If you had a magic wand, and could build your ideal community, what would it look like? Clarifying who you consider your “people” will help you discover a deeper sense of belonging.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Picture\nthis scene: It\u2019s a warm, sunny day in a small\ncity or town. You are strolling by an outdoor caf\u00e9. The tables are full of\npeople sipping coffee and nibbling pastries. Some people are talking to one\nanother, but most are looking at their hand-held devices. Are they feeling\nconnected, or lonely? It\u2019s really hard\nto tell isn\u2019t it? And what about\nyou? Are you, as you walk by the caf\u00e9,\nfeeling a sense of belonging?<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Finding social connection today is a different process than it was even a decade ago. But the fact is, like our ancestors, we are social animals and in most cases experience a stronger sense of well-being when we travel in a group versus flying solo. So what does it mean to feel like you \u201cbelong\u201d in the digital age?\u00a0 <\/p>\n\n\n\n Technology is wonderful! I am\nafter all writing this article on my laptop, on a program that helps me catch\ntypos and make my points as clearly as possible. However, the pervasiveness of\ntechnology can trick us into thinking that we are physically evolving just as\nrapidly as our digital gadgets. We are much more than walking, talking,\nprocessing systems. Our nervous system is the same as our grandparents and our great-great\ngrandparents. This slow-to-evolve system that we all share needs to be cared\nfor and tended to with connection to community and the natural world. <\/p>\n\n\n\n You may be thinking, \u201cWell, I\u2019m an introvert,\u201d or \u201cI get enough time with my friends online.\u201d \u00a0But just imagine that you have zero connection to other humans and zero connection to nature. A bit unsettling, isn\u2019t it? Remembering that you are a social animal and part of the natural ecosystem will help you build motivation to stay connected. But we need more than this reminder. To build our ideal community we also need to feel safe in this ecosystem. <\/p>\n\n\n\n If\nyou are feeling stressed by daily life or even struggling with anxiety or low\nenergy, it\u2019s going to be difficult for you to connect with your people. When I\ntalk to clients about building community, I first talk about emotion regulation\nskills. If you are anxious, do you know how to calm yourself down? If you are tired or overwhelmed, do you have\nthe skills to shift your energy just enough to accept an invitation to go for a\nwalk with a friend? We need to find\nphysical\/emotional balance. After we do that, finding belonging becomes much,\nmuch easier. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Once\nyou are feeling safe, you can start to build compassion for yourself and for others.\nHere\u2019s one way to flex your compassion muscle: Remember that everyone around you wants and\nneeds a community just as much as you. My husband and I recently planned a\nholiday party. When it came time to get ready, we were faced with an all-night\nrainstorm. My internal dialogue started\nsounding something like this: \u201cNobody is\ngoing to want to make the effort to come out in the rain\u2026. What were we\nthinking?\u201d As it turns out, people did\nshow up \u2013 a small but lovely mixture of old and new friends. I may have\ncancelled the party and missed out on a very pleasant event if I hadn\u2019t\ncontinued to remind myself that I was building community by creating an\nopportunity to connect. Keeping this in mind is a form of compassion and\nself-compassion. We all want and need to connect. It\u2019s okay if we don\u2019t do it\nperfectly \u2013 or if we get stuck in the rain on the way to the party. <\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cWho\nthe heck am I anyway? It would sure help\nto know the answer to that question before I try to find my ideal community.\u201d This is a universal and timeless question. Problems\narise when we think we have to be some fully formed version of ourselves before\nwe pursue friendships. After all, everybody seems to have it all together on\nFacebook, right? Rest assured, we are\nall works-in-progress. We are allowed to grow, mature, and change through the\ndecades of our lives. If you honor this truth about your human existence, you\nare giving others the opportunity to do the same. Score another point for\nself-acceptance and compassion.<\/p>\n\n\n\n There are some experiences that just can\u2019t be\ndigitized, but a sense of belonging doesn\u2019t\nnecessarily have to come from other people. You can also foster a greater\nfeeling of belonging by paying attention to your physical surroundings and\ncultivating a sense of place. This develops through directly experiencing and\nlearning about a particular area. You can cultivate a sense of place by having\ndirect exposure to the history, geographical features, natural elements, and\nculture of a place. What is your favorite natural element of your home\nbase? Where are your favorite places to\nsit? Developing a sense of place will help you feel connected to a community\nand less alone even if you are by yourself. You can take this a step\nfurther by assessing the needs of you community and becoming an active member\nof a local organization. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Remember\n\u2013 don\u2019t give up. Continue to honor your nervous system, your work-in-progress\nidentity, and your community. Even if it\nfeels unnatural or if you tend to lean toward the introverted side, try to connect\none of your people or your physical surroundings every day. If you hate small\ntalk, remember the saying, \u201cThere is no small talk.\u201d You never know when a\n\u201cmeaningless\u201d interaction might be profound for the person you are talking to,\nor for yourself. <\/p>\n\n\n\n![\"Finding](\"https:\/\/wholeperson.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/02\/StockSnap_SDXHLCPG4N-1024x975.jpg\")
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