{"id":157,"date":"2010-11-17T12:54:56","date_gmt":"2010-11-17T17:54:56","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/wholeperson.com\/wordpress\/?p=157"},"modified":"2010-11-17T12:54:56","modified_gmt":"2010-11-17T17:54:56","slug":"assess-your-emotions-before-a-confrontation","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/wholeperson.com\/blog\/assess-your-emotions-before-a-confrontation","title":{"rendered":"Assess your emotions before a confrontation"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"Let<\/a>You swear you\u2019re prepared to speak calmly and professionally to a coworker you believe is intentionally sabotaging you. But the second you open your mouth to say something, BAM! you\u2019re practically yelling at him! The first moments of an encounter set the stage for the entire conversation and you know you\u2019ve blown it. But how can you control your aggression?<\/p>\n

Use advice from the great book, \u201cCrucial Conversations\u201d by Patterson, Grenny, McMillan and Switzler (McGraw-Hill, 2002.)<\/p>\n

Defensive emotions once engaged are difficult to turn off. And the more defensive you are the more convinced you are that you\u2019re right, giving more fuel to your emotions. If you\u2019ve blown it you may want to apologize and arrange to talk later after you privately take responsibility for your emotions. Here\u2019s how.<\/p>\n

Last week I wrote about the book\u2019s advice to identify the other person\u2019s behavior and ask yourself why s\/he is behaving that way. Your answer is what actually causes your emotions, not the other person\u2019s behavior. It\u2019s vital to understand this so you can move beyond your defensiveness.<\/p>\n

For example, you and I are working on a project together. I discover that you\u2019ve met privately with our boss. Plus, when we both attend meetings you \u201chog\u201d the time, making it seem like you\u2019re in charge of the project, which you\u2019re not.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhy\u201d do I think you\u2019re hogging the limelight and excluding me from meetings? My answer: \u201cBecause you want all of the credit.\u201d Doesn\u2019t this assumption fuel my anger and resentment?<\/p>\n

But just because I believe this doesn\u2019t make it true. If my \u201cwhy\u201d answer is defensive and judgmental, which it is, I need to identify your behaviors and the facts of the situation before speaking to you.
\n* Fact\/behavior: you had two meetings with the boss that I wasn\u2019t notified of so couldn\u2019t attend. You didn\u2019t inform me later either.
\n* Fact\/behavior: when we presented our idea together you spoke for several minutes while I spoke far less.<\/p>\n

Separating the facts and your behaviors from my assumption that you want all of the credit balances me emotionally. I feel more in the driver\u2019s seat of my own life, which decreases my stress therefore my defensiveness. I can assertively speak to you by using this formula:
\n1. State the facts from my point of view;
\n2. My interpretation of their meaning;
\n3. How I feel about it;
\n4. Ask if I understand correctly.<\/p>\n

E.g., \u201cTom, you didn\u2019t inform me of the meetings you had privately with the boss. This makes me think excluding me was intentional. I felt resentment and was hurt by this. Was I purposefully excluded and if so, why?\u201d<\/p>\n

Substituting my assumptions (\u201chogging\u201d and \u201cwanting all the credit\u201d) with the facts of the situation including your behavior plus using this formula to address my concerns can help balance me so I\u2019m less likely to become instantly defensive.<\/p>\n

Next week we\u2019ll look at additional ideas to improve your ability to handle your \u201ccrucial conversations.\u201d<\/p>\n

Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., is an international speaker and a Stress and Wellness Coach. Order her book, Let Your Body Win: Stress Management Plain & Simple<\/a>.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

You swear you\u2019re prepared to speak calmly and professionally to a coworker you believe is intentionally sabotaging you. But the second you open your mouth to say something, BAM! you\u2019re practically yelling at him! The first moments of an encounter set the stage for the entire conversation and you know you\u2019ve blown it. But how […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":false,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[3],"tags":[67,25,69,20,10,24,8,11],"class_list":["post-157","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-articles","tag-anger","tag-counseling","tag-emotions","tag-self-help","tag-stress","tag-therapy","tag-wellness","tag-whole-person"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"yoast_head":"\nAssess your emotions before a confrontation - The Wellness Report<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/wholeperson.com\/blog\/assess-your-emotions-before-a-confrontation\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Assess your emotions before a confrontation - The Wellness Report\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"You swear you\u2019re prepared to speak calmly and professionally to a coworker you believe is intentionally sabotaging you. 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