.nih.gov/health/health-topics/topics/sdd/why, 9/28/15, and used with their permission.

Sleep plays a vital role in good health and well-being throughout your life. Getting enough quality sleep at the right times can help protect your mental health, physical health, quality of life, and safety.

10 Things to Hate About Sleep Loss

By Camille Peri from WebMD (See link below)

1. Sleepiness Causes Accidents
2. Sleep Loss Dumbs You Down
3. Sleep Deprivation Can Lead to Serious Health Problems
4. Lack of Sleep Kills Sex Drive
5. Sleepiness Is Depressing
6. Lack of Sleep Ages Your Skin
7. Sleepiness Makes You Forgetful
8. Losing Sleep Can Make You Gain Weight
9. Lack of Sleep May Increase Risk of Death
10. Sleep Loss Impairs Judgment,

Retrieved from http://www.webmd.com/sleep-disorders/excessive-sleepiness-10/10-results-sleep-loss?page=3 on July 27, 2015. Click here to read more about these ten issues.

Retrieved from the National Heart Lung and Blood Institute, http://www.nhlbi.nih.gov/health/health-topics/topics/sdd/why, 9/28/15, and used with their permission.

The way you feel while you’re awake depends in part on what happens while you’re sleeping. During sleep, your body is working to support healthy brain function and maintain your physical health. In children and teens, it helps support growth and development. Ongoing deficiencies can raise your risk for some chronic health problems. It also can affect how well you think, react, work, learn, and get along with others.

Studies show that a good night’s sleep improves learning. Whether you’re learning math, how to play the piano, how to perfect your golf swing, or how to drive a car, sleep helps enhance your learning and problem-solving skills. It helps you pay attention, make decisions, and be creative.

Studies also show that sleep deficiency alters activity in some parts of the brain. If you’re sleep deficient, you may have trouble making decisions, solving problems, controlling your emotions and behavior, and coping with change. Sleep deficiency also has been linked to depression, suicide, and risk-taking behavior.

Children and teens who are sleep deficient may have problems getting along with others. They may feel angry and impulsive, have mood swings, feel sad or depressed, or lack motivation. They also may have problems paying attention, and they may get lower grades and feel stressed.

Sleep plays an important role in your physical health. For example, sleep is involved in healing and repair of your heart and blood vessels. Ongoing sleep deficiency is linked to an increased risk of heart disease, kidney disease, high blood pressure, diabetes, and stroke.

Sleep deficiency also increases the risk of obesity. Sleep helps maintain a healthy balance of the hormones that make you feel hungry (ghrelin) or full (leptin). When you don’t get enough sleep, your level of ghrelin goes up and your level of leptin goes down. This makes you feel hungrier than when you’re well-rested.

Sleep also affects how your body reacts to insulin, the hormone that controls your blood glucose (sugar) level. Sleep deficiency results in a higher than normal blood sugar level, which may increase your risk for diabetes.

Sleep also supports healthy growth and development. Deep sleep triggers the body to release the hormone that promotes normal growth in children and teens. This hormone also boosts muscle mass and helps repair cells and tissues in children, teens, and adults. Sleep also plays a role in puberty and fertility.

Your immune system relies on sleep to stay healthy. This system defends your body against foreign or harmful substances. Ongoing sleep deficiency can change the way in which your immune system responds. For example, if you’re sleep deficient, you may have trouble fighting common infections.

Here’s the recommended amount of sleep we should get each day.

Newborns 16–18 hours a day
Preschool-aged children 11–12 hours a day
School-aged children At least 10 hours a day
Teens 9–10 hours a day
Adults (including the elderly) 7–8 hours a day

If you routinely lose sleep or choose to sleep less than needed, the sleep loss adds up. The total sleep lost is called your sleep debt. For example, if you lose 2 hours of sleep each night, you’ll have a sleep debt of 14 hours after a week.

Some people nap as a way to deal with sleepiness. Naps may provide a short-term boost in alertness and performance. However, napping doesn’t provide all of the other benefits of night-time sleep. Thus, you can’t really make up for lost sleep. Some people sleep more on their days off than on work days. They also may go to bed later and get up later on days off. Sleeping more on days off might be a sign that you aren’t getting enough sleep. Although extra sleep on days off might help you feel better, it can upset your body’s sleep–wake rhythm.

Who Is at Risk for Sleep Deprivation and Deficiency?

Sleep deficiency, which includes sleep deprivation, affects people of all ages, races, and ethnicities. Certain groups of people may be more likely to be sleep deficient. Examples include people who:

• Have limited time available for sleep, such as caregivers or people working long hours or more than one job
• Have schedules that conflict with their internal body clocks, such as shift workers, first responders, teens who have early school schedules, or people who must travel for work

• Make lifestyle choices that prevent them from getting enough sleep, such as taking medicine to stay awake, abusing alcohol or drugs, or not leaving enough time for sleep
• Have undiagnosed or untreated medical problems, such as stress, anxiety, or sleep disorders
• Have medical conditions or take medicines that interfere with sleep

What Are the Signs and Symptoms of Problem Sleepiness?

Sleep deficiency can cause you to feel very tired during the day. You may not feel refreshed and alert when you wake up. Sleep deficiency also can interfere with work, school, driving, and social functioning.

How sleepy you feel during the day can help you figure out whether you’re having symptoms of problem sleepiness. You might be sleep deficient if you often feel like you could doze off while:

• Sitting and reading or watching TV
• Sitting still in a public place, such as a movie theater, meeting, or classroom
• Riding in a car for an hour without stopping
• Sitting and talking to someone
• Sitting quietly after lunch
• Sitting in traffic for a few minutes

To find out whether you’re sleep deficient, try keeping a sleep diary for a couple of weeks. Write down how much you sleep each night, how alert and rested you feel in the morning, and how sleepy you feel during the day.

For a complete guide to healthy sleep, click here.

Slow down, you move to fast.

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This article retrieved from Michael Arloski, PhD’s blog at on 9/22/15. Click on his name to go to his website.

“Summertime and the livin’ is easy.” How long has it been since the words of that old song rang true? In response to the accelerated pace of life a conscious movement has emerged to help us slow down and reclaim our quality of life again.

What started in Italy with “slow food” as a reaction to omnipresent “fast food” has morphed into a broader “slow living” movement including slow travel, slow schools, slow cities, slow design, slow relationships and more. Its main tenet is that for a more fulfilling and deeply satisfying life we need to allow the appropriate amount of time to experience the activities we engage in.

Photo by Deb Lutkevich

Savoring may save us. Consciousness may return control to our lives. As author Carl Honore (In Praise of Slowness) puts it, our cultural obsession with speed erodes our health, productivity and quality of life. “We are living the fast life, instead of the good life.”

Operating on “automatic pilot” may seem like an important strategy to cope with feeling overwhelmed. However it usually results in staying stuck in habits that don’t serve us as well as the conscious choices we might make instead, if only we…slowed down and thought about it. As Mae West tells us “Anything worth doing is worth doing slowly.”

Downshifting
So, how do we make the shift? How do we de-stress ourselves, further change our perception of time and pump up our quality of life? How do we begin to embrace and benefit from “slow living”?

Value the intrinsic over the extrinsic. Focus on the internal rewards found in experience, not production; the taste of fresh tomatoes, the smile of a child. The irony here is that we know that intrinsic motivation drives greater and more creative productivity.
Re-wire your brain. Changing life-long habits means developing new neural pathways in our brains and staying off the old well-worn habit pathways. Catch yourself in your old speedy habits and jump back on the new path over and over again.

Plan to be spontaneous. Plan ahead to have free time. Make plans to “be” not just get things done. Make reservations at campgrounds so you will get out and do it. Arrange with friends to have a slow dinner evening savoring food and fun.

Lose your mind and come to your senses. Focusing on our sensory experience of taste, sound, touch, and smell can help us slow down. Breathe deep, eyes closed, and take a moment to smell the roses.

Enjoying the win with Coach Grammy

Create conspiracies. The only way to break out of unhealthy cultural norms is to conspire with friends, family and co-workers to create healthier, slower ones. Together cultivate the Italian phrase “Il dolce far niente” the sweetness of doing nothing!

Click here to read more about Dr. Arloski’s work.
Click here for information about Dr. Arloski’s book, Wellness Coaching for Lasting Lifestyle Change .

The Three Essentials of Attraction

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What Every Successful Presenter Knows: The Three Essentials of Attraction
By Izzy Gesell

Visit Izzy’s website.

“Energy Manager” is one of the many roles a presenter plays when speaking in front of a group. We know, as do the folks who ask us to present, that the attendees at a program experience one of two energy flow states. At just about any moment, they’re either being energized or they are being drained of their liveliness.

Essential 1: Vulnerability

When I was studying comedy writing and performance at the New School in New York City, I struggled to muster the courage necessary to manifest the “stand-up” part of stand-up comedy. I was writing well but remained terrified of getting up on stage to present my material. One evening I asked the teacher to reveal the secret to me. “How do I overcome my fear of getting up on stage?” I inquired of George Q. Lewis, the magical man who had written for Red Skelton and Bob Hope and who was now teaching the class. He put his Styrofoam cup of coffee down, looked me in the eye and said, “You don’t overcome your fear. You bring it up on stage with you. That’s what people are interested in.”

He understood that audiences want to know how we’ve dealt with the problems in our lives and what we have to teach them. No comedian comes out and says “Good evening! My life is great, things are smooth, and the trust fund check always arrives on time. Can you relate?” Comedians come out and speak rather to the fears and frustrations they (and we) encounter: politics, relationships, self-esteem, etc. The audience nods and says to itself, “Yeah, me too. What did you do about it?”

Wise Mr. Lewis showed me that audiences relate to the struggles in life. They are there for guidance as well as laughter. They relate to us through the challenges we have encountered. We relate to them through storytelling. I believe the magic of storytelling lies in the fact that when we tell our own story we are sharing an individual experience. Yet, as we tell it and it travels from our lips to the ears, hearts and minds of our audiences, the story trans forms from being one person’s experience to one that contains a universal truth. Many in the audience can relate to that universal truth. We start out sharing our vulnerability and end up discovering a source of our strength. They are both the same.

Essential 2: Presence

Our presence is what attracts the audience to us. It is the magnet that pulls their attention towards us, that quality of poise and effectiveness that enables a presenter to achieve a close relationship with an audience. The energy in the room is fueled by our presence. If we are to be considered an “attraction,” it is our presence that makes us so.

A means to developing presence is learning to be in the moment, to “be in the here and now.” Wonderful opportunities to develop this quality offer themselves to me whenever I am at a professional gathering or a social event. As I’m talking to a friend or new acquaintance in the hallway of the hotel or the kitchen, I see out of the corner of my eye someone else I am dying to speak to. Each time I resist the urge to let my attention drift from the person I’m speaking to, I enhance my presence. Each time I refocus my awareness to the one I am with, I bring myself to the present. The greatest gift I can give myself or my audience is my presence. If you need basic “presence” training, I encourage you to enroll in an improv theater class.

As you develop your presence, you gain the benefit of “gravitas.” Communication expert Karen Cortell Reisman considers “gravitas” to be a vital element of a successful keynote speech. What is it? Merriam-Webster dictionary defines gravitas as the “condition of wakefulness, steadiness and equanimity derived from disciplined practice of presence.” It is the environment in which our magic is spun.

Essential 3: Spontaneity

We demonstrate the elements of poise and effectiveness to our audiences in what we do and how we react to unexpected situations. When we are on the platform, standing in front of our audiences, we are in a leadership position, both actually and metaphorically. They look to

us very intently during situations that are unexpected in either their timing or impact. What are they looking for? They want to see how we respond spontaneously. Spontaneity is a skill that enhances presence and, as paradoxical as it seems, spontaneity can be practiced. In fact, in order to become spontaneous, you must practice spontaneity.

Blocks to spontaneity occur when thinking takes the place of acting from natural feeling. Spontaneous responses never seem contrived or manipulated. They seem natural because they are unaffected. You can’t worry about what people are going to think. You know very well that

people are going to think what they want to, based on their own perceptions of the truth. You may as well act from your own heart, soul and experience. If you are going to go down, you may as well go down with your own truth.

Try This:

“Radio Announcer” is a game I use to practice spontaneity. It can be played while driving, walking, typing at your computer or even sitting somewhere with nothing to do, like at an airport after your flight has been cancelled and you have a four-hour layover.

Begin to objectively describe, out loud, whatever is coming into your field of awareness. No thoughts, no judgments, no explanations. Allow for as much stream of consciousness reporting as possible. Here is a transcript of part one of my experiences playing the game while driving on an Interstate.

“I’m just passing mile marker 114. There is a red car coming up on my left. I can’t tell what it is but it’s going faster than I am. It’s passing me now. It’s an SUV of some kind. Connecticut plates. The Constitution State. Blue plate. A little bit of ice is still hanging from the rocks on the sides of the road. Sun is shining, blue sky. Truck has flashers blinking going up the hill. I’m passing him. The woman in the car next to me is wearing a green hat and sunglasses. I like this song on the radio. There is a CD on the floor….”

You get the idea. Play this game for about two to three minutes at a time.

So What?

We can nurture the three elements that help make us real, the three fundamental aspects of authenticity that make us attractive to the audience: vulnerability, presence and spontaneity. When the audience is charged by our presence and the attention is directed toward us, we are where we want to be and they are where we want them! This is what is meant by “holding the audience’s attention.”

Check out Izzy’s book, Playing Along on our website.

On Journaling

by Ester R.A. Leutenberg

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May your holidays be filled with Joy and Love.

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1) Kindness Makes us Happier

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3) Kindness Slows Aging

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5) Kindness is Contagious

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Motivated Behavior Modification (MBM) From Emotional Well-Being Workbook by Ester Leutenberg and John J. Liptak, PhD.

Motivated Behavior Modification (MBM) is an effective tool to deal with these issues. The seven steps are:

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This article is taken from Family Breakup and Survival Workbook by
Ester Leutenberg and John Liptak, EdD.

Play – Just for Kids?
By Leigh Anne Jasheway
From Are You Playing with Me?

Mouth Yoga
By Julie Lusk

Education and Assessment
Deceptions and Distortions

Insight and Empowerment
Deceptions and Distortions

Motivated Behavior Modification (MBM)
From Emotional Well-Being Workbook
by Ester Leutenberg and John J. Liptak, PhD.

What Every Successful Presenter Knows: The Three Essentials of Attraction
By Izzy Gesell