Horoscopes for Stressed Out Women

What’s in the stars for stressed out women
By Leigh Anne Jasheway

You know you’re a stressed out woman if your inner child wants to be adopted by someone with more time to play.  If you get so anxious driving carpool that there are teeth marks on your steering wheel.  If your favorite pizza topping is antacid tablets.

If you have any of these symptoms, read on – these horoscopes are just for you.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19) – You’re always a hard worker, but lately you’ve been overdoing it.  Now is the time to put aside your to-do list and take a nice deep breath.  But not so deep you inhale the kitty litter from across the room.

Aquarius (January 20-February 18) –Free-spirited Aquarius, you get stressed out by taking on too many projects and need to learn how to say NO.  Ask a three-year old, they’re usually very good at the word.  If you’re a single Aquarian, it wouldn’t be a bad idea to start dating a massage therapist.

Pisces (February 19-March 20) – Are you looking for a great way to relax at the office?  Why not get a fish tank, dear Pisces, and let your worries float away?   The good thing about fish is that they never need to be driven to soccer practice or a ballet recital, so don’t even think about buying tiny waterproof cleats or tutus!

Aries (March 21-April 19) – You have to admit that you are often moody and impatient.  “Am not!”  “Are too!”  A great way for you to maintain a more even emotional keel is through aromatherapy.  Buy yourself some candles to set the mood you’d like to be in for the day, but resist your impulse to buy two opposing scents such as “Relaxed” and “Perky.”

Taurus (April 20-May 20) – Your tendency to get over-anxious in public can lead to trouble, like that time you bit off the fingernail’s of the woman sitting next to you on that long flight across country.  Try visualizing something that makes you feel peaceful inside – for example, an imaginary maid who leaves your house spotless every week without you lifting a finger.

Gemini (May 21-June 20) – Despite your pride in your ability to multi-task, there are some things you should never do at the same time.  Like meditating with your eyes closed while driving home from work.  Or preparing your taxes while taking a bubble bath.  However, since you are also psychic and intuitive, I really didn’t have to tell you any of this, did I?

Cancer (June 21-July 23) – A yoga class would be a great idea right about now, but be sure to stretch out first – you have been kind of tense lately and don’t want to get stuck in the lotus position and have to call the paramedics to bring the Jaws of Life to get you out.

Leo (July 24-August 22) – You pride yourself on your intelligence, so why not put your stress in check by checking out one of the latest books on the subject?  You can’t go wrong with What Color is My Blood Pressure; Men are from Mars, Women Have to Clean it Up; or Chicken Soup Someone Else Made Always Tastes Better.

Virgo (August 23-September 22) – Your desire to take care of others is admirable, but please stop going into your neighbor’s house when they are away and dusting.  It just adds one more thing to your list; well, two, if you count dealing with the police after you set off their alarm.  Re-channel your energy into exercise.  And no, twitching doesn’t count as exercise.

Libra (September 23-October 22) – Let’s face it, you’re too darned busy.  It’s okay to use press-on nails, but press-on clothes?  That’s a little too much.  And aren’t you tired of eating your Lean Cuisine™ frozen?  Take a few things off your to-do list and enjoy your life.  Maybe you’ll even find time to pull your pantyhose all the way up before you leave for work in the morning.

Scorpio (October 23-November 21) – Your coffee habit isn’t healthy.  Especially now that you’ve taken to chewing used coffee grounds for your afternoon pick-me-up.  Try water instead.  You’ll be less jittery and your pupils may return to their original size.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21) – You’ve got to slow down.  Is it really necessary to fast-forward through those sounds of nature tapes you bought to relax to?  Maybe it’s time for a vacation:  sand, surf, sun anyone?  And try not to run any marathons while you’re away.

Read more about Leigh Anne Jasheway. 

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