{"id":155,"date":"2010-11-15T13:53:10","date_gmt":"2010-11-15T18:53:10","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/wholeperson.com\/wordpress\/?p=155"},"modified":"2015-11-30T12:51:37","modified_gmt":"2015-11-30T18:51:37","slug":"anger-may-be-an-emotional-castle-built-on-sand","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/wholeperson.com\/blog\/anger-may-be-an-emotional-castle-built-on-sand","title":{"rendered":"Anger may be an emotional castle built on sand"},"content":{"rendered":"

The Importance of Crucial Conversations
\nJacquelyn Ferguson, MS<\/a><\/h2>\n

Do you avoid difficult workplace (or personal) conversations where you fear the outcome will be uncomfortable? If so, read \u201cCrucial Conversations\u201d by Patterson, Grenny, McMillan and Switzler (McGraw-Hill, 2002.)<\/p>\n

According to these authors an organization\u2019s effectiveness is strongly determined by its employees\u2019 willingness to have crucial conversations. They found in the worst organizations poor performers are ignored then transferred. In good organizations supervisors eventually handle problem situations. In high performing organizations\u2019 employees willingly and effectively speak to someone who fails to deliver on promises. Everyone is held accountable regardless of their level.<\/p>\n

Difficult conversations usually trigger your stress cycle; therefore defensive behavior (my words not theirs,) bring out your worst behavior (their words). What\u2019s your worst behavior? It\u2019s not pretty, is it? You\u2019d probably be as embarrassed as I to have people you respect see you behave that way.<\/p>\n

To move beyond your automatic, defensive reactions and your worst behavior determine what \u2013 or whom \u2013 is actually causing your problem. Is it really that co-worker who aggravates you so, or might it your own interpretation of that person?<\/p>\n

I\u2019ve frequently written about how negative judgments of others trigger your worst behavior. These authors approach this formula differently, which may help you see that your own interpretations determine your emotional reactions and behavior.<\/p>\n

Their advice is to ask yourself why the other person is behaving as he is. A simple example from a program I recently presented, \u201cCollaborative Communication.\u201d During our lunch break an attendee had to wait a long time at a Subway shop where there was only one employee working. He was doing his best and actually, according to my attendee, was doing quite well. He waited on four people at a time, taking each sandwich through the same steps together. All four customers had to wait for all four sandwiches to be made together.<\/p>\n

Upon his return to our classroom, my attendee explained his own impatience was because the employee was disorganized (negative judgment). In my attendee\u2019s mind, it was the employee\u2019s disorganization that made\u00a0the attendee impatient. Another attendee offered a different perspective. She suggested that the Subway employee probably didn\u2019t want to take off and put on his plastic gloves repeatedly, so he made multiple sandwiches together. My attendee thought this seemed a likely explanation and said he probably wouldn\u2019t have been impatient if he\u2019d looked at it that way.<\/p>\n

In other words, the label \u201cdisorganized\u201d is what caused the attendee to become impatient, not the Subway employee\u2019s system.<\/p>\n

Who drives you the most nuts? Why is that person doing what he\u2019s doing? Your explanation, your \u201cwhy,\u201d triggers your emotions therefore you reaction. The other person doesn\u2019t make you feel as you do, therefore cannot be responsible for your reaction.<\/p>\n

To have an important conversation that you\u2019re now avoiding, prepare for it by asking yourself, \u201cWhat\u2019s your problem person\u2019s behavior and why is he acting that way?\u201d Next week I\u2019ll address how to handle your negative why.<\/p>\n

Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., is an international speaker and a Stress and Wellness Coach. Order her book, Let Your Body Win: Stress Management Plain & Simple<\/a>.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

The Importance of Crucial Conversations Jacquelyn Ferguson, MS Do you avoid difficult workplace (or personal) conversations where you fear the outcome will be uncomfortable? If so, read \u201cCrucial Conversations\u201d by Patterson, Grenny, McMillan and Switzler (McGraw-Hill, 2002.) According to these authors an organization\u2019s effectiveness is strongly determined by its employees\u2019 willingness to have crucial conversations. […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":false,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[3],"tags":[67,68,25,20,10,24,15,8,11],"class_list":["post-155","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-articles","tag-anger","tag-anger-management","tag-counseling","tag-self-help","tag-stress","tag-therapy","tag-training","tag-wellness","tag-whole-person"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"yoast_head":"\nAnger may be an emotional castle built on sand - The Wellness Report<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/wholeperson.com\/blog\/anger-may-be-an-emotional-castle-built-on-sand\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Anger may be an emotional castle built on sand - The Wellness Report\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"The Importance of Crucial Conversations Jacquelyn Ferguson, MS Do you avoid difficult workplace (or personal) conversations where you fear the outcome will be uncomfortable? If so, read \u201cCrucial Conversations\u201d by Patterson, Grenny, McMillan and Switzler (McGraw-Hill, 2002.) According to these authors an organization\u2019s effectiveness is strongly determined by its employees\u2019 willingness to have crucial conversations. […]\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:url\" content=\"https:\/\/wholeperson.com\/blog\/anger-may-be-an-emotional-castle-built-on-sand\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:site_name\" content=\"The Wellness Report\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:author\" content=\"https:\/\/www.facebook.com\/wholepersonassociates\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:published_time\" content=\"2010-11-15T18:53:10+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:modified_time\" content=\"2015-11-30T18:51:37+00:00\" \/>\n<meta name=\"author\" content=\"Whole Person\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:label1\" content=\"Written by\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data1\" content=\"Whole Person\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:label2\" content=\"Est. reading time\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data2\" content=\"3 minutes\" \/>\n<script type=\"application\/ld+json\" class=\"yoast-schema-graph\">{\"@context\":\"https:\/\/schema.org\",\"@graph\":[{\"@type\":\"WebPage\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/wholeperson.com\/blog\/anger-may-be-an-emotional-castle-built-on-sand\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/wholeperson.com\/blog\/anger-may-be-an-emotional-castle-built-on-sand\",\"name\":\"Anger may be an emotional castle built on sand - The Wellness Report\",\"isPartOf\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/wholeperson.com\/blog\/#website\"},\"datePublished\":\"2010-11-15T18:53:10+00:00\",\"dateModified\":\"2015-11-30T18:51:37+00:00\",\"author\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/wholeperson.com\/blog\/#\/schema\/person\/54759649cc139feb14a6973b2118f1a8\"},\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\",\"potentialAction\":[{\"@type\":\"ReadAction\",\"target\":[\"https:\/\/wholeperson.com\/blog\/anger-may-be-an-emotional-castle-built-on-sand\"]}]},{\"@type\":\"WebSite\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/wholeperson.com\/blog\/#website\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/wholeperson.com\/blog\/\",\"name\":\"The Wellness Report\",\"description\":\"Stay Connected\",\"potentialAction\":[{\"@type\":\"SearchAction\",\"target\":{\"@type\":\"EntryPoint\",\"urlTemplate\":\"https:\/\/wholeperson.com\/blog\/?s={search_term_string}\"},\"query-input\":\"required name=search_term_string\"}],\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\"},{\"@type\":\"Person\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/wholeperson.com\/blog\/#\/schema\/person\/54759649cc139feb14a6973b2118f1a8\",\"name\":\"Whole Person\",\"sameAs\":[\"https:\/\/wholeperson.com\",\"https:\/\/www.facebook.com\/wholepersonassociates\",\"https:\/\/x.com\/stresswellness\"],\"url\":\"https:\/\/wholeperson.com\/blog\/author\/admin\"}]}<\/script>\n<!-- \/ Yoast SEO plugin. -->","yoast_head_json":{"title":"Anger may be an emotional castle built on sand - The Wellness Report","robots":{"index":"index","follow":"follow","max-snippet":"max-snippet:-1","max-image-preview":"max-image-preview:large","max-video-preview":"max-video-preview:-1"},"canonical":"https:\/\/wholeperson.com\/blog\/anger-may-be-an-emotional-castle-built-on-sand","og_locale":"en_US","og_type":"article","og_title":"Anger may be an emotional castle built on sand - The Wellness Report","og_description":"The Importance of Crucial Conversations Jacquelyn Ferguson, MS Do you avoid difficult workplace (or personal) conversations where you fear the outcome will be uncomfortable? If so, read \u201cCrucial Conversations\u201d by Patterson, Grenny, McMillan and Switzler (McGraw-Hill, 2002.) According to these authors an organization\u2019s effectiveness is strongly determined by its employees\u2019 willingness to have crucial conversations. […]","og_url":"https:\/\/wholeperson.com\/blog\/anger-may-be-an-emotional-castle-built-on-sand","og_site_name":"The Wellness Report","article_author":"https:\/\/www.facebook.com\/wholepersonassociates","article_published_time":"2010-11-15T18:53:10+00:00","article_modified_time":"2015-11-30T18:51:37+00:00","author":"Whole Person","twitter_misc":{"Written by":"Whole Person","Est. reading time":"3 minutes"},"schema":{"@context":"https:\/\/schema.org","@graph":[{"@type":"WebPage","@id":"https:\/\/wholeperson.com\/blog\/anger-may-be-an-emotional-castle-built-on-sand","url":"https:\/\/wholeperson.com\/blog\/anger-may-be-an-emotional-castle-built-on-sand","name":"Anger may be an emotional castle built on sand - The Wellness Report","isPartOf":{"@id":"https:\/\/wholeperson.com\/blog\/#website"},"datePublished":"2010-11-15T18:53:10+00:00","dateModified":"2015-11-30T18:51:37+00:00","author":{"@id":"https:\/\/wholeperson.com\/blog\/#\/schema\/person\/54759649cc139feb14a6973b2118f1a8"},"inLanguage":"en-US","potentialAction":[{"@type":"ReadAction","target":["https:\/\/wholeperson.com\/blog\/anger-may-be-an-emotional-castle-built-on-sand"]}]},{"@type":"WebSite","@id":"https:\/\/wholeperson.com\/blog\/#website","url":"https:\/\/wholeperson.com\/blog\/","name":"The Wellness Report","description":"Stay Connected","potentialAction":[{"@type":"SearchAction","target":{"@type":"EntryPoint","urlTemplate":"https:\/\/wholeperson.com\/blog\/?s={search_term_string}"},"query-input":"required name=search_term_string"}],"inLanguage":"en-US"},{"@type":"Person","@id":"https:\/\/wholeperson.com\/blog\/#\/schema\/person\/54759649cc139feb14a6973b2118f1a8","name":"Whole Person","sameAs":["https:\/\/wholeperson.com","https:\/\/www.facebook.com\/wholepersonassociates","https:\/\/x.com\/stresswellness"],"url":"https:\/\/wholeperson.com\/blog\/author\/admin"}]}},"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p1StPR-2v","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_likes_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/wholeperson.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/155"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/wholeperson.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/wholeperson.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wholeperson.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wholeperson.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=155"}],"version-history":[{"count":3,"href":"https:\/\/wholeperson.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/155\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1893,"href":"https:\/\/wholeperson.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/155\/revisions\/1893"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/wholeperson.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=155"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wholeperson.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=155"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wholeperson.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=155"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}