Tag Archives: coping

Difficult People: How to Deal with Them

Types of Difficult People and How to Deal with Them

Excerpted from Coping with Difficult People
By Ester R.A. Leutenberg and John J. Liptak, PhD

Coping with Difficult PeopleDifficult people are everywhere. Difficult people are those who frustrate us to no end. (In fact, others may view each of us as a difficult person.) We encounter difficult people at home, in the workplace, school, grocery market, anywhere. Often how much they affect us depends on our self-esteem, ability to recognize “hot buttons” and effectiveness of communication skills. Although one meets many different varieties of difficult people, we have suggested six types that seem to be the most common. These difficult people will have some or all of the following traits:

WHINERS are people who find fault in others and everything they do, blame others for what happens in their lives, and know for certain what should be done but rarely work to improve or correct a situation. They whine in a high-pitched tone, cry and grumble to complain about problems rather than working to fix them or find solutions for them. They are often able to see problems that need solutions, but choose to complain about the problems rather than working to solve them.

KNOW-IT-ALLS are people who think that they know more than everyone else. They believe they have more knowledge and expertise and have all of the answers, and they know they are always right. They do not like to be corrected and will often be impatient, defensive, defiant and sarcastic with people who disagree with them, or they shut down or argue without reason. They feel they are experts on all subjects, behave arrogantly and take exception to anything said to them.

AGGRESSIVE PEOPLE are often angry, impatient and explosive. They use strength, coercion, force, and power to make their point. They often intimidate others into agreeing with them or giving up their point of view. They are critical of people who do not agree with them, and they use ridicule, belligerence, accusations, and verbal, emotional, and/or physical abuse as a way of putting people down. People who interact with them feel a need to be cautious (as if they are walking on eggshells.)

PASSIVE PEOPLE are hard to understand and hard to get to know. They are usually shy, quiet and reserved; they simply want to blend in and not be noticed. They rarely share their opinions or assert themselves to get their views across. They do not talk or share a lot and do not feel the need to respond to questions, especially personal ones. They often appear aloof and detached.

NEGATIVE PEOPLE are usually pessimistic people who will always say such things as “that will never work” and “we have tried that in the past.” They are skeptical that anything will turn out right or be right. They drag others down and make everyone’s environment as negative and as pessimistic as they are. They are unable to see the positive in anything and will always believe that things will not work out.

YES-PEOPLE are super pleasant and agreeable. They usually promise something that they cannot deliver. They seek approval and are afraid to say no to other people, especially the important people in their lives. They say what people want to hear and will agree with each person’s opposing views or opinions.

Here is a model that you can use to build positive relationships with difficult people.

In this model, participants can deal effectively with difficult people in their lives by following a few critical steps including:

  1. Identify the person’s personality type and what makes the person so difficult for others to handle.
  2. Learn and utilize critical communication and listening skills to build a positive relationship.
  3. Cope effectively with the person.
  4. Learn skills to respond effectively and/or to confront the person.

Sounds simple. Now for some tools to help.

 

Interacting with Whiners
Don’t . . .

 

•       agree with the person’s complaints

•       get defensive

•       counter-attack

•       say “You’re such a whiner”

•       be tough on the person if it’s not their usual style

•       be sarcastic (“poor poor you”)

 

Do . . .

 

•       listen attentively

•       ask clarifying questions for precise information

•       ask “how could it be better?”

•       create a problem-solving scenario: “What if…”

•       be supportive

•       kindly point out the person whining when he/she might not realize it

•       listen for a bit and then try to solve the problem with the person

 

 

Interacting with Know-It-Alls
Don’t . . .

 

•       attack the person’s ideas

•       put yourself or your ideas down

•       ask the person cite their source debate

•       think the person doesn’t know a lot –they might!

•       try to make the person look bad

 

Do . . .

 

•       listen attentively

•       respect the person

•       paraphrase the person’s points

•       suggest alternatives to the person’s viewpoint

•       remain neutral throughout your conversations

•       keep your humor

 

 

Interacting with Aggressive People
Don’t . . .

 

•       argue

•       retaliate

•       escalate the hostility

•       fight against the person

•       try to win the argument

•       take the behavior personally

•       submit to their wishes

•       wait for them to run out of steam

 

Do . . .

 

•       divert attention, if possible

•       offer information that explains your situation

•       look for common interests and agreement

•       remain calm

•       acknowledge the person’s feelings

•       explain your feelings using “I” statements

•       set limits on violence and aggression

•       walk away if necessary

 

 

Interacting with Passive People
Don’t . . .

 

•       fill in the silence with conversation

•       exclude the person in activities

•       complete the person’s sentences

•       talk too much too soon

•       ask too many questions or appear nosey

•       exclude the person in conversations

•       assume the person is disinterested

 

Do . . .

 

•       ask open-ended questions

•       provide opportunity for the person to speak

•       wait in silence

•       be attentive

•       expect responses

•       find a topic the person has interest in

•       be playful, fun loving and friendly

 

 

Interacting with Negative People
Don’t . . .

 

•       agree with the complaints

•       get defensive

•       counter-attack

•       think it is a reflection on you

•       accept blame

•       spend more time with the person than you need

•       lose focus on your own energy and positivity

 

Do . . .

 

•       listen attentively

•       ask clarifying questions for precise information

•       ask “how could it be better?”

•       create a problem-solving scenario

•       be supportive

•       remain detached

•       say, “now tell be something positive”

 

 

Interacting with Yes-People
•       Don’t . . .

 

•       help them out by doing the work they agreed to do, and aren’t doing

•       get caught up in their need for approval

•       ask more of them than they can do, even if you know they’ll say yes

•       let them get you in the middle by saying yes to say yes to someone of a different opinion

•       give them praise when they say yes, again

 

•       Do . . .

 

•       help them turn down activities

•       be clear about priorities

•       show them ways to say no

•       if they do accept a task, help them create a timeline for completion

•       help them set boundaries

•       build a relationship and try to talk to them

•       make suggestions for alternatives

 

 

For each of these types of negative folks answer the following questions:

The person I know that behaves as a _____________________ is ______________. (It is suggested that you use code names that only you will recognize for this exercise.)

This person behaves_____________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________________________

My strategy for dealing with this person has been ____________________________________

______________________________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________________________

A better way I might deal with this person __________________________________________

______________________________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________________________

 

A downloadable version of the above is information is available here.

Children and Stress

Children and Stress: The Effects of Stress on Children

Excerpted from Children and Stress: A handbook for parents, teachers, and therapists 
By Marty Loy, PhD

A child’s age, personality, and coping skills affect how he or she will deal with stress and react to it. The type of stress, its duration, and its intensity will determine how taxing it is. Support from family and friends and, in some instances, teachers and professional counselors can—if available in sufficient amount and quality—enhance skills and help the child gain perspective. Some research suggests that stress in children has a synergistic rather than a cumulative effect, multiplying the negative effects of stress by as much as four times with each added stressor present in a child’s life.

Children and Stress: Short-term effects

One of the first indicators of stress in children is changes in behavior. Such changes may include anger, backtalk, fighting, hitting, bullying, teasing, and increased hostility toward siblings, family, or peers. Parents and teachers may notice communication problems, decreased concentration, compulsiveness, depression or general sadness, withdrawal, friendship problems, or resistance toward school attendance.

Stress can show immediate effects through a wide range of emotions. Some children become easily tearful, whiny, anxious, demanding, distrustful, fearful, and nervous. Some have mood swings or express feelings of being lonely or unloved. Physical symptoms may include complaints of upset stomach, headache, or sore throat. Episodes of vomiting, loss of appetite, or a frequent need to urinate may be observed. A variety of unusual physical behaviors such as fidgeting, stuttering, tremors, or shaking legs may arise from stress. Colds and other viral illnesses can be a sign of a stress weakened immune system.

When under stress, some older children revert to behaviors characteristic of younger children, such as baby talk, thumb-sucking, nose-picking, or wetting clothing. Stressed children may bite their nails or bite, twirl, pull or suck their hair. Parents should also be aware of changes in sleep behaviors such as insomnia, extended sleep periods, fear of the dark, bad dreams, or bed wetting; or changes in eating patterns such as increased or decreased consumption of food or an increased interest in junk food.

Overt signs of stress are also common and are sometimes described as “calls for help.” Examples include self-induced sickness or threats of suicide. Those affected with the good little girl syndrome do everything they are asked; on the opposite extreme, rebels may break all the rules or take part in high-risk behaviors, such as the use of drugs or alcohol, shoplifting, or skipping school.

Specific reactions are highly individual to the child. One might get a stomachache and cry, while another might become irritable and angry. Stress symptoms in some children happen immediately after the stressful event, while in others reactions may not show up for several days. Some children communicate their thoughts and feelings readily, while others have difficulty naming their feelings. They may use general terms or vague statements, such as “I’m worried,” or “I have butterflies in my stomach.” Some—typically younger children—may show anger only briefly while others—usually older—demonstrate longer-lasting effects, holding on to their feelings of anger, disillusionment, distrust, and low self-esteem for weeks, months, or even years.

Children and Stress: Long-term Effects

Recent research on childhood stress has contributed to a growing understanding of the long-term physical and emotional consequences of mismanaged stress. Stress can impair a child’s self-image, self-confidence, self-esteem, academic performance, and social skills. Stress also plays a role in a child’s tolerance and self-control. Childhood stress can increase long-term social anxiety and insecurity; it can contribute to substance abuse, suicidal ideation, and suicide.

Unidentified and untreated stress in children contributes to physical problems ranging from lowered immune function and migraine headaches to obesity, type II diabetes, respiratory-tract illness, asthma, and several psychiatric disorders, including depression, anxiety, chronic post-traumatic stress disorder, and developmental delays both physical and emotional.
Some evidence suggests that many long-term consequences persist well into adulthood. They may manifest themselves in a range of adult emotional and physical problems such as insecurity, low self-confidence, social anxieties, poor self-esteem, substance abuse, and depression. Stress may influence everything from physical health and memory to social competence, marital success, and academic and socioeconomic attainment.

Children can appear outwardly resilient to the immediate effects of stress but, if the timing of the stress is during a critical period of personality development, they can carry the long-term effects with them for the rest of their lives. Many studies link trauma and chronic stress with poor physical and mental health over the long-term.

Marty Loy

Author Marty Loy

Marty Loy PhD: Dr. Loy is professor of Health Promotion and is the Dean of Professional Studies at the University of Wisconsin Stevens Point. He teaches and publishes in the areas of stress management, learning, and childhood grief and loss. Marty won the University Excellence in Teaching Award in 2001. He currently serves as the President for the Board of Directors of the National Wellness Institute.

Marty and his wife, Becky Loy, founded Camp Hope, a camp for grieving children in 1986. Becky is the president and camp director. Camp Hope has served as a model for similar camps nationally. The Loys were one of three national recipients of the 2007 Champions of Children Award sponsored by Johnson & Johnson in recognition of their work with grieving children. Learn more about Camp Hope at www.camphopeforkids.org.

Marty, originally from Spring Green, earned his doctorate in education administration from the University of Wisconsin-Madison, a master’s in education counseling from UW-Oshkosh, and a bachelor’s from UW-Madison.

Real Friends: The Best Coping Technique for Stress

Sociologists are taking great notice of the shift in cultural dynamics as technology continues to invade our lives with increased intensity and regularity. While the benefits of SKYPE, text messaging, and photo updates on Facebook are entertaining at best and at times essential for communication, NOTHING replaces face-to-face contact. As was predicted by the authors of Megatrends over two decades ago, our society is fractured into various subgroups (well beyond red and blue states) with the vast majority of people often isolated behind a computer screen for hours if not days. In addition to the vast health implications of these cultural dynamics (poor eating habits, poor exercise habits, poor sleep habits, etc), are the real social needs of individuals who need real social contact and interactions. I write this because I feel it is important to take time to cultivate relationships with your friends. In stress management circles, this is known as social support groups and it is essential for optimal health. If there were ever to come a time when the whole Internet was to crash, many people might wonder how they could live their lives. The bottom line is that we need to cultivate our friendships each and every day… So consider doing so, because when all is said and done, it’s not about how many square feet your house is, where you took your last vacation, or the salary of your current job. It all comes down to the quality of our friends and family…and the time we spend with them.

By Brian Luke Seward, retrieved from his Newsletter, http://brianlukeseaward.net/spring_2012_newsletter.pdf

How we manage stress is passed on in families

What causes most depression: genetics or experiences?

A hint to the answer comes from the comparisons of depression and schizophrenia rates worldwide. Schizophrenia is found in approximately 1% of the population no matter the culture. Depression varies dramatically culture to culture suggesting it could be contagious.

Consider the following and see if you think depression is spreading:

  • The World Health Organization says depression is the fourth leading cause of human disability and projects by 2020 it’ll take over second place.
  • The average onset of depression is the mid-20s. It used to be the mid-30s.
  • According to clinical psychologist Michael Yapko, long-term studies show depression intensifying one generation to the next, “Today’s parents are the largest depressed group raising the fastest-growing group of depression sufferers.”
  • We’re four times more depressed than our parents; ten times more so than our grandparents! And this is not due to greater awareness of the illness.

Since depressed people experience far more difficulty socially than do those not depressed, could they be spreading the illness? They have:

  • More family and marital arguments;
  • Less relationship satisfaction;
  • Greater unhappiness;

Even though you can be genetically vulnerable to depression, the greater cause is learning, mostly from our families, how to manage what goes on inside our heads, including our:

  • Explanatory style (the meaning we attach to life experiences);
  • Cognitive style (thinking);
  • Coping style (how we manage stress);
  • Problem-solving style;
  • Relational style;

Families model their thinking, feeling, and relating to others, passing on these patterns to other family members.

Yapko also reports a near-perfect correlation between parents’ explanatory style and their child’s. When your child asks you why something happened, your explanation represents your style of thinking including your belief of what caused it. “Why can’t I take tennis lessons, Mom?” “It’s a waste of money since you’ll never be coordinated.” Mom attributes the cause to the child’s clumsiness. And her permanently negative attribution communicates nothing will ever change.

Yapko says these routine interactions happen multiple times daily, imperceptibly shaping the child’s beliefs about himself and his world. They influence how he filters risk-taking, his own potential, whom he blames when things go wrong – and – his vulnerability to depression.

Additionally, the child who learns to make global assumptions that life events are beyond his control experiences greater helplessness and hopelessness, ingredients for depression. He’s more likely to perceive himself helpless about his happiness, competence and relationships.

Studies show these interpretation patterns are established early on. In one study, 8 year-old children were asked how they’d respond if shopping with their mother and suddenly finding themselves separated from her. The anxious children produced scary scenarios of never finding their parents and being adopted by strangers. The nonanxious kids said they’d ask the store manager to make a P-A announcement. Free of their peers’ anxiety, they’d think their way through to solving the problem.

Which patterns of perceiving are you teaching your kids?

Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., is an international speaker and a Stress and Wellness Coach. Order her book, Let Your Body Win: Stress Management Plain & Simple.

Coping with Change Workbook – Featured Product!

Coping with Change WorkbookFacilitator Reproducible Guided Self-Exploration Activities

In today’s society, many people find themselves living through multiple, extensive, often debilitating changes in their lives. Change manifests itself in many facets of a person’s life including: workplace, health, home and family, and social network.

Although change has always been a part of the lives of human beings, the rate of this change is increasing exponentially, increasing the stress in people’s lives. Change is not going to stop, and must be managed carefully to avoid elevated stress levels to continue over extended periods of time. The ability to cope with change is rapidly becoming a critical life skill that can be the difference between living a life of success or one of disappointment.

The Coping with Change Workbook contains assessments and guided self-exploration activities that can be used with a variety of populations to help participants cope more effectively with the various forms of change. Each chapter of this workbook begins with an annotated Table of Contents with notes and examples for the facilitator. Each chapter contains two primary elements:

1. A set of assessments to help participants gather information about themselves in a focused situation, and
2. A set of guided self-exploration activities to help participants process information and learn more effective ways of behaving to cope with anxiety in their lives.

The activities are divided into four chapters to help you identify and select assessments easily and quickly:

Chapter 1: Types of Change helps participants identify and explore the changes that are currently occurring in their lives, as well as identify and explore the changes they anticipate in the future.
Chapter 2: Change Management helps participants identify the life skills they possess in managing the change in their lives.
Chapter 3: Ways to Cope with Change helps participants explore how well they are coping with change in their lives, and learn some techniques for enhancing their ability to cope with change.
Chapter 4: My Attitude helps participants explore their attitudes related to future change in their lives.

All of the guided activates are fully reproducible for use with your clients/participants.

Coping 101

Coping skills for distress are different for all of us. They seem to come naturally, but at one point and time, each coping skill was new and different. You found it effective, so you kept doing it until it became second nature to you. Stress reducers are healthy, but some of our coping skills come at a price that makes them unhealthy. The economics of coping are simple. Some skills work, but come at a price, such as drinking. It may help you forget your troubles, but can cost headaches, embarrassment, loss of productivity, irritation, or even organ damage. Screaming, taking a bath, or yelling are also solutions people use, but these are instant-gratification fixes; they work fast but don’t last long. Low-cost, high-yielding coping skills are things such as talking with a friend or exercising.

You may find not all coping skills work for you, or that they don’t work after time. If you’re reading this, sucking your thumb won’t make you feel better anymore. Also, not all coping habits are helpful in all situations. If you cope by sleeping, then it won’t help when you shut down in the middle of a crisis. It’s hard to let go of old, comforting skills; but you can change them if you want to. First, decide to do it! Then take it one step at a time and make your new skills as natural as cuddling a blankie was when you were a child.

  • What kind of skills would you like to try?
  • Do you have unhealthy coping skills?
  • What skills would you like to phase out?

Negative Coping Skills

Negative Coping Skills
From Kicking Your Stress Habits
By Donald A. Tubesing, PhD, MDiv

How do you handle stress? The different ways we tackle stress are called coping skills. There are two kinds of these skills. Positive skills are ones that energize you, like exercising or laughing with a friend. The other set are negative skills that leave you feeling worse, like drinking or ignoring your stress.

Say you react to stress by turning a blind eye to it. You will end up drained from all the effort you’re putting into ignoring your stress. This only makes you feel worse, leaving you with even less energy. See the pattern? You have less energy and you still haven’t solved your problem. The drained feeling you get from stress can lead to illness—up to 90% are caused by stress alone! Can you imagine being sick 90% less? Consistent stress can cause peptic ulcers, chronic headaches, anxiety, high blood pressure, and even heart disease. Thinking about that alone is downright stressful!  On the other hand, if you choose a positive coping skill, you will regain energy rather than just spending it. Then you have more energy to put into things you enjoy, which will help you relax even more. This is also a pattern, but an infinitely better one.

  • What kind of coping skills do you have?
  • Are they positive or negative?
  • Have they changed over the years?

~For more information on this subject, click here.

Kicking Your Stress Habits Cover