Coping with Grief: Holidays and Special Days are Challenging

The following information was taken from Chapter 13, “Special Days“, in GriefWork: Healing from Loss by Fran Zamore, LISW, IMFT & Ester Leutenberg.

Special days, like holidays, birthdays, anniversaries, graduations, Sundays and many, many others, offer challenges to anyone who has suffered a loss. These days are glaring reminders (as if they were needed) of the absence of a loved one. We may find that our emotionality is heightened just prior, during and just after any special day. Many people who are grieving are surprised at this phenomenon and truly feel blindsided.

Another surprise that often catches people unaware is the emotional difficulty they experience during the second year. This is often true because people think that they have managed this particular event without the loved one, so it will be easier the second time. They do not prepare for the emotional impact and are shocked. Or, they realize, with hindsight, that during the particular event in the first year they were still quite numb, and in the second year they are fully feeling their feelings.

Here Are Some Tips for Coping with Holiday Grief:

• Get plenty of rest.
• Any special day can be difficult.
• Set reasonable expectations for yourself. Don’t try to do everything and see everyone.
• Be realistic about what can and cannot be done.
• Schedule brief breaks to be alone.
• Try to tell those around you what you really need, since they may not know how to help you. Ask for their understanding if you withdraw from an activity that doesn’t feel like a good idea to you.
• Acknowledge to yourself that the occasion may be painful at times.
• Let yourself feel whatever you feel.
• Express feelings in a way that is not hurtful.
• Don’t be afraid to rethink traditions. Keep in mind that traditions, even long-standing ones,can be changed and can be resumed next year, or not.
• Limit your time – grief is emotionally and physically exhausting.
• Take time for yourself for relaxation and remembrance.
• Honor the memory of a loved one – give a gift or donation in his or her name, light a candle, display pictures and/or share favorite stories with supportive people.
• Discuss, ahead of time with family and/or friends, what each person can do to make this time special. Share in the responsibility, and see what can be eliminated or included to keep it less stressful.
• If celebrating does not feel right, try volunteering this year.
• Think about what part of this event you are not looking forward to, and discuss with other participants ahead of time, what can be done to change it.
• Remember, it is okay to laugh and enjoy yourself.
• Leave an event early if you want or need to.
• Make a shopping list ahead of time and shop on a good day.
• Propose a toast to your loved one and invite people to share memories.
• Give yourself permission to cut back on holiday decorations, preparations and gift-giving.

Coping with Grief: Holidays and Special Events Worksheet

Choose five of the sentence-starters below and write in the first thoughts that come to your mind.

Examples:  

• My birthday is no long as joyful since my loved one died.
• My birthday reminds me of all the previous birthdays we spent together.
• My birthday gives me an aging and vulnerable feeling.

My birthday ____________________________________________________________________________________ .

_________________________________________________________________________________________________ .

On ______________________, my concern is _______________________________________________________ .

_________________________________________________________________________________________________ .

Buying gifts is __________________________________________________________________________________ .

_________________________________________________________________________________________________ .

Special family events (graduations, weddings, births, etc.) are _________________________________ .

________________________________________________________________________________________________ .

___________________’s birthday is coming up soon and __________________________________________ .

________________________________________________________________________________________________ .

On holidays I am still expected to _____________________________________________________________ .

________________________________________________________________________________________________ .

Special events feel ____________________________________________________________________________ .

_______________________________________________________________________________________________ .

The anniversary will be coming soon and ____________________________________________________ .

_______________________________________________________________________________________________ .

On holidays I feel obligated to _______________________________________________________________ .

______________________________________________________________________________________________ .

The weekends _______________________________________________________________________________ .

______________________________________________________________________________________________ .

Go back to the list of coping skills at the top of the blog. See if any of those skills will help. Jot them down next to what you have already written. 

For a printable version click here: Coping with Holiday Grief

© Whole Person Associates, 101 W 1^st St, Ste 203, Duluth, MN 55802, 800-247-6789. www.wholeperson.com

What is PTSD and how does it affect our Veterans?

The National Institute of Mental Health defines PTSD this way:

When in danger, it’s natural to feel afraid. This fear triggers many split-second changes in the body to prepare to defend against the danger or to avoid it. This “fight-or-flight” response is a healthy reaction meant to protect a person from harm. But in post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), this reaction is changed or damaged. People who have PTSD may feel stressed or frightened even when they’re no longer in danger.

PTSD develops after a terrifying ordeal that involved physical harm or the threat of physical harm. The person who develops PTSD may have been the one who was harmed, the harm may have happened to a loved one, or the person may have witnessed a harmful event that happened to loved ones or strangers.

http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/post-traumatic-stress-disorder-ptsd/index.shtml Retrieved 11/3/15. (Cut and paste url to view original.)

They go on to say that PTSD was first brought to public attention in relation to war Veterans.

According to the U.S. Department of Veterans Affairs, this continues to be a recurring problem for our returning Veterans. According to their statistics, the number of Veterans with PTSD varies by service era:

Operations Iraqi Freedom (OIF) and Enduring Freedom (OEF): About 11-20 out of every 100 Veterans (or between 11-20%) who served in OIF or OEF have PTSD in a given year.

Gulf War (Desert Storm): About 12 out of every 100 Gulf War Veterans (or 12%) have PTSD in a given year.

Vietnam War: About 15 out of every 100 Vietnam Veterans (or 15%) were currently diagnosed with PTSD at the time of the most recent study in the late 1980s, the National Vietnam Veterans Readjustment Study (NVVRS). It is estimated that about 30 out of every 100 (or 30%) of Vietnam Veterans have had PTSD in their lifetime.http://www.ptsd.va.gov/public/PTSD-overview/basics/how-common-is-ptsd.asp retrieved 11/3/15.

John Sippola, Chaplain, LTC, ret., MDiv, expresses the issue well in his forward to Veterans: Surviving and Thriving After Trauma, by Ester Leutenberg and Carol Butler.

War casts a long shadow. For far too many service members and their families, the initial expressions of welcome, joy and relief are soon overshadowed by hidden wounds to mind, body and spirit. Too many Veterans find they are engaged in yet another desperate battle. And, in this hidden war after the war they discover enemies they feel ill-equipped to fight. Aftershocks of war-related trauma and dangerous undertows of depression sabotage their mission for a more satisfying life in community:  Moral injury drowns the quest for inner peace, and substance abuse undermines hard-won gains.

How can we help our Veterans with PTSD? How do we return them to their families and communities healed so they can begin to carve out their “new normal?” How can we make sure that soldiers leaving young families like the one pictured below will return to that family having dealt with the scars of war?

This is, of course, a huge question…far greater than can be answered here.The following is information from Veterans: Surviving an Thriving after Trauma by Ester Leutenberg and Carol Butler. As you will see, it addresses Veterans in language they will easily understand.

Education and Assessment
Deceptions and Distortions

This information and exercise below are aimed at the Veteran and ask questions from his/her viewpoint.

DECEPTION in military terms means a strategy that seeks to deceive, trick or fool the enemy and create a false perception in a way that can be leveraged for a military advantage.

DISTORTED THOUGHTS deceive us and make us miserable. Cognitive therapy asserts that thoughts affect feelings which affect actions.

Example: A service person thinks I should have died when my buddy died; I’ll never enjoy life again.

• The service person feels depressed, guilty , hopeless and worthless.
• The service person acts in detrimental ways such as drinking or drugging to escape, driving recklessly, possibly attempting suicide, all because of thinking I don’ t deserve to live.

Example: A partner thinks the changes are very drastic: I don’t even know the person I married.

• The partner feels overwhelmed, unable to understand, scared.
• The partner acts standoffish, fearful, irritated.

Distorted thoughts are your current enemy. They have been camouflaged but now you will recognize them.

Place a check or highlight the distortions that describe ways you usually think.

Insight and Empowerment
Deceptions and Distortions

• Counterforce, a strategy used in nuclear warfare, targets military infrastructure.
• You can counter your cognitive distortions with positive but realistic thoughts.
• You are not expected to minimize the atrocities of war or the severity of your trauma.
• No magic cure exists to undo damage done to you and others.
• Different ways of thinking help you recover.
• Just as there are military police, you can be your own thought police.
• Prior examples show how your thoughts adversely affect your feelings and actions.
• The next examples and exercises show you how changing your thoughts will favorably affect your feelings and actions.

Read the negative example below; note the distortions, resultant feelings and actions.

• Thought: I was traumatized in combat and will never get over it.
• Distortions: Over-generalization, jumping to conclusions, fortune telling.
• Feelings: Discouragement and despair; no hope for recovery.
• Actions: Give up on yourself; refuse help or do not seek help.

Read the positive but realistic replacement thought below; note improved feelings and actions.

• Thought: I was exposed to trauma, but I can get therapy and learn ways to help myself.
• Feelings: Awareness, acceptance, empowerment, hope.
• Actions: Ask for treatment; join support groups; learn techniques for self-help.

Troublesome Thoughts

Describe your most troublesome thoughts below; identify the distortions, resultant feelings and actions. Then replace each thought, noting the improvement in feelings and actions:

1. Negative Thought:

________________________________________________________________________________

Distortions:

________________________________________________________________________________

Feelings:

________________________________________________________________________________

Actions:

________________________________________________________________________________

Replacement Thought:

________________________________________________________________________________

Feelings:

________________________________________________________________________________

Actions:

________________________________________________________________________________

2. Negative Thought:

________________________________________________________________________________

Distortions:

________________________________________________________________________________

Feelings:

________________________________________________________________________________

Actions:

________________________________________________________________________________

Replacement Thought:

________________________________________________________________________________

Feelings:

________________________________________________________________________________

Actions:

________________________________________________________________________________

3. Negative Thought:

________________________________________________________________________________

Distortions:

________________________________________________________________________________

Feelings:

________________________________________________________________________________

Actions:

________________________________________________________________________________

Replacement Thought:

________________________________________________________________________________

Feelings:

________________________________________________________________________________

Actions:

________________________________________________________________________________

4. Negative Thought:

________________________________________________________________________________

Distortions:

________________________________________________________________________________

Feelings:

________________________________________________________________________________

Actions:

________________________________________________________________________________

Replacement Thought:

________________________________________________________________________________

Feelings:

________________________________________________________________________________

Actions:

________________________________________________________________________________

5. Decisive Point in military strategy is a geographic place, specific key event, critical system, or function that allows commanders to gain a marked advantage over an enemy and greatly influence the outcome of an attack.

• Your decisive point is now.
• What are the advantages of cognitive counterforce as illustrated by your replacement thoughts in numbers 1-4?

________________________________________________________________________________

________________________________________________________________________________

________________________________________________________________________________

________________________________________________________________________________

6. Consider the following quotations.

Explain why you agree or disagree with each one, and apply each one to your life:

The basis of optimism is sheer terror. ~ Oscar Wilde

________________________________________________________________________________

________________________________________________________________________________

________________________________________________________________________________

________________________________________________________________________________

Oh my friend, it’s not what they take away from you that counts. It’s what you do with what you have left.  ~ Hubert Humphrey

________________________________________________________________________________

________________________________________________________________________________

________________________________________________________________________________

________________________________________________________________________________

Life is a shipwreck but we must not forget to sing in the lifeboats.  ~ Voltaire

________________________________________________________________________________

________________________________________________________________________________

________________________________________________________________________________

________________________________________________________________________________

There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so.  ~ William Shakespeare

________________________________________________________________________________

________________________________________________________________________________

________________________________________________________________________________

________________________________________________________________________________

Click here to download a printable version of the Veterans exercise above.

• Thank the Veterans you know for their service, no matter when it was.
• Ask what you can do to help if you see a Veteran struggling.
  

  A happy WWII Veteran, Alex Lutkevich, returning home to his bride.

• Talk to your pastor, priest, rabbi or other religious leader about starting an organization for returning Veterans in your church. (An excellent resource: Welcome Them Home, Help Them Heal. Written to equip the growing number of pastors, parish nurses, counselors, and caregivers in churches across the country to support and advocate for Veterans and their loved ones. It expands the reader’s knowledge of how to provide physical, mental, and spiritual care for Veterans and sparks a spirit of willingness and hope.)
• Rejoice that so many willing young people serve our country and support them in any way you can!

Motivated Behavior Modification (MBM)
From Emotional Well-Being Workbook
by Ester Leutenberg and John J. Liptak, PhD.

Emotions can hinder behavioral change. The impact of emotions on a person’s motivation and subsequent behavioral changes can be monumental. Therefore, as the facilitator, it will help to be aware of any emotional barriers that may be keeping participants from being successful as they work to live happier, emotionally-well lives.

Here are some of the most prominent reasons that bar people from changing their negative, pessimistic emotions into positive, hopeful, and optimistic ones.

• Some people prefer instant gratification and don’t look at the long-term benefits and consequences of their behavior.
• Some people, even when they are conforming to the plan, experience negative emotions, and believe that a little cheating on the program is OK. They will deal with the consequences at a later date.
• Some people feel they are too busy to worry about the consequences of unhealthy behaviors.
• Some people are indifferent to unhealthy behaviors. They are the “This will never work” folks.
• Some people have a sense of invincibility and believe that they are immune to the negative outcomes of their behavior.

Calm and Collected Ester Leutenberg

Enhanced emotional well-being has been shown to contribute to one’s ability to cope with stressors and change in life, self-esteem, and longevity. In working with emotions to enhance emotional well-being, it is important to remember that emotions influence thoughts and behaviors. Emotions have the quality of alerting people that something is wrong in their lives and something needs to be changed.

Motivated Behavior Modification (MBM) is an effective tool to deal with these issues. The seven steps are:

1. Self-Assessment – Determine the frequency, circumstances, and outcomes of the emotions to be altered or enhanced. Motivated Behavior Modification relies on objective self-assessment to determine each participant’s unhealthy emotions and to establish a baseline for their strengths and limitations. Once a baseline is established, the data collected can be used to track a participant’s progress in changing unhealthy emotions to more healthy ones.

In this stage, people acknowledge that they have a problem and begin to seriously think about making healthier lifestyle changes. They want to explore in depth the level of their difficulties in changing negative emotions. Self-assessments are very powerful tools for helping participants learn more about themselves and gain valuable insights into their thinking, feelings and behaviors. Facilitators can gather information about participants to get a complete picture of each person.

2. Support System – The next step in Motivated Behavior Modification involves participants recognizing who is in their support system and identifying which people are supportive of which topics. This requires participants to think about who can support them through each particular behavior modification, what their supports can do, and how they will help.

3. Journaling – The next step in MBM is journaling answers to specific questions. Journaling has been shown to be very effective in helping people to think critically about themselves and the issues with which they are coping. Remind participants not to concern themselves with grammar or spelling. Just free-writing thoughts and ideas is the purpose of the journal.

4. Goal Setting – Goals initiate an action plan and are necessary to motivate behavioral change. These goals will help participants replace their old, negative habits with new, healthier habits. This will help to give order and context for the change process. Goals should be specific and behavioral, measurable, attainable, relevant and time-specific.

5. Monitoring – The next step in Motivated Behavior Modification is to monitor behaviors until desired outcomes are reached.

6. Rewards – This step defines rewards for accomplishing behavioral goals. These rewards will vary greatly from person to person.

7. Tips – This final step in Motivational Behavior Modification is to provide insights into ways people can deal with unwanted behaviors.

These steps are outlined in much more detail in the Emotional Well-Being Workbook. Click here to learn more about this workbook.

The Importance of Sleep

Retrieved from the National Heart Lung and Blood Institute, http://www.nhlbi.nih.gov/health/health-topics/topics/sdd/why, 9/28/15, and used with their permission.

Sleep plays a vital role in good health and well-being throughout your life. Getting enough quality sleep at the right times can help protect your mental health, physical health, quality of life, and safety.

10 Things to Hate About Sleep Loss

By Camille Peri from WebMD (See link below)

1. Sleepiness Causes Accidents
2. Sleep Loss Dumbs You Down
3. Sleep Deprivation Can Lead to Serious Health Problems
4. Lack of Sleep Kills Sex Drive
5. Sleepiness Is Depressing
6. Lack of Sleep Ages Your Skin
7. Sleepiness Makes You Forgetful
8. Losing Sleep Can Make You Gain Weight
9. Lack of Sleep May Increase Risk of Death
10. Sleep Loss Impairs Judgment,

Retrieved from http://www.webmd.com/sleep-disorders/excessive-sleepiness-10/10-results-sleep-loss?page=3 on July 27, 2015. Click here to read more about these ten issues.

Retrieved from the National Heart Lung and Blood Institute, http://www.nhlbi.nih.gov/health/health-topics/topics/sdd/why, 9/28/15, and used with their permission.

The way you feel while you’re awake depends in part on what happens while you’re sleeping. During sleep, your body is working to support healthy brain function and maintain your physical health. In children and teens, it helps support growth and development. Ongoing deficiencies can raise your risk for some chronic health problems. It also can affect how well you think, react, work, learn, and get along with others.

Studies show that a good night’s sleep improves learning. Whether you’re learning math, how to play the piano, how to perfect your golf swing, or how to drive a car, sleep helps enhance your learning and problem-solving skills. It helps you pay attention, make decisions, and be creative.

Studies also show that sleep deficiency alters activity in some parts of the brain. If you’re sleep deficient, you may have trouble making decisions, solving problems, controlling your emotions and behavior, and coping with change. Sleep deficiency also has been linked to depression, suicide, and risk-taking behavior.

Children and teens who are sleep deficient may have problems getting along with others. They may feel angry and impulsive, have mood swings, feel sad or depressed, or lack motivation. They also may have problems paying attention, and they may get lower grades and feel stressed.

Sleep plays an important role in your physical health. For example, sleep is involved in healing and repair of your heart and blood vessels. Ongoing sleep deficiency is linked to an increased risk of heart disease, kidney disease, high blood pressure, diabetes, and stroke.

Sleep deficiency also increases the risk of obesity. Sleep helps maintain a healthy balance of the hormones that make you feel hungry (ghrelin) or full (leptin). When you don’t get enough sleep, your level of ghrelin goes up and your level of leptin goes down. This makes you feel hungrier than when you’re well-rested.

Sleep also affects how your body reacts to insulin, the hormone that controls your blood glucose (sugar) level. Sleep deficiency results in a higher than normal blood sugar level, which may increase your risk for diabetes.

Sleep also supports healthy growth and development. Deep sleep triggers the body to release the hormone that promotes normal growth in children and teens. This hormone also boosts muscle mass and helps repair cells and tissues in children, teens, and adults. Sleep also plays a role in puberty and fertility.

Your immune system relies on sleep to stay healthy. This system defends your body against foreign or harmful substances. Ongoing sleep deficiency can change the way in which your immune system responds. For example, if you’re sleep deficient, you may have trouble fighting common infections.

Here’s the recommended amount of sleep we should get each day.

Newborns 16–18 hours a day
Preschool-aged children 11–12 hours a day
School-aged children At least 10 hours a day
Teens 9–10 hours a day
Adults (including the elderly) 7–8 hours a day

If you routinely lose sleep or choose to sleep less than needed, the sleep loss adds up. The total sleep lost is called your sleep debt. For example, if you lose 2 hours of sleep each night, you’ll have a sleep debt of 14 hours after a week.

Some people nap as a way to deal with sleepiness. Naps may provide a short-term boost in alertness and performance. However, napping doesn’t provide all of the other benefits of night-time sleep. Thus, you can’t really make up for lost sleep. Some people sleep more on their days off than on work days. They also may go to bed later and get up later on days off. Sleeping more on days off might be a sign that you aren’t getting enough sleep. Although extra sleep on days off might help you feel better, it can upset your body’s sleep–wake rhythm.

Who Is at Risk for Sleep Deprivation and Deficiency?

Sleep deficiency, which includes sleep deprivation, affects people of all ages, races, and ethnicities. Certain groups of people may be more likely to be sleep deficient. Examples include people who:

• Have limited time available for sleep, such as caregivers or people working long hours or more than one job
• Have schedules that conflict with their internal body clocks, such as shift workers, first responders, teens who have early school schedules, or people who must travel for work

• Make lifestyle choices that prevent them from getting enough sleep, such as taking medicine to stay awake, abusing alcohol or drugs, or not leaving enough time for sleep
• Have undiagnosed or untreated medical problems, such as stress, anxiety, or sleep disorders
• Have medical conditions or take medicines that interfere with sleep

What Are the Signs and Symptoms of Problem Sleepiness?

Sleep deficiency can cause you to feel very tired during the day. You may not feel refreshed and alert when you wake up. Sleep deficiency also can interfere with work, school, driving, and social functioning.

How sleepy you feel during the day can help you figure out whether you’re having symptoms of problem sleepiness. You might be sleep deficient if you often feel like you could doze off while:

• Sitting and reading or watching TV
• Sitting still in a public place, such as a movie            theater, meeting, or classroom
• Riding in a car for an hour without stopping
• Sitting and talking to someone
• Sitting quietly after lunch
• Sitting in traffic for a few minutes

To find out whether you’re sleep deficient, try keeping a sleep diary for a couple of weeks. Write down how much you sleep each night, how alert and rested you feel in the morning, and how sleepy you feel during the day.

For a complete guide to healthy sleep, click here.

This article retrieved from Michael Arloski, PhD’s blog at  on 9/22/15. Click on his name to go to his website.

“Summertime and the livin’ is easy.” How long has it been since the words of that old song rang true? In response to the accelerated pace of life a conscious movement has emerged to help us slow down and reclaim our quality of life again.

What started in Italy with “slow food” as a reaction to omnipresent “fast food”  has morphed into a broader “slow living” movement including slow travel, slow schools, slow cities, slow design, slow relationships and more. Its main tenet is that for a more fulfilling and deeply satisfying life we need to allow the appropriate amount of time to experience the activities we engage in.

Photo by Deb Lutkevich

Savoring may save us. Consciousness may return control to our lives. As author Carl Honore (In Praise of Slowness) puts it, our cultural obsession with speed erodes our health, productivity and quality of life. “We are living the fast life, instead of the good life.”

Operating on “automatic pilot” may seem like an important strategy to cope with feeling overwhelmed. However it usually results in staying stuck in habits that don’t serve us as well as the conscious choices we might make instead, if only we…slowed down and thought about it. As Mae West tells us “Anything worth doing is worth doing slowly.”

Downshifting
So, how do we make the shift? How do we de-stress ourselves, further change our perception of time and pump up our quality of life? How do we begin to embrace and benefit from “slow living”?

Value the intrinsic over the extrinsic. Focus on the internal rewards found in experience, not production; the taste of fresh tomatoes, the smile of a child. The irony here is that we know that intrinsic motivation drives greater and more creative productivity.
Re-wire your brain. Changing life-long habits means developing new neural pathways in our brains and staying off the old well-worn habit pathways. Catch yourself in your old speedy habits and jump back on the new path over and over again.

Plan to be spontaneous. Plan ahead to have free time. Make plans to “be” not just get things done. Make reservations at campgrounds so you will get out and do it. Arrange with friends to have a slow dinner evening savoring food and fun.

Lose your mind and come to your senses. Focusing on our sensory experience of taste, sound, touch, and smell can help us slow down. Breathe deep, eyes closed, and take a moment to smell the roses.

Enjoying the win with Coach Grammy

Create conspiracies. The only way to break out of unhealthy cultural norms is to conspire with friends, family and co-workers to create healthier, slower ones. Together cultivate the Italian phrase “Il dolce far niente” the sweetness of doing nothing!

Click here to read more about Dr. Arloski’s work.
Click here for information about Dr. Arloski’s book, Wellness Coaching for Lasting Lifestyle Change .

What Every Successful Presenter Knows: The Three Essentials of Attraction
By Izzy Gesell

Visit Izzy’s website.

“Energy Manager” is one of the many roles a presenter plays when speaking in front of a group. We know, as do the folks who ask us to present, that the attendees at a program experience one of two energy flow states. At just about any moment, they’re either being energized or they are being drained of their liveliness.

Essential 1: Vulnerability

When I was studying comedy writing and performance at the New School in New York City, I struggled to muster the courage necessary to manifest the “stand-up” part of stand-up comedy. I was writing well but remained terrified of getting up on stage to present my material. One evening I asked the teacher to reveal the secret to me. “How do I overcome my fear of getting up on stage?” I inquired of George Q. Lewis, the magical man who had written for Red Skelton and Bob Hope and who was now teaching the class. He put his Styrofoam cup of coffee down, looked me in the eye and said, “You don’t overcome your fear. You bring it up on stage with you. That’s what people are interested in.”

He understood that audiences want to know how we’ve dealt with the problems in our lives and what we have to teach them. No comedian comes out and says “Good evening! My life is great, things are smooth, and the trust fund check always arrives on time. Can you relate?” Comedians come out and speak rather to the fears and frustrations they (and we) encounter: politics, relationships, self-esteem, etc. The audience nods and says to itself, “Yeah, me too. What did you do about it?”

Wise Mr. Lewis showed me that audiences relate to the struggles in life. They are there for guidance as well as laughter. They relate to us through the challenges we have encountered. We relate to them through storytelling. I believe the magic of storytelling lies in the fact that when we tell our own story we are sharing an individual experience. Yet, as we tell it and it travels from our lips to the ears, hearts and minds of our audiences, the story trans forms from being one person’s experience to one that contains a universal truth. Many in the audience can relate to that universal truth. We start out sharing our vulnerability and end up discovering a source of our strength. They are both the same.

Essential 2: Presence

Our presence is what attracts the audience to us. It is the magnet that pulls their attention towards us, that quality of poise and effectiveness that enables a presenter to achieve a close relationship with an audience. The energy in the room is fueled by our presence. If we are to be considered an “attraction,” it is our presence that makes us so.

A means to developing presence is learning to be in the moment, to “be in the here and now.” Wonderful opportunities to develop this quality offer themselves to me whenever I am at a professional gathering or a social event. As I’m talking to a friend or new acquaintance in the hallway of the hotel or the kitchen, I see out of the corner of my eye someone else I am dying to speak to. Each time I resist the urge to let my attention drift from the person I’m speaking to, I enhance my presence. Each time I refocus my awareness to the one I am with, I bring myself to the present. The greatest gift I can give myself or my audience is my presence. If you need basic “presence” training, I encourage you to enroll in an improv theater class.

As you develop your presence, you gain the benefit of “gravitas.” Communication expert Karen Cortell Reisman considers “gravitas” to be a vital element of a successful keynote speech. What is it? Merriam-Webster dictionary defines gravitas as the “condition of wakefulness, steadiness and equanimity derived from disciplined practice of presence.” It is the environment in which our magic is spun.

Essential 3: Spontaneity

We demonstrate the elements of poise and effectiveness to our audiences in what we do and how we react to unexpected situations. When we are on the platform, standing in front of our audiences, we are in a leadership position, both actually and metaphorically. They look to

us very intently during situations that are unexpected in either their timing or impact. What are they looking for? They want to see how we respond spontaneously. Spontaneity is a skill that enhances presence and, as paradoxical as it seems, spontaneity can be practiced. In fact, in order to become spontaneous, you must practice spontaneity.

Blocks to spontaneity occur when thinking takes the place of acting from natural feeling. Spontaneous responses never seem contrived or manipulated. They seem natural because they are unaffected. You can’t worry about what people are going to think. You know very well that

people are going to think what they want to, based on their own perceptions of the truth. You may as well act from your own heart, soul and experience. If you are going to go down, you may as well go down with your own truth.

Try This:

“Radio Announcer” is a game I use to practice spontaneity. It can be played while driving, walking, typing at your computer or even sitting somewhere with nothing to do, like at an airport after your flight has been cancelled and you have a four-hour layover.

Begin to objectively describe, out loud, whatever is coming into your field of awareness. No thoughts, no judgments, no explanations. Allow for as much stream of consciousness reporting as possible. Here is a transcript of part one of my experiences playing the game while driving on an Interstate.

“I’m just passing mile marker 114. There is a red car coming up on my left. I can’t tell what it is but it’s going faster than I am. It’s passing me now. It’s an SUV of some kind. Connecticut plates. The Constitution State. Blue plate. A little bit of ice is still hanging from the rocks on the sides of the road. Sun is shining, blue sky. Truck has flashers blinking going up the hill. I’m passing him. The woman in the car next to me is wearing a green hat and sunglasses. I like this song on the radio. There is a CD on the floor….”

You get the idea. Play this game for about two to three minutes at a time.

So What?

We can nurture the three elements that help make us real, the three fundamental aspects of authenticity that make us attractive to the audience: vulnerability, presence and spontaneity. When the audience is charged by our presence and the attention is directed toward us, we are where we want to be and they are where we want them! This is what is meant by “holding the audience’s attention.”

Check out Izzy’s book, Playing Along on our website.

Guilt or Shame – Are they the same?

Taken from Coping with Guilt & Shame Workbook by Ester A. Leutenberg and John J. Liptak, EdD.

Guilt, a very common type of emotional distress, can be described as a feeling that involves self-blame and a sense of responsibility for a regretted action, in-action, or thought. People experience guilty feelings with regret and self-reproach over the belief that they have done, or will do, something wrong or inadequately. Guilt often results from the perception of falling short of self-expectations or the expectations of others. Like many feelings, guilt is often based on irrational thoughts, not facts.

• Feelings of guilt are usually associated with self-talk statements such as “I should have,” “If I would have,” and “I could have.”
• Guilt can be a feeling people experience when they do something judged by their moral code to be wrong. This self-awareness is healthy and promotes self-reflection and positive growth. A person’s moral code, the differentiation of intentions, decisions, and actions between those that are good (or right) and those that are bad (or wrong) is so strong that feelings of guilt can occur when the person has an urge or thinks about doing something against it.
• Guilt can be both healthy an unhealthy. Healthy guilt keeps people functioning in socially acceptable ways and is often associated with a conscience or moral code. Unhealthy guilt occurs when people establish unreasonably high standards for themselves and then feel guilty when they are unable to maintain these standards or when they perseverate on little things that don’t meet their personal standard.
• Two distinctive forms of guilt exist: perceived guilt and justified guilt. Perceived guilt is when a person feels guilty even though he/she had no or little control over something that happened, or when a person negatively interprets the consequences of his/her actions. On the other hand, justified guilt emerges when the facts of a situation justify the person’s feelings of regret and guilt.

Shame is a basic part of being human. Shame can be described as a sense of inadequacy about who you are, how you behave and what you value. It is a negative emotion that people experience when they are feeling embarrassed, humiliated or disgraced, especially in the eyes of important people in their life. Shame is based on an image that people internalize of what is expected of them by others, or of themselves, and then the perception that they have fallen short in another’s, or their own, eyes. Shame can be incapacitating and injurious to people’s physical and emotional health, self-esteem and well-being.

• People experiencing shame will tend to hide or avoid others in order to lessen the damage of their image in the eyes of other people.
• Shame tends to be born of fears and drives people to want to hide or protect themselves from feeling or appearing inadequate.
• When shamed, people feel alone and outside of the rest of society. If shame is acknowledged, accepted and dealt with, it can be overcome.
• Two distinct forms of shame are inadequacy and self-disapproval.
  Shame can also be experience when people feel embarrassed, inadequate, defective, contemptible or dishonorable. Self-disapproval shame occurs when people have painful feelings about themselves because of things they have thought or done.

Many people spend a great deal of their lives living with guilt and shame. It is important for them to deal with the emotions, thoughts and actions related to both guilt and shame in order to lead a more stress-free, calm and satisfying life.

Reframe your negative thoughts. Getting out of bed on the wrong side doesn’t have to ruin your day.

The thunder was crashing, lightening flashing, and the dog was trying to burrow under the carpet this morning. The atmosphere was definitely not conducive to hopping out of bed, jumping into work clothes, wolfing down a quick breakfast and dashing off to work. A glance at the clock said get up now! Yuck! Looking into the mirror while brushing my teeth was a bit scary all by itself. No singing in the shower this morning.

Starting the day in this kind of mood can sabotage your productivity. How can we reframe or reimagine the start of our day? Alexander Caillet, Jeremy Hirshberg, and Stefano Petti have studied this issue and interviewed 740 leaders. In an article in the Harvard Business Review they shared what they learned stressing the following four actions:

• Thoughts and feelings. Acknowledge your emotions to reduce their intensity. Allow your thoughts to be transient. Visualize positive images to generate positive feelings. Refocus your attention on different stimuli. Journal to find clarity. And engage in meaningful conversations to foster understanding and optimism.
• Physiology. Use deep breathing to reduce stress. Stretch to loosen muscles, stimulate blood flow and improve cognitive function. And take breaks to clear the mind, relax the prefrontal cortex and increase contentment.
• External environment. Adjust lighting and block noise to generate calm. Listen to music to stimulate reflection. Eliminate clutter to reduce anxiety and improve focus. And spend time in nature to shift perspective.
• Health and well-being.  Eat a well-balanced diet, stick to an exercise regimen and get adequate sleep to maintain your energy and balance.

Retrieved September 2, 2015 from https://hbr.org/2015/04/4-steps-to-dispel-a-bad-mood.

Our productivity is directly linked to our mood when we arrive at work. It is much easier to reframe our thoughts before we head out to a busy work day. Consider the bad weather/depressed mood scenario.

• You control your emotions and mood. You don’t have to be crabby just because the weather is crabby.
• Think about the accuracy of your thoughts. “It’s raining so it will be a bad day.” “Everyone at work will be mean spirited today.” When you look at them objectively, are they true?
• Think of positive ways to restructure these thoughts. “I will not let the weather control me. “ “I will cheer others up with my good spirits.” “My productivity will be positively effected by my taking a few moments to reframe my thoughts.”
• Take action: “I will sing in the shower this morning.” “I will smile and be pleasant to the grumpy folks I encounter.” “My mood might lighten the moods of others, but my job is to be in charge of myself.”

These simple steps can be used for any negative thinking. Using your own experiences practice reframing your thoughts to control your mood. Remember that you are only responsible for yourself. Each individual must do their own reframing. If your cheerful outlook touches someone else for the better that’s a great bonus.

Adapted from Building Resiliency Workbook by John J. Liptak, EdD and Ester Leutenberg.

I’m back!

I am back in the office after a month-long sabbatical for elective surgery. I seem to be here with all the necessary components…mind, body, spirit. Recovery is a great time to open your mind to new things.  Everyone’s healing and learning curve will be different, of course. These are the highlights of my experience.

1.  Guided imagery works. It really helped settle my nerves and kept me from being incredibly annoyed that my surgery, scheduled for 11:20 a.m. didn’t happen until 4:00 p.m. Without some soothing mental trips to the north woods I would have been out of the bed and down the hall making hurry-up noises to folks who couldn’t do anything about the problem but will be caring for me as needed. Taking myself on a mental journey to a peaceful campsite removed the sounds and smells of the pre-op holding area and let in the tangy smell of a wood fire and ‘smores. A  far more effective use of my energy.

2.  If you approach a bad situation with humor instead of anger you won’t be as stressed, the people helping you won’t get as snippy, and what has to be done gets done more quickly. Much research has been done about humor and healing. Here are three of my favorite conclusions:

Laughter dissolves distressing emotions. You can’t feel anxious, angry, or sad when you’re laughing.
Laughter helps you relax and recharge. It reduces stress and increases energy, enabling you to stay focused and accomplish more.
Humor shifts perspective, allowing you to see situations in a more realistic, less threatening light. A humorous perspective creates psychological distance, which can help you avoid feeling overwhelmed.

From http://www.helpguide.org/articles/emotional-health/laughter-is-the-best-medicine.htm on August 31, 2015.

3.  Just wishing does not restore your energy level to that of a 18 year-old. I was discouraged until I remembered it was up to me to take responsibility for building up my energy. I chatted with my medical provider and devised a plan that works for me. Then I implemented it and found that, low and behold, my energy level was increasing. Anyone else remember Chicken Fat, the exercise routine mailed to every school in the nation way back when Kennedy was president?

4.  Going to coach football with your third and fourth grade team on a hot and very humid day is not a good way to test your resilience. It felt great to reconnect with my players
and the other two coaches. Thank goodness I had enough sense to bring tons of water and to admit that I needed to sit down every once in a while. Next week I plan to wear more appropriate clothing (it is frequently hot and humid in Minnesota during August) and try not to run up and down the field every time they get the ball.

So, what have I learned?  Use guided imagery when you need to step away from stress; laugh often, particularly at yourself; step up and take responsibility to restore your energy to pre-surgical levels (or to increase your energy at any time); and don’t let wishful thinking push you to do too much too soon.

Keeping checking our blog. We will be posting one or two new articles a week.

Does the Stigma of Mental Illness Still Exist?

Surely, one would think, the stigma of mental illness no longer exists. Old, scary mental hospitals are crumbling ruins. Those who suffer from mental illness are protected by laws to free them from discrimination in the work place and in housing.

What is a stigma anyway? The website founded by Glenn Close, Bring Change 2 Mind says this: “Stigma is broadly defined as a collection of adverse and unfair beliefs.  The stigma around mental health most often leads to the inaccurate and hurtful objectification of people as dangerous and incompetent.  The shame and isolation associated with stigma prevent people from seeking the help necessary to live healthy and full lives.”  (Retrieved 8/3/15 from http://bringchange2mind.org.) Awards are given to honor those who work to bring about change, such as the 20th annual Erasing the Stigma Leadership Awards are on Thursday, April 28, 2016 at the Beverly Hilton’s International Ballroom in Beverly Hills, California. Click here to read about this year’s winners. 

Here is an article taken from Bring Change 2 Mind that has a very important message:

Bring Change 2 Mind, in partnership with Brandon Marshall’s Project 375, launched#StrongerThanStigma to raise awareness around the unique challenges that men face when discussing mental health, to encourage open dialogue, and to promote help seeking behavior.

#StrongerThanStigma features four inspirational male figures from professional sports leagues, television, and the music industry who have each made mental health advocacy a part of their platform.  These headliners are Brandon Marshall, NFL All-Pro wide receiver for the New York Jets; Ben Scrivens, NHL goalie for the Edmonton Oilers; Michael Angelakos, lead singer of indietronica band Passion Pit; and Wayne Brady, comedian and actor.  Each man either lives with a mental health diagnosis or has chosen to serve as an empathetic advocate, and shares his story and encourages men to start the conversation and end the stigma.

Over the past thirty years, the rate of suicide among men has been three to four times that of women.  Traditionally, however, men have shied away from talking about their feelings as it is viewed as negative and weak.  In addition to a reluctance to seek help, men have higher levels of isolation, and of drug and alcohol misuse; are at a greater risk for homelessness; display more externalized and destructive behaviors; and are more involved with the criminal justice system.

Retrieved on 8/3/15 from http://bringchange2mind.org/about-us/psas/.

What else can be done to erase the stigma of mental health? Click here to read about what teenagers in California are doing.  With their organization called “LETS” for Let’s erase the stigma they are working with school age folks to who choose to talk about mental illness.

Melissa Thomson of the Huffington Post reminds us of this important fact: “Look to your left. Look to your right. Look behind you. Look in front of you. One of the people you just saw has been diagnosed with a mental illness.” We all know folks with mental illness whether we know it or not. Actors, newscasters, mailmen, doctors, housewives, teachers, Wall Street tycoons, anyone can have mental illness. Most everyone can learn to manage it well.

Join the fight. Speak up when you hear someone belittling someone who is “just plain crazy”. If people tell jokes about the mentally ill, stand up and say that’s not OK. If you see someone with mental illness being bullied step in and stop it. Do what’s right…it feels great. If we all work together we can erase the stigma!

Guided Imagery Takes the Heat Away

My grandson playing hockey on a cold day. Note the snow bank behind him.

Those of us who live up here in the Great White North are pretty good at bundling up and getting out and about even if it is the third week of below zero temperatures. Sometimes I remind myself of Randy in A Christmas Story who can’t move his arms because his mother has
him so bundled up to stay warm on his walk to school. Our kids go outside to play. I remember a hockey game outside almost on the Canadian border when we had to heat the kids skates up with hair dryers in between periods because it was way below zero on the outdoor rink where they were playing. We are a tough bunch up here.

However, it has been hot up here in the far north. Not just hot, but humid. We don’t do so well dealing with the heat. All week I’ve felt as though I was breathing through a hot, wet cloth. We live on the shores of Lake Superior, the largest fresh water body in the United States and, in some categories, in the world. We are accustomed to the breeze off the lake being our air conditioner—many folks rely only on fans when it gets truly hot. Many have no central or even window air conditioning. Most of us have appropriate summer clothing, you know, jeans and a long sleeve cotton shirt. Not at all suitable for 80⁰ in the shade with the humidity at 80%.

Nothing is more futile than trying to get something done when you’re really, really, uncomfortable. I didn’t find any relief at all until I decided to try guided imagery. I’ve always been a proponent of imagery, but usually could rely on my imagination to conjure up images that were relaxing, particularly to me. For example, I would think of being in a room with all my family around (4 kids, 4 spouses, 16 grandchildren) and I’d imagine I was sitting to one side with my eyes closed, listening to them all chat and laugh together. That might not be everyone’s cup-of-tea but it worked like magic for me. Instead, I decided to listen to a guided imagery CD. I chose City Park, a relaxing pause in the bustle of city life. Not all that different from imagining I was with my family. As I listened I found the heat and misery of the day faded away. The air felt clear. I felt calm and at peace. It was amazing! I heartily recommend guided imagery for those suffering with the heat and stress of summer.

Click here to access Whole Person Associates extensive collection of guided imagery. Listen to a snippet and choose what you think will work the best for you. Don’t be distressed if it doesn’t work perfectly the first time. Relaxation is a muscle response, just like shooting a basket or playing scales on the piano. After a week or so you’ll find yourself lifted away from daily chores and all the things that pull at us to a place of cool, comfortable peace!

For those of us fortunate to live in the northern reaches of our country, we could just wait. Soon blizzards will blow, snow will pile up, cars will get stuck, furnaces blast away the cold and our guided imagery will turn to warm beaches and sun-filled summer fun.

Does Improv really help in the workplace?

Izzy Gesell

By Izzy Gesell

How much relevance do Improv Theater techniques have to our daily professional and personal lives? Whether you are a teacher, coach, corporate executive, sales representative, stay-at-home mom, blue-collar worker or professional speaker, you will find Improv to be intuitive, fascinating and immediately applicable to what you face on a day-to-day basis. This blog is directed toward individuals who desire to become more confident, playful, spontaneous, and effective.

People Assess Your Value/Reputation Based on How Your Actions Impact Their Emotions.

Early on in my programs, I invite a volunteer to come up and learn an Improv game.  Generally, there are very few takers.  I then ask for some of the folks who hadn’t volunteered to share what thinking they went through that kept their hands from going up.  The reasons are many.  Among the most common answers are: “I don’t want to look foolish,” “I don’t know what the game is about”, “I don’t like to be first”, and “I was taught never to volunteer.”

Eventually, someone does volunteer.  As the

person comes up, I ask the people sitting in the audience how they feel now that someone had volunteered.  Most of the comments are about much relief was felt, how relaxed they now were able to be, and how grateful they were to the volunteer for stepping up.  In other words, the person who stepped up had the power, through his or her action, to transform the emotional climate for the whole group.  The volunteer thereby gains a very high status in the group.  A status gained not by a conscious effort to be liked, but by a desire to volunteer to play for whatever personal reason.  And the entire group took note!

IMPROV TECHNIQUE TO PRACTICE: Trying to figure out what’s right or best or most creative or most helpful or most controlling is futile in Improv.  The only way through is to be spontaneous, authentic and expeditious in your actions.  Make your statements or actions flow from what you want to do.  Whenever you notice yourself attempting to figure out what someone else needs or desires, bring your focus back to what you want or need to do.

HERE’S WHY IT WORKS: In life, once you know that others are watching you and judging you based on their own feelings, you realize you may as well act on your own beliefs and desires.  Do what you want to do and how you want to do it.  There is a saying that “nature knows neither right nor wrong, only consequences”.

Since it is futile to try and figure out how to please all others or what they are expecting, you may as well do what you believe is right.  If you fail, at least you fail with your own truth. Living your own truth is the simplest way to being authentic in your life.

IMPROV GAME TO PLAY:   “What Are You Doing?”

Players learn to focus on what is actually happening rather than what is being said.

Goals:

• Use improv to separate action from discussion.
• Use improv to allow mind and body to operate separately.

Group Size: 2 players at a time.

Time: 5 to 10 minutes

Process:

1. Introduce the goals of the exercise to participants. Select two players from the group and bring them to the stage.
2. Describe the game as a combination of contradictory words and actions.
3. Determine who will be Player 1 and who will be Players 2. Provide the following instructions to the two players:Player 1 will mimic a physical action, such as writing a letter, while Player 2 asks, “What are you doing?” Player 2 responds by naming some other activity, such as “I’m washing the car.” Player 2 then acts out washing a car. Let’s begin.
   • Player 1 begins to pantomime a physical action, such as bouncing a ball.
   • Player 2, after Player 1 starts the action, say “What are you doing?”
   • Player 1, continues the action but answers the question by naming an activity different from what you are actually doing. For example, “I’m brushing my teeth.”
   • Player 2, immediately begin miming the action Player 1 stated, not the activity Player 1 is doing. In this case, begin brushing your teeth.
   • Player 1, it is now your turn to ask, “What are you doing?”
   • Player 2 responds with something other than “brushing my teeth” such as “I’m digging a ditch.”
   • Player 1, act out digging a ditch as Player 2 asks, “What are you doing?”
   • Player 1, answer with an activity other than digging a ditch, such as, “I’m reading a book.”
4. The objective is to answer smoothly and without hesitation. The round continues until one player takes too long to answer, stutters, or otherwise flubs a response, answers with the actual activity being pantomimed, or repeats and answer.
5. The audience will determine when a player is removed by an agreed upon method such as shouting “out”.
6. A player who is “out” leaves the stage and is quickly replaced by another volunteer player.
7. The player who remains becomes Player 1 and starts a new action.
8. Quick responses are necessary. The secret to success is to separate thought from action. You can act by just moving a body part. A tongue wiggle or a hand twitch is fine. Remember, you don’t have to explain what it is. To answer the question, “What are you doing?” look around the room (I’m sitting in a chair; I’m holding a pencil; I’m writing on a flip chart) or think about something in your past (I’m getting my diploma; I’m proposing marriage.)
9. After a predetermined time limit is reached, reconvene the group and lead a closing discussion using the following questions:
   • What made this game fun?
   • What made it easy for you to volunteer?
   • What made it difficult for you to volunteer?
   • What happens in an organization or relationship when what is said is not in alignment with what is being done?

Variation:

The game can be played with a group arranged in a circle or line. Player 1 starts the action, and Player 2 asks, “What are you doing?” Player 1 responds. Player 2 turns to Player 3 and acts out Player 1’s response. Player 3 asks, “What are you doing?” and so on until everyone has had a chance or time is up.

Go here for a printable version of “What are you doing?”

Click here to learn more about Izzy Gesell.