{"id":53,"date":"2010-09-01T13:25:56","date_gmt":"2010-09-01T18:25:56","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/wholeperson.com\/wordpress\/?p=53"},"modified":"2015-11-30T10:23:03","modified_gmt":"2015-11-30T16:23:03","slug":"let-go-of-need-to-control-and-you%e2%80%99ll-let-go-of-stress","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/wholeperson.com\/blog\/let-go-of-need-to-control-and-you%e2%80%99ll-let-go-of-stress","title":{"rendered":"Let go of need to control and you\u2019ll let go of stress"},"content":{"rendered":"

Let Go of the Need to Control
\nBy Jacquelyn Ferguson<\/a><\/h2>\n

Believing you have insufficient control is one definition of stress, like the office worker whose knuckle cracking colleague drives her nuts or the parent who becomes angry over the children\u2019s messy rooms.<\/p>\n

The employee blames her colleague for keeping her from concentrating thereby assumes he\u2019s causing her stress. The paradox is that the bulk of her stress is her fixation on wanting him to stop his irritating habit.<\/p>\n

We all tend to want to control those who bother us. But that\u2019s our stress. Get it? Instead, for example, the parents must stop wasting their time wishing their kids were tidier and change their approach. They could impose logical consequences if their rooms remain messy, which is within the parents\u2019 control.<\/p>\n

Given this, then, control freaks must live highly stressful lives! They often attempt to control people and situations that are inherently beyond their control, thus the paradox.<\/p>\n

But we\u2019re all control freaks one degree to another. Like passive people who loathe taking the initiative and exercise their control by associating with those who are more than happy to take charge.<\/p>\n

Who\u2019s your control freak? Someone who tells you how to live your life or spend your money? These unwanted authorities can be irritating to those on the receiving end if not downright intimidating.<\/p>\n

Could these control freaks be acting out their own fear of the unknown, as Pasadena psychologist Ryan Howes contends? Their unsolicited advice is an attempt to combat their feelings of powerlessness like not being able to prevent an accident if the driver does something wrong. Psychologist Steven Reiss of Ohio State University says, \u201cThe backseat driver is an individual who has a strong need to feel influence, and they\u2019re always looking for ways to express that need.\u201d<\/p>\n

Where does this need for control come from? \u201cIf you grew up in an environment that was kind of chaotic, it\u2019s almost a defensive sort of reaction,\u201d says Jerry Burger, Santa Clara University social psychologist. \u201cWe\u2019ve seen this in homes where a parent has an alcohol problem, for example \u2013 those children develop a need for control themselves.\u201d<\/p>\n

Other control freaks can trace their tendency to a specific, traumatizing life event, like mine: eye surgery at the tender age of 2 \u00bd after which I was tied to the crib 24 hours a day minus the 15 minutes of relief when my parents were allowed to visit. At some level of awareness I made an unconscious decision to never be out of control again!<\/p>\n

Decades ago I worked very hard to diminish my need to control others. What helped was accepting and acknowledging what\u2019s within my control and what\u2019s beyond. Everything about everybody – their personalities, tendencies, habits \u2013 are beyond my control. If I want a different outcome with someone I must change my approach. For example, I could assertively ask the person to change. Or I could tolerate what they\u2019re doing. But if my goal in changing me is to get them to change I\u2019m still barking up a stressful tree; more on this next week.<\/p>\n

Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., is an international speaker and a Stress and Wellness Coach. Order her book, Let Your Body Win: Stress Management Plain & Simple.<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Let Go of the Need to Control By Jacquelyn Ferguson Believing you have insufficient control is one definition of stress, like the office worker whose knuckle cracking colleague drives her nuts or the parent who becomes angry over the children\u2019s messy rooms. 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