Tag Archives: women

Just for Laffs: Summer Separates the Boys from the Girls

Leigh Anne JashewayI was at a garage sale one afternoon last weekend when a man who looked to be in his eighties noticed a very large weed wacker near the door.

“That for sale?” he asked as he rushed over to it as fast as his cane would let him.

“Yep. We’re asking $5,” the woman answered with that I hope he’s not just toying with me tone that every garage sale organizer gets as the day wears on and it becomes clear than all that stuff, including the treadmill and the giant moose with blue eye shadow, is going to have to be packed up and dragged inside again.

“Sold,” the man said under his breath, hoping to transact the deal before his wife noticed. No such luck. A curly-haired sprite of a woman left the Jane Fonda videotapes she’d been perusing and appeared at his side in a flash, her tiny fists balled up on her hips.

“Bob, you can’t even lift that thing. Besides, we don’t have weeds in our apartment at Ya-Po-Ah Terrace.”

“I know, Bonnie. But it’s got three horses. Three! For $5. That’s a steal.”

Later that same day, I was at the mall with a friend when I overheard two women in the dressing room talking.

“I read that Jennifer Hudson went from a size 16 to a 6. If she can do that, I bet by July 4th weekend I’ll be skinny enough to get into this size 12 sundress! Only fifteen more pounds and I’m so there!”

“Me too! Look out world; soon there will be less of us to love!”

To me, these to stories capture how men and women’s experiences of summer differ: for the guys it’s all about bigger, faster, and louder, while most women try to become smaller and less conspicuous. It’s Godzilla versus The Shrinking Woman.

Here’s another case in point: while walking my dogs recently, a man waved to us from atop his riding lawnmower. He said something too, but the roar of the suburban tractor drowned it out. Perhaps what he said was “I know my lawn is only the size of a postage stamp and I have to back this mower into the street to turn it around, but I AM KING OF THE WORLD!”

I can see how a riding lawn mower would be a great idea for someone with several acres of grass, but I can’t for the life of me think of why guys need one to trim the two dandelions that have sprouted in the driveway cracks. I have more carpet than he has lawn, yet I have never lain awake at night wishing someone would invent a riding vacuum cleaner with an onboard chocolate dispenser. Of course, the testosterone coursing through my veins wouldn’t fill up a pink Hello Kitty thimble, so what do I know?

Speaking of bigger and louder, that definitely applies to fireworks. Don’t get me wrong – I love a beautiful fireworks show such as the one at AltonBakerParkon July 4th, with each explosion timed to the 1812 Overture or Lady Gaga’s Poker Face (that’s right, I’m up-to-date on my musical references, thanks to Glee). But the guys can never get enough of things that go boom in the night. I once had a neighbor who stuck leftover firecrackers under his weeds in an attempt to blow them sky high. He was happy with the result too, despite the fact that he ended up singeing off most of his eyebrows. Most women are happy to settle for pretty – and quiet – sparklers and leave our eyebrow maintenance to the professionals.

Of course, women’s summertime pursuit of trying to achieve the impossible is just as dangerous. I’m totally onboard with staying fit and healthy, but most of us can do that in the average-sized body we’re meant to have. My personal feeling is that zero is an imaginary number and if you diet and exercise your way there, you’ll disappear. I like there to be enough of me to cause a commotion or at least hold up my sparkler.

While the guys are blowing things up and marveling at how much horsepower their new riding BBQ has (laugh now, but you know it’s only a matter of time), many women are turning down potato salad and popsicles because they have too many calories, and don’t even get us started on the trans fats!

As much as the men’s toys may annoy us, we women would do well to take a page from their handbook (they’re not reading it anyway, because as well all know, men don’t need instructions). Let’s spend more time this summer focusing on all the power we have under our hood and not on the size of our chassis.

© 2012 Leigh Anne Jasheway

Horoscopes for Stressed Out Women

What’s in the stars for stressed out women
By Leigh Anne Jasheway

You know you’re a stressed out woman if your inner child wants to be adopted by someone with more time to play.  If you get so anxious driving carpool that there are teeth marks on your steering wheel.  If your favorite pizza topping is antacid tablets.

If you have any of these symptoms, read on – these horoscopes are just for you.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19) – You’re always a hard worker, but lately you’ve been overdoing it.  Now is the time to put aside your to-do list and take a nice deep breath.  But not so deep you inhale the kitty litter from across the room.

Aquarius (January 20-February 18) –Free-spirited Aquarius, you get stressed out by taking on too many projects and need to learn how to say NO.  Ask a three-year old, they’re usually very good at the word.  If you’re a single Aquarian, it wouldn’t be a bad idea to start dating a massage therapist.

Pisces (February 19-March 20) – Are you looking for a great way to relax at the office?  Why not get a fish tank, dear Pisces, and let your worries float away?   The good thing about fish is that they never need to be driven to soccer practice or a ballet recital, so don’t even think about buying tiny waterproof cleats or tutus!

Aries (March 21-April 19) – You have to admit that you are often moody and impatient.  “Am not!”  “Are too!”  A great way for you to maintain a more even emotional keel is through aromatherapy.  Buy yourself some candles to set the mood you’d like to be in for the day, but resist your impulse to buy two opposing scents such as “Relaxed” and “Perky.”

Taurus (April 20-May 20) – Your tendency to get over-anxious in public can lead to trouble, like that time you bit off the fingernail’s of the woman sitting next to you on that long flight across country.  Try visualizing something that makes you feel peaceful inside – for example, an imaginary maid who leaves your house spotless every week without you lifting a finger.

Gemini (May 21-June 20) – Despite your pride in your ability to multi-task, there are some things you should never do at the same time.  Like meditating with your eyes closed while driving home from work.  Or preparing your taxes while taking a bubble bath.  However, since you are also psychic and intuitive, I really didn’t have to tell you any of this, did I?

Cancer (June 21-July 23) – A yoga class would be a great idea right about now, but be sure to stretch out first – you have been kind of tense lately and don’t want to get stuck in the lotus position and have to call the paramedics to bring the Jaws of Life to get you out.

Leo (July 24-August 22) – You pride yourself on your intelligence, so why not put your stress in check by checking out one of the latest books on the subject?  You can’t go wrong with What Color is My Blood Pressure; Men are from Mars, Women Have to Clean it Up; or Chicken Soup Someone Else Made Always Tastes Better.

Virgo (August 23-September 22) – Your desire to take care of others is admirable, but please stop going into your neighbor’s house when they are away and dusting.  It just adds one more thing to your list; well, two, if you count dealing with the police after you set off their alarm.  Re-channel your energy into exercise.  And no, twitching doesn’t count as exercise.

Libra (September 23-October 22) – Let’s face it, you’re too darned busy.  It’s okay to use press-on nails, but press-on clothes?  That’s a little too much.  And aren’t you tired of eating your Lean Cuisine™ frozen?  Take a few things off your to-do list and enjoy your life.  Maybe you’ll even find time to pull your pantyhose all the way up before you leave for work in the morning.

Scorpio (October 23-November 21) – Your coffee habit isn’t healthy.  Especially now that you’ve taken to chewing used coffee grounds for your afternoon pick-me-up.  Try water instead.  You’ll be less jittery and your pupils may return to their original size.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21) – You’ve got to slow down.  Is it really necessary to fast-forward through those sounds of nature tapes you bought to relax to?  Maybe it’s time for a vacation:  sand, surf, sun anyone?  And try not to run any marathons while you’re away.

Read more about Leigh Anne Jasheway. 

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