Let go of need to control and you’ll let go of stress

Let Go of the Need to Control
By Jacquelyn Ferguson

Believing you have insufficient control is one definition of stress, like the office worker whose knuckle cracking colleague drives her nuts or the parent who becomes angry over the children’s messy rooms.

The employee blames her colleague for keeping her from concentrating thereby assumes he’s causing her stress. The paradox is that the bulk of her stress is her fixation on wanting him to stop his irritating habit.

We all tend to want to control those who bother us. But that’s our stress. Get it? Instead, for example, the parents must stop wasting their time wishing their kids were tidier and change their approach. They could impose logical consequences if their rooms remain messy, which is within the parents’ control.

Given this, then, control freaks must live highly stressful lives! They often attempt to control people and situations that are inherently beyond their control, thus the paradox.

But we’re all control freaks one degree to another. Like passive people who loathe taking the initiative and exercise their control by associating with those who are more than happy to take charge.

Who’s your control freak? Someone who tells you how to live your life or spend your money? These unwanted authorities can be irritating to those on the receiving end if not downright intimidating.

Could these control freaks be acting out their own fear of the unknown, as Pasadena psychologist Ryan Howes contends? Their unsolicited advice is an attempt to combat their feelings of powerlessness like not being able to prevent an accident if the driver does something wrong. Psychologist Steven Reiss of Ohio State University says, “The backseat driver is an individual who has a strong need to feel influence, and they’re always looking for ways to express that need.”

Where does this need for control come from? “If you grew up in an environment that was kind of chaotic, it’s almost a defensive sort of reaction,” says Jerry Burger, Santa Clara University social psychologist. “We’ve seen this in homes where a parent has an alcohol problem, for example – those children develop a need for control themselves.”

Other control freaks can trace their tendency to a specific, traumatizing life event, like mine: eye surgery at the tender age of 2 ½ after which I was tied to the crib 24 hours a day minus the 15 minutes of relief when my parents were allowed to visit. At some level of awareness I made an unconscious decision to never be out of control again!

Decades ago I worked very hard to diminish my need to control others. What helped was accepting and acknowledging what’s within my control and what’s beyond. Everything about everybody – their personalities, tendencies, habits – are beyond my control. If I want a different outcome with someone I must change my approach. For example, I could assertively ask the person to change. Or I could tolerate what they’re doing. But if my goal in changing me is to get them to change I’m still barking up a stressful tree; more on this next week.

Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., is an international speaker and a Stress and Wellness Coach. Order her book, Let Your Body Win: Stress Management Plain & Simple.

Are You A Life-O-Sucter?

Life-O-Sucter???
by Leigh Anne Jasheway

Life-O-Sucter, it’s a new word for an old problem: someone who sucks the life out of everyone he or she comes in contact with every day. Unfortunately, just as  vampires can’t see themselves in the mirror, most Life-O-Sucters (abbreviated LLS) can’t see their own bad habits. Take this simple quiz to see if you’ve developed any of the symptoms and to learn what you can do to avoid turning into full-fledged LLS.

1.         If a friend tells you how bad her day has been, what is your usual reaction:
a.         You listen to her without judgment.
b.         You offer her a shoulder to cry on.
c.         You tell her how much worse your day was – in vivid gory detail.

If you answered “c,” you might be a Life-O-Sucter. LLS like all attention to be on them all the time, even in one-on-one interactions. It’s like they’re playing a game called “My Life Is Worse Than Yours!”  If someone has a bad day at work, the LLS has had a bad month or year at work; if someone has a fender bender on the way to the store, the LLS has a brush with death on the freeway. There’s no sob story a LLS can’t top.

If you find the words “You think that’s bad? Listen to this,” frequently fly from your mouth, you might as well get yourself a cape and fangs. Or you could change your behavior by making a list of alternative phrases to use in these situations. Phrases such as:
I’m so sorry this happened to you.
No wonder you’re (exhausted, frustrated, angry, etc.)
Is there anything I can do to help?

It won’t be easy to stop yourself from jumping in with all the horrible things that have ever happened to you, but if you keep using the list, you’ll find this monstrous habit will soon be defeated.

2.         Which of the following words apply to you:
a.         Drama Queen
b.         Hypochondriac
c.         High-maintenance
d.         None of the above

If you answered “a,” “b,” or “c,” you may be a Life-O-Sucter. Drama Queens, hypochondriacs, and high-maintenance people are all overly-involved in their own lives and can’t usually find the time to be a positive force for others. And if their lives aren’t dramatic enough, they create drama – for example, thinking every bump and bruise is cancer or every friend who’s late to lunch has either been killed on the way there or has dumped them.

One of the best ways to stop creating drama where there is none is to help someone else whose life really is rife with stress and drama. Volunteering with an organization like Habitat for Humanity, visiting kids with cancer in the hospital, or helping an illiterate adult learn to read will help convince you that your life is pretty good. And by helping others out, you put positive energy into the universe instead of negative.

3.       Compared to five years ago, do you have:
a.       More good friends.
b.      About the same number of good friends.
c.       Fewer good friends.

If you answered “C”, you may be a LLS. Eventually Life-O-Sucters lose their friends. Who really wants to stay in a friendship with someone who always one-ups you, never lets you have any attention, and whines more than a puppy left home alone for the first time?  Being friends with a Life-O-Sucter is like being friends with a leach – it’s exhausting, draining, and sooner or later you can’t wait to shake them off!

The best way to reach out to friends who’ve gotten fed up and moved on is to apologize and tell them you want to change your ways. Admit that you haven’t been the easiest person to have as a friend and ask for help to do a better job. Chances they’ll have plenty of advice; all you have to do is be humble enough to listen. To show you’re serious, bring a pencil and paper and take notes!
4.         When chatting with someone on the phone, do you usually:
a.         Hang up as soon as you’re done with what you have to say.
b.         Wait until the other person is finished talking before hanging up.
c.         Hang up at a mutually-agreed upon point in the conversation.

If you answered “a,” you may be a Life-O-Sucter. LLS think that when they’ve finished saying what they have to say, the conversation is over. If you’re always the first to hang up and people have actually asked you why you always slam the phone down in the middle of their sentences, ring-ring, it’s the Life-O-Sucter clue phone!

A visual reminder may be needed to change this bad habit. Print out the question, “What else is new with you” on a sheet of labels and apply one to each phone in the house (and your cell phone too, if there’s room!)  Tell yourself you’re not allowed to hang up on anyone without having asked the question at least once.

5.         When it comes to face-to-face interactions, phone conversations, or Instant Messaging, do you:
a.         Let other people do most of the talking.
b.         Hold up your half.
c.         Monopolize most of the time.

If you answered “c,” you may be a LLS. If the people around you are always starting thoughts, but never completing them, you either hang around with very forgetful people, or they never get a chance to finish what they start because you constantly interrupt them. Life-O-Sucters believe that whatever’s running through their head is more important than anything anyone else has to say.

The best way to stop this bad habit is to let your friends and relatives know you realize you have a problem and ask them to let you know when you’re interrupting them by using a unique code phrase like “Fuzzy bunny slippers” or “Brad Pitt.”  Anything that will get your attention and stop you mid-thought will work. And if you choose a fun phrase, it will help you keep a lighter perspective while you change.

6.         Do you usually see the glass:
a.         Half full.
b.         Half empty.
c.         Completely empty, dirty, and you have to wash it.

Again, “c” is the Life-O-Sucting answer. Choosing the most negative perspective on life (and it IS a choice) is one of the classic symptoms of being a Life-O-Sucter. If you’re always negative, the only way your relationships work is that other people are putting positive energy out there to feed you. Eventually, they just get exhausted.

Some people keep a gratitude journal to remind themselves of the good things in their lives. I recommend keeping a “Gratitude List” on your refrigerator, right next to the grocery list. Every time you think of something good in your life, jot it down on the fridge where you will see it every time you’re in the kitchen. Regular reminders that your life is good overall can help you overcome the negativity fiend.

7.         Look closely at your face in the mirror. Which do you have more of:
a.         Frown lines
b.         Laugh lines

If you answered “a,” you may be a LLS. Over the years, Life-O-Sucters tend to develop something I call Irritable Scowl Syndrome. You’ve seen it on people’s faces, maybe even your own. It’s that permanent look of annoyance and irritability right between the eyebrows. It’s no wonder Botox is so popular!

Changing this LLS symptom is relatively easy because you can fake a smile and it will boost your mood, no matter how you really feel.  Since it’s really hard to smile and frown at the same time, you get at two-for one bonus. And, not only will you feel better, but those around you will feel more positive when you’re around. Not bad for a Life-O-Sucter!

If you’ve noticed lately that people run screaming from the room when you come in or light torches and try to run you out of town, try a few of these tips. Because nobody vants to be a Life-O-Sucter!

Leigh Anne Jasheway-Bryant, M.P.H. has been helping people learn to use their funny bones, their smile muscles, and their optimism to have a better life for fourteen years. She is a nationally-recognized keynote speaker, author of fifteen books, and winner of the 2003 Erma Bombeck Humor Writing Award. Visit her website at www.accidentalcomic.com.

Don't get mad get funny

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Are you Playing With Me

Entitlements don’t come without responsibilities

Entitlements = Responsibilities
By Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S.

In the 1980’s two young people we knew had baffling work expectations. One, an office worker, was upset because she didn’t get a raise when a colleague did. The other, an electrician, became indignant when his boss, the owner of the business, dropped him off at a job but didn’t stay to do the work herself.

Does their sense of entitlement seem off-base to you?

Some say today’s Millenial generation has a too-strong sense of entitlement. An example is college counselors who cite struggling students blaming their professors for being boring; like boring instructors cause bad grades.

Having a sense of entitlement, often representing unrealistic expectations, manifests itself in many ways. Aggressive drivers feel entitled to intimidate you out of their way. Some hurricane survivors expect an immediate government rescue. Older siblings feel entitled to greater respect from younger ones. Some poor people feel entitled to unending benefits. Some affluent people expect the best opportunities. The list goes on and on.

What do you feel entitled to? Are your expectations realistic?

A sense of entitlement carries a serious risk: the possible shirking of personal responsibility. The office worker blames the boss for not giving her a raise versus wondering, “What are my options?” in securing a raise. The students could ask the same question about getting better grades.

Instead, all are focused on how the other person is interfering with them getting what they want. As I’ve stated many times before, wanting the other person to change increases the stress of a situation because the other person is always beyond your control.

What’s within your control is figuring out your options. The students could study more, get tutoring, figure out how to pay attention even when bored.

No doubt everyone has certain rights and entitlements but for each one we must also accept their inherent responsibilities. You have the right to be respected. Your responsibility is to behave in ways that earns others’ respect; being reliable, honorable, respectful of others, etc.

In the above examples which responsibilities are being ignored?
* The office employee had the responsibility to figure out what’s rewarded in her job and what isn’t. Did her attitude inhibit her from getting the additional responsibilities that would have justified a raise? Did her very sense of entitlement grate on her boss?
* The electrician had the responsibility to know what he was hired to do and to do it; to understand his job responsibilities versus his boss’s. Plus, he needed to accept that the owner of a business can do pretty much what she wants. It’s her company.
* The students need to figure out how to learn and pass. Period.

Too frequently in our rights-oriented society we demand our entitlements with little thought to their corresponding responsibilities. This almost always leads to more anxiety if we passively wait for what we want. To increase success and lower stress, it’s important to identify and pursue the options that are within your control that can lead you toward your realistic expectations.

Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., is an international speaker and a Stress and Wellness Coach. Order her book, Let Your Body Win: Stress Management Plain & Simple.

Beware of emotional autopilot

Are you on Emotional Autopilot?
By Jacquelyn Ferguson, MS

It’s easy to block out painful emotions and operate emotionally on autopilot. Addictive behavior may be a warning sign that this is occurring habitually. To notice some emotions they might have to become extreme. But mindfulness stress management can allow you to face your emotions and not feel like you have to run from them.

According to Ronald Alexander, Ph.D. and author of “Wise Mind, Open Mind: Finding Purpose and Meaning in Times of Crisis, Loss and Change” handling stress mindfully helps you to be less reactive focusing on the big picture of a stressor. When automatically reacting to stressors you’re reacting out of your unconscious, which is largely programmed from early childhood. In other words, automatic, defensive reactions tend to be coming from your inner child. You’re also probably focusing on the details of the situation.

Alexander says, “The key to dealing with stressful situations, especially for those who take things personally, is to develop a deeply grounded core rudder so that no matter what size of wave one encounters they can recover quickly and proceed with more focus.” To remain grounded he recommends developing “mindstrength” through mindfulness meditation practice. “Mindstrength is the ability to easily and quickly shift from a reactive mode to becoming fully present in the moment, experiencing the full force of your emotions even as you recognize that they are temporary and will soon dissipate.”

He says mindfulness practices affect your brain’s amygdala, the area responsible for regulating emotions. When the amygdala is relaxed, your stress response is more balanced. Your:
* Heart rate lowers;
* Breathing deepens and slows;
* Body stops releasing cortisol and adrenaline into the bloodstream, decreasing the potential damage chronic stress places on your body;

Over time, mindfulness meditation, Alexander says, “thickens the region of the brain responsible for optimism and a sense of well-being. This area is also associated with creativity and an increased sense of curiosity, as well as the ability to be reflective and observe how your mind works.”

When in stressful situations he encourages you to answer these questions, taking your pulse of the here and now:
What do I feel right now?
Do these feelings benefit me in any way? If I feel anxious and fearful, do these emotions lead me to insights, or do they cause conflict, hold me back, and distract or weaken me?
If what I’m experiencing is in response to another person’s behavior, what’s the evidence that that person’s actions have little or nothing to do with me and are, instead, the result of what’s going on inside his/her own mind?
Can I depersonalize the situation?
How can I nourish myself at this difficult time?

Finally, Alexander says, “Mindfulness meditation and other disciplines such as martial arts, tai chi, and yoga are excellent ways of quieting the rational mind and opening up to the intuitive mind and its link to the spiritual creative force. Through this connection you can build “mindstrength,” stop reactivity, and focus on the big picture.” (www.ronaldalexander.com)

Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., is an international speaker and a Stress and Wellness Coach. Order her book, Let Your Body Win: Stress Management Plain & Simple.

Are You in Love with Stress?

Stressed Out and Like It?
By Leigh Anne Jasheway

It’s tough not to be overstressed these days. With all the roles we play every day – parent, employee, caregiver, interior decorator, organizational expert, chauffeur, medical consultant, CEO of everything – it’s only logical that we’d feel overworked and overwhelmed most of the time.

Have you ever thought about the possibility that you might actually like being stressed out?  That in fact, you might get the same kind of giddy high from having too much to do that you get when you fall IN LOVE?  There’s a bumper sticker that would be funnier if it weren’t so true for so many of us: “Don’t tell me to relax – stress is the glue that holds my life together.”  If you’re measuring your value and purpose by a full calendar or the fact that your cell phone never stops ringing, you’ve formed an unhealthy love relationship with your stress. Take this quiz to see how in love you are with the stressors in your life.

1.         When it comes to multitasking, do you:
a.         Try to never do more than one or two things at a time.
b.         Juggle as much as you need to in order to make it through your day.
c.         Hope it becomes an Olympic event because you know you’re a shoo-in for
the gold medal.

2.         When you open your calendar, which of the following would make you feel best?
a.                   Lots of blank space.
b.                  A good balance of scheduled and unscheduled time.
c.                   So many scheduled activities you need a magnifying glass to be able to read what’s there.

3.         Speaking of blank space in your organizer, if you had a full day open, what
would be your first thought?
a.         I wonder if I have time to go to the gym.
b.         What have I forgotten?
c.         I’d better scribble something down in case anyone peeks inside so they’ll
see how busy I really am.

4.         When someone asks you to do something for them and you really are too busy, do
you:
a.                   Thank them for asking and turn them down nicely.
b.                  Agree to help out this once, but chide yourself for caving in.
c.                   Say “I’m really overbooked, but I’ll try to squeeze you in,” then make a point of showing them how crowded your calendar is.

5.         As you go through your day which of the following phrases is most likely to run
through your head?
a.         Wow, this is fun!
b.         Slow down, you move too fast!
c.         I feel the need for speed!

6.         When a friend or co-worker tells you how busy she is lately, what would be your
first response?
a.                   Helpfully suggesting she take some time off.
b.                  Saying you know how she feels.
c.                   One-upping her with anecdotes about your even-busier life.

7.         If you were stuck at the airport for an extra hour, would you be most likely to:
a.                   Enjoy a conversation with a stranger.
b.                  Call and check on the office, then if there’s time, your family.
c.                   Pull out your laptop and happily disappear into your own little world.

8.         When your kids see you at the end of the day, do they:
a.                   Excitedly tell you about their day.
b.                  Give you a few minutes to yourself.
c.                   Avoid you like you’re a low-fat snack food item.

9.         Which cartoon character best reflects your life?
a.         Sleeping Beauty – I know the importance of rest and rejuvenation.
b.         Snow White – I’d really like to delegate things to the dwarfs, but I usually
end up doing everything myself.
c.         The Tasmanian Devil – I’m more comfortable spinning around as fast as
possible.

10.       When you lie in bed at night right before falling asleep, do you:
a.         Give thanks for all the wonderful people and things in your life.
b.         Plan out your next day.
c.         Lie awake restlessly, looking forward to the next day so you can get back
to being busy again. After all, sleep is for sissies!

SCORING:  Give yourself one point for every “a” answer, two for every “b,” and three for every “c”.

1-10     You’ve got a healthy relationship with stress and busyness. You understand that there is more to life than increasing its speed and that your family doesn’t come with a rewind button.

11-20     Although you think you’ve got a handle on things, when the chips are down, you tend to “Just say yes” to stress. Follow some of the tips below to make sure you keep things under control.

21-30   You’re not just over-stressed, you’re in love with the feeling it gives you. Being crazy busy gives you a sense of power and makes you feel better than your friends, neighbors, and co-workers. But your body and mind (not to mention your family and friends) are probably already suffering the consequences of your choices. You should pay attention to every tip listed below to try to end your relationship stress.

Read about Leigh Anne Jasheway-Bryant!

Are you Playing With MeDon't get mad get funny

Ben Franklin Award Winner!

Welcome Them Home coverWelcome Them Home Help Them Heal Wins Prestigious Ben Franklin Award
By:  John Sippola, Chaplain, LTC, ret.

Welcome Them Home Help Them Heal: Pastoral Care and Ministry with Service Members Returning from War by John Sippola, Chaplain, LTC, ret., MDiv, Amy Blumenshine, MSW, MA, Donald A Tubesing, PhD, MDiv, and Valerie Yancey, PhD, RN has been named a winner in the 22nd annual Benjamin Franklin Awards ™ from IBPA, the Independent Book Publishers Association in recognition of excellence in independent publishing.

IBPA, the Independent Book Publishers Association, recently honored the best books in 50 categories at the Benjamin Franklin Awards™ in New York City on May 24, 2010, prior to the BookExpo America tradeshow. Welcome Them Home Help Them Heal won first place in the Religion category. Judged by a panel of book industry experts including buyers at wholesale and retail levels, librarians, book critics, design experts, and independent publishing consultants, these books have been scrutinized by individuals involved in the very markets in which the books are competing.

Welcome Them Home was written to equip the growing number of pastors, parish nurses, counselors, and caregivers in churches across the country to support and advocate for veterans and their loved ones. It expands the reader’s knowledge of how to provide physical, mental, and spiritual care for veterans and sparks a spirit of willingness and hope. A practical guide for ministering to veterans offering an understanding of the nature of the Iraq/Afghanistan wars, the challenges soldiers face when returning home, and the physical, psychological, and spiritual wounds of war. It defines the role of the church, discussing the basic principles for outreach, guidelines for creating a welcoming and safe environment, and presenting ideas for activating the healing rituals of the church year. It provides a wealth of resources: agencies that serve veterans, tips for making effective referrals, quick screening tools for PTSD, depression, and traumatic brain injury, and a comprehensive Wounds of War assessment. The Ben Franklin Award recognized that Welcome Them Home Help Them Heal was the most successful book in achieving its purpose and meeting its audience’s needs.

Named in honor of America’s cherished publisher and printer, the Benjamin Franklin Award recognizes excellence in independent publishing. Books are grouped by genre and are judged on editorial and design merit by top practitioners in each field. A panel of 150 judges from throughout the publishing industry weighed and evaluated close to 1,300 submissions in 50 categories to create the list of more than 150 finalists for the 2009 publishing year. Publishers large and small competed for the coveted Benjamin Franklin Awards.

IBPA, with more than 3,200 members, is the largest trade association representing independent publishers. Founded in 1983, its mission is to advance the professional interests of independent publishers

For more information, contact Carlene Sippola (800-247-6789) at Whole Person Associates. For a complete listing of finalists and to view the award winners in each of the 50 categories, check out the IBPA website at www.IBPA-online.org.

Welcome Them Home Help Them Heal:
Pastoral Care and Ministry with Service Members Returning from War

Written by: John Sippola, Chaplain, LTC, ret., MDiv; Amy Blumenshine, MSW, MA; Donald A Tubesing, PhD, MDiv; Valerie Yancey, PhD, RN
No. of pages: 112
Softcover:  Price $12.00
ISBN: 978-1-57025-246-4
Publication date: 2009

Click Here for more information.